Fed up of ex interfering in my time with DCs.

[JustBackOff]

Disclaimer: I know not all dads are involved etc, but this issue is pissing me off and I am wondering if anyone else has been here and how they managed it.

exH and I split over a year ago, he took a few months to move out. He is involved a lot although DCs live with me. We agreed set nights and the things he will take them to and drop them back afterwards.

I don't seem to get time with my DCs and it's irritating me. They are with him 2 or 3 nights a week, plus he sees them on another night where he takes eldest to rugby and youngest tags along too. That looks like I have them loads, except it doesn't feel that way as when I sit down of an evening to spend time, he's then on the phone. Lengthy calls that can last 1-2 hours and when they're done it's bed time. He seems to have no respect for my time with my children. It's about him, not them. He doesn't have hobbies or do anything outside working and seems to have made the DCs the only thing to the point its not healthy for them. They feel guilty and bad if they haven't texted him or missed a call from him, they almost panic. Eldest's calls have tailed off a bit and phone isn't always switched on as he's busy doing something but ex will get sibling to go and ask or will keep mentioning it when he comes to collect 'why isn't your phone on/don't forget to charge your phone/I've been trying to call you' etc. I've then seen eldest start worrying about it and making sure he phones ex as its what ex wants. It's not healthy.

Youngest was invited to a sleep over but wouldn't do it on ex's weekend because ex sounds sad so it had to be on my weekend (ex does a great job of the 'woe is me' and the DCs definitely feel bad for him).

I know I could have the opposite problem and I should just be grateful but I've just sat down to spend time with one of my DC and phone goes and off she's gone. That will be it until bedtime now. So that was same on Monday, tuesday out for the evening with ex, stayed at ex's last night, on phone to him tonight and staying there tomorrow. A fairly typical example of most evenings. When DCs are with ex, unless they call me, I leave them to it as I don't want to encroach on their time. If they call I'll have a 10 minute chat and say goodnight.

Has anyone else had this issue before?

Have you spoken to your ex about it?

No. I can't see it going very well. Given how he has been since the split, he will make it all about him. Plus he has never ever been able to take me saying anything that he perceives as negative and throws it back on me or gets defensive and passive aggressive about it. Or these days if I message about anything he doesn't like (all innocuous things) he just doesn't reply. But wants good communication from me of course, which so far I've always given him.

Poor communication was a huge factor in our relationship breaking down. I thought it was more me but since we've split I've realised it really wasn't at all!

Encourage your dc to turn their phones off on your nights with them. Tell your you’re doing tech free time.

Be relaxed with your dc and encourage them to socialise and have extra curricular activities.

They’ll soon vote with their feet when it gets too much for them.

I agree. Get rid of the phones in the evening. X will get used to it. How tedious for you all.

How old are your DC?

If you don't put boundaries he'll never change his ways. I'm amazed your children can do an hour or two on the phone. Ours do 2 minutes if you are lucky.
I think it's down to you to say what's acceptable during your time.
Your ex it's acting like a pathetic lonely guy and will be a burden to your children.

You need to have a stricter set up and set of rules. If he doesn't want to do that, consider mediation or even court because they will understand the issue. I had something kind of similar and it was sorted once we went to court.

"Your ex it's acting like a pathetic lonely guy and will be a burden to your children."

This is how I see it. I can see they feel bad for him already. Eldest has even told me she feels bad for ex and doesn't for me because she hasn't seen me sad but sees ex sad. Great bit of emotional manipulation there.

No phones is a good idea. Think youngest may resist as seems to message ex a lot as well as the calls. If we go down that route I'm going to have to tell ex as if he can't get in touch the guilt trips will start and he'll keep messaging or trying to phone. I suspect youngest will feel compelled to check.

1-2 hours is ridiculous! Your house, your rules.

Can you not take your DS to rugby? I sort clubs for mine when it's my day, their dad when it's his.

He's controlling you and the DCs OP and clearly likes to play the victim in this.

I would change the dynamic slightly and go out with your kids, leaving phones at home , encourage then no phones and go from there.
Mention it casually to the ex so eh understands , but don’t let him think you’re doing it deliberately, see how that goes. If he is difficult about it you know you will have to approach it with stricter and more deliberate conversations.

He doesn't need to be on the phone to them every night they're not with him - at least not for that long. When my daughter was younger I would maybe give her a quick call when she was at her dad's to check all ok etc, but now I mostly don't bother. He sounds very needy and like he needs to get a life of his own. I would speak to him about it and if he doesn't listen, just get the kids to switch their phones off.

phones off of a nighttime - do not even let him have 2 minutes - hes a needy emotional pathetic mess
you take them to their clubs, not him

hes controlling you all still, it needs to stop now

ask him how he would feel on his nights with the children if you spent 1 to 2 hours on the phone with them ?
The occasional / quick call is normal but this seems unhealthy for all

I'm glad others can see it's unhealthy as I honestly thought it was me who was being unreasonable about it.

I think he would really hate it if his time was interrupted with lengthy calls from me. I know him and he would say I get them for more evenings/to see them more so he wants to speak to them. He won't end calls either. DCs do the calls on speaker and used to walk around the house which I put a stop to as it was irritating as hell and felt like he was here. Plus I knew he could overhear me too. I make them call in their rooms but even when he has nothing to say he stays on the line and just hmm and ahhs at their ramblings. Sometimes he's playing on his PS4 just whilst on the phone with them.

I hoped it was only just after he moved out and it would peter out, but not yet!