Abusive but not violent ex - should I be worried for DD?

[NooNooMummy]

Prompted by another post here. Wondering whether I should take more steps to protect DD or just leave it now?

Quick summary - we have a child arrangements order after 3 years of nonsense (ex not seeing DD for long periods, me pleading with him to see her consistently and frequently, him behaving violently towards me before and after I ended the marriage, and him just generally emotionally abusing DD and me and now enforcing his right to contact so long as it’s minimal and on his terms.

CAFCASS were involved last year, when I requested that his emotional abuse be examined, but they totally failed to look at actual evidence of his abuse and, instead, accepted and reported on his version of events which are lies and totally without evidence. I’m too exhausted to appeal or go through any more court processes and, at least, DD now sees her dad regularly (1x night and 1x day per month).

In theory, things will continue like this until DD (now 6) is old enough to choose for herself. But, the fact that ex is clearly so dishonest, cruel and narcisstic makes me still concerned for DD’s well-being. She’s is always abusive and difficult in the days after she’s had contact with him and it takes a while to get back to our usual routine. Maybe this is normal?

But I’m worried about the potential damage being done by him.

Should i do something or just leave it?

Is there anything I can do? Feel too exhausted even to try now.

Tbh im in the same boat as you my ex sees our ds twice a week court ordered, but demands more demands his rights, ive got police logs of harrassment, i have minimal contact now just email i hand son over and dont talk to him. I feel like you that he will treat ds like he did me or turn him against me then do his usual trick of denying what hes done. I think its normal for children to act up after contact i know mine does for a few days after. I dont think there is much we can do, i keep a diary of everything, maybe try that and then if anything significant happens you can stop contact with a solid reason, thats the advice i was given by my solicitor. Hope your ok just keep being the best parent you can be. Im trying a new thing of not worrying about the what ifs and dealing with whatever happens when it does. Its better for your own mental health. Big hugs

I think your DDs behaviour is normal to be honest. It's very unsettling for them going between houses. Just stay firm about acceptable behaviour and reassure her how much you love her before and after visits.

With regards to him emotionally abusing her I think that is a risk and it's not taken seriously by courts as it's not immediately dangerous in the same way other forms of abuse are. Continue to log everything and build up DD to realise how she deserves to be treated and what's unacceptable. Fwiw my ex sometimes starts on DD8 and she just rolls her eyes and challenges him.

Thanks so much. Really helpful pointers

...although how can I tell DD not to believe everything daddy says? Or that he shouldn't have shown her Jaws just before I took her on a seaside holiday? That would be 'alienation.' Even though he's a proven liar and is emotionally abusive at every opportunity.

I just says he's ' a bit silly sometimes'🙄

Interns of when he lies, tell her he remembers it differently to you. The Jaws thing I'm not so sure about... I constantly worry about parental alienation too. It's a tricky thing to handle