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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Relationship with ExH is causing DD anxiety

14 replies

eenymeenyminyme · 21/01/2020 12:12

Quick background - I kicked ExH out 4 years ago when DD was 12 and he moved straight in with the OW.

DD generally stays at their house for one night a fortnight but even that stresses her out, and it's affecting her own relationships as she has huge trust issues. I've told her she doesn't have to go any more but she feels that she can't tell him she doesn't want to see him as she doesn't want to upset him. You can almost see the walls she puts up to him when they're in the same room though, she's so uncomfortable around him. I don't think she'll ever forgive him for what he did even though I've told her it was me he was cheating on, not her.

I'm going to have a chat with her tonight about going NC with him, at least for a fixed time to be reviewed at an agreed date, and see if that helps her get her head straight.

Who should have the conversation with him though? I hardly talk to him any more and at 16 she's old enough to express her feelings (and she does, very well) but I don't want to cause her any more grief...

Has anyone been through this and can give me some advice please?

OP posts:

Original poster

eenymeenyminyme · 21/01/2020 12:25

Forgot to include the fact that ExH has narcissist tendancies and will turn this round to be 'how do you think that makes ME feel' rather than caring about how DD is feeling.

I think that's one of the things she's worried about - he's a bit of a drama queen with the smallest of things so will over-react to this...

Maybe I could suggest he finds counselling for both of them to attend, if she agrees to this, to try and mend their relationship or at least give it a decent burial...

Sorry, thinking out loud here!

OP posts:

Witching · 21/01/2020 12:29

So from the myriad of choices available to you in supporting your child through this difficulty, you choose to encourage no contact with her father? I wonder whose benefit that is really for?

Clangus00 · 21/01/2020 12:29

She’s 16? She can decide just not to go.
Tell her to say she’s not staying. She could text him/ email/ write a letter if she’s uncomfortable. I would stay out of it though, this should come from her.

Clangus00 · 21/01/2020 12:30

Oh and I meant no to staying over....not NC.

Original poster

eenymeenyminyme · 21/01/2020 12:32

So from the myriad of choices available to you in supporting your child through this difficulty, you choose to encourage no contact with her father? I wonder whose benefit that is really for?

Tell me my choices - that's what this post is for! I have chosen to encourage her to stay in contact with her father for the last four years and am desperate to know what my choices are to help her!
I'm practically NC with him anyway so it wouldn't make any difference to me how she chooses to proceed, I just want her to be happy.

OP posts:

Original poster

eenymeenyminyme · 21/01/2020 12:33

She’s 16? She can decide just not to go.

I've told her this, she just doesn't want to upset him, and upsets herself more in the process.

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purpleboy · 21/01/2020 12:51

It's a really hard situation, I've been through similar with my dd. He messed her about for years and she was so ground down by it all but too scared to tell him she didn't want to see him. I tried talking to him, he changed for all of 2 minutes then back to usual behavior.
It broke my heart watching it all unfold there was nothing I could do, eventually she had enough. She hasn't spoken to him for nearly a year and he hasn't attempted contact either.
All you can really do is support her and wait for her to be ready to make that decision on her own.

Original poster

eenymeenyminyme · 21/01/2020 12:57

Thank you purpleboy - she knows I'll support her 100% with whatever she chooses, it just hurts so much watching her getting so upset.

OP posts:

KellyHall · 21/01/2020 20:54

It's a really horrible and difficult situation. Unfortunately with him being the kind of person he is, he'll always make out everyone else is upsetting him because he's the victim and nothing is ever his fault. I know, because my dad is the same.

We stopped having contact around the age of your dd but I missed my little (half) sister so I got back in contact and we struggled on until I was 25. I went through counselling and told him once and for all: I deserve better and I'm not having toxic relationships ruining any more of my life.

I'm now 36 and have been much happier and mentally well since I cut him out of my life. I'd actually hoped that he'd take it as a wake up call and be the father I desperately needed him to be, but he didn't. He never contacted me again but he did spread horrible lies to my brothers making me out to be the cause of all the shit in our relationship. It used to really hurt but eventually I have come to realise it's really not me, I'm awesome and he'll never know, but that's his fault.

Aliceinunderland · 21/01/2020 21:31

I wonder if counselling for your gaughter would be beneficial. Some schools/colleges offer it or if you are financially able to go private, the British counselling directory will show you local ones to you. Perhaps her talking it through with an independent person will help her decide what, if any, action she wants to take. Also might be helpful for her to develop strategies in dealing with him if he has narc tendencies. There isn't much you can do other than to reassure her that whatever she chooses to do, you will always support her.

Davegrohlsnewwife · 21/01/2020 21:48

I had a similar situation to this with my son, who was a little younger than your dd at the time.

The only thing I could do was allow my son to navigate the situation himself. He had to give him chances - which exh failed each time, and with each let down, my son made his decision on how to proceed. I was there for him to talk/vent to - but I had to accept that this was his relationship with his dad, and it wasn't anything to do with me, other than to support my son. It was really hard, but allowing my son to go through it all meant that issues he had were dealt with there and then. As painful as it was, he came to terms with exactly how his relationship with his dad would be. He understood who he could rely on, and that just because his dad wasnt giving him the relationship he wanted, he still loved him in his own way.

Ultimately these situations build resilience and seems to teach them the truth about relationships. Being wary is not a bad thing in my opinion, but all you can do is support. Its heartbreaking to watch, but as parents that's all we can do.

I wish we could have a magic wand to wave and save them from these problems!

Big hugs hun - it's not easy x

MollyButton · 21/01/2020 22:08

I think you need to get her counselling. She needs to build up her confidence and her ability to assert her own wants and desires. She is 16.
If you find someone who also does family therapy they might be able to mediate a session between your DD and her father, so she can tell him how she feels in a safe space.

Stillsexystillsingle · 22/01/2020 05:48

Agree, you need to get her to cahms they are the experts in dealing with these situations and they will help you. Take her to her gp explain what's going on and they will refer you. My daughter's father is a narcissist and was really messing with her head. Like with your daughter it became all about not letting him down , not upsetting him, whilst she became more and more unhappy. She needed to get away from his narcissistic abuse and go no contact for the sake of her own mental health and with the help of cahms that's what she's done. Good luck

Original poster

eenymeenyminyme · 22/01/2020 07:36

Thank you for all the supportive replies offering advice. I'll suggest counselling to her and if she wants to try it I'll support her.
In an ideal world DD would look forward to seeing him rather than be in tears at the thought but that's going to take work from both sides. All I can do at her age is support, and she knows I'm always here for her.

OP posts:

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