Can't stand my ex but child adores him - want to do right by her

[mocca]

My husband left 7 months ago and we have a 7 year old daughter. He's treated me badly since I first met him but I kept on loving him (god knows why)but I now realise he's done me a favour by going. I'd dearly love to never have to see him again but this isn't an option with a child. He has a very good relationship with our D and sees her often; she adores him. He's just moved in with a new girlfriend round the corner (indecent haste I'd say) and my D spends a lot of time there with them and her daughter who's the same age. I'm glad my D seems happy but it does my head in when she talks so much about her dad's new g/f and her new friend (the daughter). She even comes home wearing the other girl's clothes.

My D would love it so much if her mum and dad could be friends and I've been trying for her sake, encouraging him to have meals with us etc. but this approach hasn't worked. It's all been so much in my face and I've been drinking far too much and getting myself into trouble. For this reason, I've decided to give up on trying to be friendly (no drinking either) but know I can't stop seeing him altogether as I hate the thought of our D knowing that I can't stand the sight of him. If anyone has been in a similar situation, I'd really appreciate your advice. I want her to see her dad as often as she wants but feel like my nose is being rubbed in it because he's so much in the picture.

Hi Mocca,

I'm not really in the same situation as my dd is 15 and it's nearly 5 years since my husband left. But I do think you've done so well, especially in kicking the drinking and especially in letting your dd see her father whenever she wants even if you can't stand her father any more. You obviously know it's important for her.

If you can just maintain a politely friendly front with him, that will do - trying to be friends with him probably wouldn't work anyway, as it may cause jealousy problems with the new girlfriend. When dd is singing the praises of him and his new family and doing your head in, try to think positively - that it's good that she gets on well with new gf and gf's daughter. There are so many men who start new families and cut their old children out of their lives which causes so much heartbreak to the children. Remember that your dd is being spared that.

And in the meantime, you need to be very good to yourself. You've made a start by kicking the drink. How's your social life? If you build a good network of friends - and if you want it, a special man eventually, that may help you feel less like they're rubbing your face in it.

Remember your feelings for him are still very raw and you're very far from indifferent. But you will stop being as angry with him as you are now, and in time you could become friends again with your lovely daughter in common. It is going to be SO HARD for you for a while, but in the future, when you've found someone else or are even just finding how nice it is to live without him, you'll be glad you didn't make it hard for him now, even if he deserves it. It is great that your daughter's happy, isn't it? Agree with Tanee - you must be good to yourself first. When you're still trying to tell him that you're angry, it's impossible to be normal with him. So feel sorry for yourself but don't try even a little to make him feel something. When you see him, focus on your daughter and how adorable she is and shrug and smile politely at him and say what you need to - you can talk mostly to her.

Thank you both for this, it's helped put things in perspective and realise I do need to be positive as there are good things about my situation.

Get a pen and a piece of paper Mocca and write down ALL his faults - everything from skiddy underpants to the really serious shit. Then sit back and think how much better off you are without him..............

With that in mind, wish his latest girlie the best of luck, thank your lucky stars she's not 15 or a child hater or has 11 kids of her own and try to let go of him and her. Drop the angst and get yourself sorted out (the stopping drinking is brilliant) and organise stuff to do/places to go when your dd is with them.

Have you thought about having her dd over for the odd sleepover. She will go home talking about you and how things are so cool at your house...........

My children have not seen their father for over five years now. Bastard. I would really try to keep the contact going and than k god that it is currently all so positive.

Good luck; I know from experience that it is damn hard.

Thanks ggglimpopo - the list thing is a good idea and so is the sleepover. I hadn't thought of that and although it may be a bit too much for me at the moment, she could certainly come over to play. Sorry that your kids don't see your dad but at least they have a strong and loving mum.

Hi Mocca
I too just want to tell you that you're doing great and that I'm really really impressed with how well you're handling what sounds like a really tough situation.
Right now your DD is coming home talking about her new friend and how wonderful it all is. That must really strike a raw nerve with you. However, she's a NEW friend. Children are always most excited by new things and I'm sure she'll get less excited by it all as time passes.
I too think the sleep over idea is a good one.

Good luck with it all. Stay strong and be good to yourself.