Feeling close to a breakdown

[notjustamother]

I'm a single mum of 4 kids. I split with ex in August following him distancing himself, it then came out a month later he had been seeing a mum at school and he proceeded to move in with her and introduce the children.

In this time maintenance was sporadic, he lied about work and finally I went to CMS as he wasn't paying at all, he has lied about his hours and has to pay £20 a week for all 4 kids. He now hasn't paid this for 4 weeks and it's in the process of going to a reduction of earnings.

We are not amnicable at all, OW has done certain things to fire the situation, ex is in denial about any wrong doing, sees no harm caused to the children by this and is now trying to reduce his contact also (currently does one overnight and day a week and one dinner for a couple of hour plus take two children to their clubs for 2 hours) he says he has no time for himself which I find an insult. I have started to work the weekends to keep afloat and he is now trying to drop this certain day. I have offered other alternative but he is insistent on this day, says I am trying to control him, he will take me to court etc.

I just feel at my wits end, I am so stressed out, everyday there seems to be something else. I am an emotional wreck, I've thought about just walking out several times due to sheer desperation at the situation and have also thought about killing myself on occasion (I don't think I would follow through but it scares me I feel this strongly at times and I feel to some extent I am too emotional) I love my kids but this is relentless, ex has dropped days and evenings with no notice, doesn't seem to want to proactively have extra time with the kids in the holidays etc it's me doing all the chasing and asking to just have it thrown back in my face I'm trying to palm the kids off.and I am struggling with the fact he's not putting the kids first and he's kind of just playing happy families with someone else and her kids which I have to witness everyday at the school. I don't really know what I want to gain from posting this tbh just I guess to know others that have come through this and that their is light at the end of the tunnel because atm even though I know deep down it's all for the best I am struggling trying to work this all out for the kids and deal with the unfairness of it all. I never expected to be raising 4 children alone with little support.

Please make an appointment with ur doctor, you’ve had a difficult time and need help and support. There is no shame in seekin help from your doctor, you have to look after you as the kids need you - you’re the dependable parent.

Do you have any family of fronds who can help you with the kids?
This is a stressful time, you will get through this x

I've already been to the doctor at the start as I was having panic attacks, I got medication which has now ran out but I didn't feel I needed as the panic attacks have stopped(although had one just before Xmas with the stress of it all) I was referred for CBT also but I didn't find it helpful, stuff I already knew, I asked to be referred for councelling as I feel I need to sit talk everything out but I have to pay and I don't have the money. I can't even afford my rent this month.

I have had so much support from family and friends and really that's what's kept me going but I don't wNt to have to keep calling my best friend at 10 at night to come over because I've got myself into a state. It's been 4 months ish now since it all came out and I just feel like I'm going backwards at times. I hate feeling like I want to run from it all or want to end things it makes me feel even worse BecUse I should be stronger than this. I am normally really on top of my feelings and great at dealing with stuff but no matter how much I can rationalise everything in my head and put stuff into place practically sometimes it's not enough and I feel out of my depth and I hate feeling not in control of myself

Hi lovely! I'm in a similar situation as yourself, but with a few more kids. I have six under five, DD1 is three, DD2 and 3 are three in Jan and the triplets are three months old. Their father left unexpectedly nine months ago before I knew I was pregnant with the triplets and I found out he had been cheating on me for three years, was expecting a baby with this other woman and was moving halfway across the world to get away from me and the kids. We had been together since we were sixteen so this was a bit of a kick in the teeth, considering I definitely thought he was the one for me forever and he was brilliant with the kids.

I found out I was pregnant with triplets three months later at six months along and when I tried to get in contact with him, his mother told me he didn't give a fuck about me or any of the kids, regretted ever meeting me and having them, and then she moved away so I couldn't contact her either! The rest of his family have passed or aren't in contact with him and his mother, so the kids are truly alone without anyone from their dad's side.

