Friends as a single mum

[ApplepieWhy]

Hi all, first time post here so please be kind! I was just wondering if any of you single parents find it hard to have true friendships?
I find I’m really struggling to meet like minded people who I can relate to and really understand where I’m coming from. All my friends with children have partners and whilst they try to understand my situation they just don’t get it. I also feel, and this might possibly just be me, but that I am being ‘looked down on’ so to speak-I’m the token single mum friend who makes them feel better about their life. I find some friends are almost jealous the more I achieve and get on with life, it’s like I don’t fit their stereotype any longer, it’s like there if almost jealousy when I get a promotion or go on holiday (a few years ago I was unable to afford even a weekend away and things were very different back then). I just feel quite alone and that I now have no one to talk to about my concerns/worries about my child or just life in general. I know I’m not the only parent alone, so can’t understand why I’m not meeting friends in the same situation as me? Any advice would be much appreciated

Just reread my message-sorry for the bad grammar and spelling, I’m blaming my phone!

Oh poor you! You will develop a thicker shell in time but i would seek out other single friends. Gingerbread is a really good organisation which does socials but also single parent holidays are great for meeting others in the same situation. They are brilliant for parents but also for the kids because they can sometimes feel a bit disgruntled at being the one kid without a mum and dad at home.

Single with Kids and Mango both specialise in single parent holidays.

I have the same thing. The reality is I have my son 330 nights a year and work full time so I seldom socialise with adults, I’m too busy just keeping up with housework and home work. But oddly other mums, when they are having problems with their husbands, tell me how much they envy me.
They really don’t get how relentless a single parent’s situation is. So I just smile & nod and make them coffee while they grumble.

I'm a widowed single parent and anyone who tries to offload their couple shit on me or not include me because I'm single can go fuck themselves.

I have lots of friends, I don't identify as a single parent, I'm just me. Stop defining yourself by your domestic situation- men don't.

Stop defining yourself by your domestic situation- men don't.

You're so right actually, I've never thought about it like that.

Thanks:)

Thank you for the replies, it’s nice to know I’m not alone.
Grobagsforever you make a very good point!
I will have a look on Gingerbread and the holidays seem like a good idea, we usually stick to ‘normal’ holidays and do fine but I like the idea of kids having others to play with and being able to mix with others in a similar situation.
It’s crazy really as I have been in my own 7 years now but just finding I’m not meeting friends in same situation and then not able to keep friendships going because of the differences although I possibly need to re-evaluate who I choose as friends, as with partners I seem to attract users!
And as for those moaning about how ‘much easier’ we have it-don’t get me started

I have met some lovely people who I hope will become good friends but if I’m being honest I think it’s hard to make really good, close friends when you’re rushed off your feet and unable to really go out. Also, all the couples I know tend to stay in themselves (excepting all the kids activities we see each other at) so I feel like my friendships are based around the kids more than anything else. That being said I think I’ve been reticent to trust anyone since becoming a single parent, so the superficiality of my friendships is mostly my fault as I don’t want to push for deeper friendships right now. I’ve got some old friends who I really trust but don’t see that often (most not local or even in the country) and I have my sister (who doesn’t live nearby) and mom (who does), so I feel like I have enough.

Personally I wouldn’t like to go on a single parent holiday as I like to just be me and not be defined by my relationship status. Maybe try joint holidays with a friend/family member if you can. I go on holiday to visit family/friends overseas and that has worked great so far as they love seeing my DS but I also get a bit of rest from being alone.

If it makes you feel any better its just as hard making friends being child free

I know what you mean! There is still a big stigma/stereotype around a single mum being a downtrodden victim of fortune, and if you don't fit that box then you aren't singlemumming properly! I have a friend who told me "you're not a single mum, you're a lone parent" (obviously "lone parent had less connotations in her mind 🤷🏻‍♀️)

I think that being a parent is difficult whether you have a partner or not, but I do find it much harder to arrange playdates for a weekend because weekends are "family time" so my friends are all unavailable (toddler age DC, so still have playdates in the week).

Yes, difficult for some coupled up people to understand the relentlessness of being a single mum. I get frustrated with my DSis who became a mum last summer and goes out at least once a month while her DP has the baby but moans "this is my first night off in a month!" I can count on my fingers how many nights off I've had in the last couple of years!

A lot of my pre-baby social life revolved around dinner out or cinema trips, which my childless friends continue to do because obviously they don't fancy morning park trips or soft play so I do feel that some of my older friendships have suffered too.

I don't really have any advice, I just wanted to say I understand. Hope it gets easier.

I’m definitely starting to think it is more just a friend issue after reading all these lovely replies, thank you. When I think about it, my colleagues are all married and have older children, I have none of the issues with, maybe it’s because they are more mature and/or because I don’t put so much pressure on our friendships, but we just get on with it and they are always there for me when I need them, no spiteful one upping, no leaving me out, just good friends. It would still be nice to meet someone in a similar situation to me but until then I think I will give all the others a wide berth for now!

I think a lot of single mums will identify with the friend who is very involved when they can talk about how they're helping out poor X the single mum. If you then get on your feet, working, bringing up nice kids, active socially etc you don't see them for dust.

I am a single parent. I’m really lucky to have been able to build a good support network locally so that I can go out from time to time and know that DD is happy and safe with a friend.

Rather than focusing on finding friends in the same situation I’d actually do the opposite and branch out in terms of who you try to build friendships with. My friends include women in their 60s whose children are now grown up, gay men (some in relationships, some single), couples who fit the 2.4 ideal, my next door neighbour... basically friends of all ages from 20 to 70, some single, some not. Some of them have more time than others and DD and I have a lovely time meeting up with my friends for walks, cafe trips etc. They are also willing babysitters who DD loves to bits.

I don’t feel remotely defined by my single status. The only noticeable difference between me and the parents of DD’s friends is that they are financially better off as they have two incomes. I am skint so can’t afford to do all the same activities.

I completely agree with you both! I just can’t understand the mentality of some people good idea to have a good range of friend and I need to be more careful whom I chose to be friends with too!

It is not the fault of your friends, you are now living a different life they have no experience of.

I found keeping different friendship groups helped to keep my social life alive, but in time, after I was in charge 24/7 making friends with other parents in the same situation as mine, made a huge difference, they could understand where I was coming from and interestingly, although they were far busier than my married friends, they would happily go out of their way to help with something at short notice than the others did. I guess people parenting kids on their own are often much better at multitasking and carving the time to grow a good friendship, even if it is by sitting on a bench with you while your children are running in a park.