I just need a break!

[Naicehamhun]

Within the last 6 months I have gone from co-parenting with my ex partner to begin a lone parent with no other sources of support. I just really need a break and some headspace. I feel like I am going insane. I would love any suggestions on how to cope with this sudden change.

Background story: we had an 8 year relationship. I ended the relationship 2 years ago but he continued to live with me and we had a very amicable co-parenting relationship. 1 DC who is 7.
A few months ago he got into trouble with the police and I removed him from my life immediately. The contact that he has with DC is a couple of hours a week but has to be supervised so no break there.
I work full time and every waking second I have is filled with sorting work, DC, animals, housework.
I used to have an active social life and we shared our free time equally but now I have nothing. I am really struggling.

Won’t you get a break when he goes back to school?

I have 4 and have been a LP for 3 years as ex is absent but it’s his choice. School is the only break I get but then I’m still home with my youngest so not a proper break.

Oh I relate! I have one DC (4) and have been a lone parent since day dot basically. ExH left when DC was 20 months and was away for work 5-6 days out of 7 prior to that anyway. Living the life of riley in a flat paid for by work and on dating sites I now know. I work full time and have no family nearby. It's exhausting but here's what I've learnt: if you feel comfortable doing so, have an honest conversation with work about your responsibilities at home. Help might be there in the form of flexi-time, working from home or other support which they might not know you need. If can stretch to it, get a cleaner for a couple of hours each fortnight. I couldn't give the time or money any longer to keep our pets but that's my personal decision and they were rehomed.

Build your local mum network! You need friends around you who can help with looking after DC every now and then, and you can return the favour when you can. Even if it's just for a couple of hours while you get some sleep or sort the laundry! I've found this invaluable.

I've had to make my peace with the fact that right now, my house will never be as tidy as I'd like it. My work will never be the absolute perfect standard and my hair will almost always be dry shampooed. But my DC is clean, fed, healthy and happy. As a single parent, you're doing the work of two people, it's never going to be easy. But every day you get through is a win so be kind to yourself and know that you are not alone x

@PumpkinP. OP works full time, so will be at work when DC is at school.
Why does it have to be you supervising the contact? Why not arrange a contact centre? I know you (or he) will have to pay for it, but it would give you a few hours to yourself?

Yeh that’s true, maybe mum friends then as pp said, does your child go to play dates with school friends?

Thanks for your suggestions. I am at breaking point this morning. I'm so tired I can barely function.
Yeah I work Full, full-time in a very intense job so between 7am and 6pm I am out of the house and rushing around. My half an hour for lunch is spent catching up with bills and life admin.

I am ashamed to say that I really don't know any other parents. None of my friends have children yet and are all still rather focused on their own lives. They just don't understand how hard it is. One friend has offered one night a month babysitting, but I have to use that to work on call so I don't lose my job.
I use wraparound care in the morning and after school so have only met a couple of school gate mums, only acquaintances. I have no idea how to make new friends at this stage in life.
There is no end in sight. I can't face doing this routine for the next 10+ years.

Ask your friend for an extra overnight babysitting session every month.

Talk to more mums at the school.

Take some annual leave and have a spa day.

Arrange a spa day with your dc at the weekend.

Get your dc to arrange a sleepover which will hopefully be reciprocated.

Aside from the Christmas play and Parents evening I do not step foot into school at all. I know no parents. I am such a bad mother. DC can not attend any school clubs or activities because I rely solely on wrap around care.

I appreciate the traditional Mumsnet Spa day suggestion but contrary to popular belief it doesn't actually solve any of life's problems and I would be better off using my annual leave to cover the school holidays so I don't bankrupt myself.

Does anyone know how I would go about finding a contract center? I thought you needed a court order to access one and at the moment as police investigation is still ongoing I haven't been able to go to court.

Please don't think you are a bad mother because you are doing all you must to keep head above water. I felt like that too when my kids were younger. The childminder took them too and from school every day so I and they were very out of the loop with playdates etc but to be honest they didn't really notice. I changed jobs so that I could drop them at the school based wraparound care and that has really improved my connection with the school and allowed them to access activities. 7-6 is a very long day.. Is there any option to reduce those hours a bit, find a shorter commute or something?

Everyone needs a break, don't feel bad for wanting one.

But if you're not trying to network with other parents to share the load, or taking any time off to take care of yourself (for fear of bankruptcy, which will clearly definitely happen from taking one whole day off!), you're not going to get a break.

No magic babysitting fairy is going to appear and give you a break, you need to make it happen. And yes, sometimes taking time for yourself does take so much effort to organise, it doesn't feel worth it!

Some children's centres act as contact centres. Contact your local council.

