I can not understand this, never, never....

[turquoisenights]

why men can easily escape their fathership responsibilities?
2 people make a child.
when relationship breaks down, automatically (usually) mother takes all the responsibilities, all the sacrifices as if she brought that child from her own family's home.
why men can escape so easily?
there should be some kind of forcing about that, am i wrong? am i not thinking straight (maybe losing my mind in this school holiday )?
we put ourlives for our children, their fathers can easily deny moving a finger for them.
why is that?
can somebody tell me?

forgot to say, I havnt seen him for over 2 months now....when i spoke ot him riday, I sad to him that i hope we could remain friends and that the baby would know who his/her dad was..his reply was..I have no doubt you will be the best mother and that the baby will have loads of love....so kinda tells me he dosnt want to have antyhing to do with him/her?

He sounds as if he's the type who will run faster the more you chase...

Birth certificate thing, yes, don't do it...symbolism is all very nice but when it comes down to it, he will have rights over the child if you do that.

Whether he ever decides he wants to use them, who can say, but you can allow him these rights if you want to, regardless...if you want to take them away, you won't be able to once he's on the BC iyswim.

One day he might find another partner and decide he wants to take your child on holiday with them...or you might want to move away, and he will be able to stop you.
There is a minefield ahead if you put it all on a plate for him.

He might be someone you wouldn't mind sharing her with but I felt like that until my Ds1's dad decided to marry another woman...then he wanted to take Ds to her house, without me...I couldn't bear it as the man felt like a stranger to me after all the lies, and I had no idea where my son was, wasn't given a phone number or anything. It was so, so cruel of him to do that to me - this was a man I loved desperately and thought he loved me too.
It turned out that the new wife was really mean to his other child...I heard this from her best mate's mum, recently - I am SO glad I never let my boy get involved with her.

He left us alone in the end but please be careful, as yours light prove more tricky

beller do it on your own and if he has a complete personality change then its a bonus. You cant just put his name on the birth certificate, he either has to come with you to do it or you have to show a marriage certificate, he dont seem like the kind of guy who would want the parental responsibility anyway, your baby wont go without as he will have you to act as mummy and daddy

so when you go to register the child..the father has to be there with you if you want his name on the cert?
Im sure my friend put her x's name on without him being present?

Good points as well flightattendent!

Beller I think Tink has made a little mistake there (sorry Tink!?)

I registered Ds2 lately and was asked if I wanted to add the father's name. I didn't. But I could have done...I think?

I may be wrong.

YOu were correct Tinkerbel
www.bmd-certificates.co.uk/articles/birth-certificate-england.html
well thats solved one problem for me!! x

If you put his name on the birth certificate he will have full parental rights to the child so think very carefully about whether you want him to be able to stroll back into your lives at any given time and challenge you for custody.

Tho it may seem unlikely why take the risk. I think in your position, esp being able to take care of yourself financially I would cut him from my life. Bringing up a child is hard enough without some fuckwit messing with your head.
Find a nice man who wants a family or go it alone.

Turqoisenights, Haven't got a clue why they do it. My dad did with 2 dif families. I don't care to know him, and have never been bothered, but It think it hurt my older brother, who knew him better, a lot more than it did me.
My DH has said before in an argument during a very low point, that he will disappear and the DD's will forget him. I say Oh no they wont, don't be such a fecking coward. it will make it easier for YOU, not them. They want their daddy.

Men like that are a mystery to me. Both DH's dad and mine did it to us so I wonder even more how he can think it would be kinder that way. Less effort for him/?? I don't know, I truly don't.
To be fair to him I don't think he ever really would, he adores his girls, but then my dad adored my brother and my mum never would have thought that he would do it, but he did.

Apologies, Tink

After I split up with mu husband I found out he had 3 other children with different women!

He would stand in front of you now and insist that he wants to see our daughter but makes excuse after excuse about it being too far to travel even though it is about an hour's drive and I was going more than half way/doing overtime/he has forgotten where we were meant to meet.

I have tried to involve him as much as I can by texting him with updates about her/inviting him to nursery parents evenings even taking him to Court to try and arrange contact but he is just really self absorbed.

He plays games like texting me on the morning of her Birthday saying he is coming over and then getting abusive when I point out that 9 a.m. on the day is a bit late to expect me to drop my plans.

Unless I am really proactive and arrange the contact he just goes silent on me.

I am so, so torn as I would love her to have a Dad and would hate it if she turned to me in a few years and asked for contact and he blamed it all on me.

Should I try and keep it going all the time? She isn't aware of him letting me down as she has only just turned 2...

Ought to add she has been in hospital a lot and he never got in contact to check on her when informed of emergency admissions etc...

I kind of think I have answered my own question when typing this and maybe I am too worried about the lies he spreads about me standing in his way - his parents didn't see her for months as he lied to me that I was not allowed in their house and I simply would not hand her over to strangers...

Help! All opinions wanted!

hi claireizz,
i am so sorry for what happened to you and your dd.
the part which especially upset me when he didnt ask-visit about your dd when she was in hospital. thats so cruel, very cruel, i cant believe that. doesnt this person have any values, any feelings?
does his family know that? did they ask about her when she was in hospital?
how can they blame you?.
these people need to be told harshly that what they are doing is very wrong.
are they finding you alone-having nobody to support you? thats why are they mean to you?
there is no consequence for their such behaviours so they are acting as they like, i guess.
in these circumstances the far they are the better i think.

Battlestar: marriage doesn't and didn't protect women and children if a man decides he no longer wants to be bothered with them. This is why the CSA, botched as it has been in its exectuion, has been a Good Thing in that it tries to force selfish and reckless men to take some responsiblity (because the biggest problems facing abandoned mothers are financial).

hi madamez,
its strange isnt it: a man makes children with 3 women and he abandones all of them easily.
then the mothers suffer alone.
how do they do it so easily? there is nothing to prevent them.
i still cant understand

What I find so difficult is the conflict with actions speaking louder than words - he says he wants to see her but it is me doing all the arranging and driving to take to him. If I don't do this then contact doesn't happen.

All he really thinks about is his job and having a drink. He is in a responsible public service role (read into that what you want as I don't know whether I am able to say what job he does!) and seems to think that I should be understanding and be available around his whims. I try and explain that I work too and try to make the most of my time with her by taking her for swimming lessons, socatots etc.

We now haven't been in contact for 10 days since her Birthday. I had tried to get a straight answer from him for 2 weeks before the big day and then offered him contact for the morning before her Birthday but he made an excuse. He then texted me on her Birthday saying he would be coming to the area at lunchtime and I explained that I was taking her out to Fishers Farm. I got abuse and then nothing since then. I really do think he left it to the last minute knowing I would have something arranged to make me seem like the bad person by saying no. He know hasn't seem her for 2 months as he makes last minute excuses or says he can't afford the petrol. Surely he should find a way?

Unfortunately human society has, for a long, long time, regarded only men as full human beings, and women and children as the property of men, which men can do what they like with. It's only over the past century or so that women or children gained much in the way of human rights. That's the legacy we're dealing with, that's why so much of the stuff said and written about separated parents carries this subtext of, oh, it's bad that men walk away from their children but it's mostly the fault of women who didn't cook or clean enough, didn't let the men have enough sex with them, or didn't wear enough make up or diet enought.
THis is not to be nasty about the large majority of nice, decent, fair-minded men who do take responsibility for their children, do have respect for other human beings etc, it's ust to explain why some men are shits and why they are let get away with it.