I can hear the despair in your message and I’m not too sure I can be helpful as you’re obviously very resourceful and doing your best already. I would feel absolutely the same in your position - please know that what you’re doing is almost impossible.

One thing I would say though is that it is unlikely to be like this for 10 years. Your DS is 7. In a year’s time you will (if he is responsible) be able to leave him in while you pop to the shops. In three years time, perhaps while you pop to a friend’s for a cup of tea. Four years time, a date even. I know this sounds awful, but three years feels a shit tonne better than ten.

This is another suggestion. I joined a church. I am not religious but I needed to go out and meet people with kids. I met lots of parents with kids at the same school and now have friends for emergencies etc. They have some holiday clubs etc too. This is worth a shot if you get Sundays off. We have Jewish and Muslim folk at my church - it’s very inclusive.

Lastly the jump from 7-8 is quite noticeable. Your boy will be able to sort himself out a bit more soon - getting his clothes ready for school the next day. Being calm but frank with him about each of your responsibilities may be a useful way to get him on board.

Lastly when we feel like this it can be hard to connect with our kids. I feel resentful at times. I want to get away. Times like this I let kids fall asleep in my bed so that they are physically close, but I don’t have to be talkative at that point.

And I know through my job contact centres are v expensive so make sure he pays.

Is there a WhatsApp group for the class? I think it's pretty common now. Get on that group and you can start making friends electronically, and find out when any events and parties are.

I'm in a similar position, work full time, rarely at the school gates and I have a handful of friends but I am a bit rubbish at nurturing those relationships as I'm too tired and busy a lot of the time. The WhatsApp group does allow me to dip in and out, and made me available to others who wanted to contact me for play dates and parties.

I completely understand your situation. Where in the UK are you?

I've been a single parent since pregnancy. My DS is 5 and his 'father' has never wanted to see him. Family wise I have my elderly parents and that's it.

I have 3 close friends who I get to see twice a year if I'm lucky. Due to a delicate and sensitive situation that I suffered last year, none of the school mums involve me or my DS in anything. We try to invite kids round for playdates or Halloween parties, but everyone says no. My son keeps telling me we have a rubbish family and asks why we don't ever get any visitors. I've been single since pregnancy in 2013 and my son keeps asking me to find a boyfriend, but my only babysitting option is my folks who rarely babysit. Other mum's in school have their parents babysit every weekend plus nights in the week. They've no idea how lucky they are!

I also suffer from ME, fibromyalgia, arthritis and other stuff so life is pretty damn difficult.

I've tried looking to get involved with local Gingerbread groups but they're aren't any near me. Have you tried Gingerbread?

If I can make other mummy friends it would actually help me to babysit their kids so my son gets visitors and friends to play with.

Where do people like us find new friends!?

You’re not doing a bad job, you’re stressed and under a lot of pressure. Taking the odd day off work as a sick day for your own mental health and well-being might help with some of the tiredness. I’m in a pretty similar boat to you except my son is 11 months old and one of the ways I stay sane is by reminding myself that if I got one thing done today then I did well and to just accept that I won’t ever do everything right but trying my best is what matters.
It sounds like your job is really high intensity and I imagine you won’t get a break. So if you need to cultivate friendships it will be at the weekend. Some good advice I was given is to go to activities (like swimming) on the weekends as you can guarantee that will be a solo parent kind of activity and you’ll have more chance of chatting to other parents. Or, choose an activity you like and go to it, if you son can sit on the sidelines reading a book / playing on his iPad, then that would be fine. I am thinking of joining the local photography club as I can stick my son in the pram and join them on walks, for instance.
Ultimately though it’s hard and it’s ok for you to be sad, angry and grieving the loss of the life you had a few months ago. Basically what you’re going through is what most people go through during the actual breakup.

There is a baby sitting site called sitters which I have used they verify and check out the sitters and you can usually get a slot when you need it . As people have said as he gets older certainly by high school age he can be left for a short amount of time then you can build it up .
Nice that this thread exists for support

Thats my life too except I work fulltime, EXDH has them NEVER and I have THREE...

I would look for local sitters at 7 a teenager would be fine obviously meet them first.

Sometimes make some space at home.

Get 7 year old helping a bit.

I have a Tv in my bedroom . I find if I sit on sofa I just get too tired to go upstairs.

Could you swap wrap round care for an au pair? might not be that much difference in cost and it would be another grown person to help. Good luck. I'm also wondering how people find time/money etc to go to a spar!? They clearly haven't heard your real world question...

Spa !

Does he have family who could help out or supervise the contact?
I don’t see why you should be supervising contact if he’s at fault for whatever he is being charged with? Who has said it needs to be supervised?
Is there any chance of building friendships via work? Any other single parents there? Or failing that, contact the wraparound care and ask if they have any staff members who do babysitting of an evening and join a club?