It's tough. It's demanding being a mother, nevermind a single mother with so many kids that rely on you. I suffer terribly with anxiety and will be going back onto my medication once I finish breastfeeding the triplets. It's a battle to drag myself out of bed every day but I know these kids need me because they have no other parent to raise them and that sends me on my way.

You're bound to be really upset for a while. I haven't really gave myself time to handle this and I doubt I will with having six young children and being run off my feet constantly, but it's really important to let yourself feel. Your kids won't be scared if they see you upset, because it shows them that it's okay not to be okay and I can guarantee it'll show them that you understand how they feel. You'll probably get a lot more openness from them regarding their feelings if you share yours and a problem shared is a problem halved as my dad says. Your family is the most important thing and your kids will look back when they're older and remember everything you did for them to keep a roof over their heads and food in their bellies. You're doing amazing considering the circumstances and I think you should reward yourself with a nice bath and some alone time to sleep or read or watch a film without the kids being with you.

I hope you manage to sort the money thing out with their dickhead dad, and keep going with what you're doing because it seems to be working for you and your family xx

No wonder you are stressed and no doubt in shock. It hasn't been a long time so don't berate yourself as if you are supposed to be okay already. You are asking for help via GP and even this forum which shows you do have fight in you, after/during an overwhelming situation. You can do this.

If you can afford/get legal aid get a lawyer to sort out arrangements. Structure will help. That could mean 1 day to every second weekend to alternate weeks. The man is a fool, kids get older and he'll miss so much.

Your username of notjustamother is totally on it. At the moment that role will be going into overdrive but you are more than just a mum and without that man you have an opportunity to meet someone better. I wouldn't wish your ex on anyone! I wouldn't worry about the happy families he's playing, he'll never be trusted by the new woman.

You're reaching out, you're doing the right things and you WILL get through this.

No one should be treated the way you have and it's mind blowing when someone, who you're so close to, does that to you. Shockingly, it's not uncommon and there are lots of us here who've survived - you can talk to us here and it does help.

Your friends will listen to you - they don't mind, they're friends. And, I promise, you will eventually get to a stage where you don't need to talk about it all the time! But, while you do and while it's feeling never-ending, go ahead and offload.

And, go back to your gp - the right medication can help you to feel a lot better and make everything feel more manageable. You're entitled to this support and there is no shame in taking medication. You don't have to tell anyone!

However difficult things get, at least you are not him. It may seem impossible now but you will and can choose to be happy. And be kind to yourself while things are hard.

I’m in a very similar situation OP except they didn’t stay together. It being a mum/family from DC’s school makes everything so much harder. The only advice I can offer is to go back on medication and stick to it and do nice things Feel free to PM me

Thanks everyone for your messages, I guess everyone else (him, his family and even the kids to some extent although they are confused) have moved on and are accepting the other woman so I feel like I should just be okay but I just don't feel it, I am angry about the extent of the lies and I feel like they are both horrid people for how they have acted and I don't want that around the kids. I know deep down it's for the best and he's really shown his true colours and I already know I feel much happier being alone I guess it's just the idea of a broken family for the kids and this new woman being rubbed in my face (although perhaps I could also be overthinking that) I guess for now I have to build my confidence and resilience back up. I have been using any free time without the kids to do fun stuff and again friends and family have been helping me so much.

Time for others is irrelevant, you must not worry about it. I think it's a period of grief you will be going through, so it will be one step forward two steps back for a bit. Better to go through it now than store it up in denial. You'll be healthier on the other side. You're also right - they are horrible and have proven themselves liars. Remember not to take things he says seriously as he is a proven liar (in other words don't even take on board the comments he makes to defend his poor behaviour). I think as your new life becomes more normal to you, you'll gain more happiness and you'll suddenly feel like the person is so insignificant and doesn't deserve your tears. You were born in to this world not as something belonging to this man but for you. It's your life. Don't let his lower league personality wreck the rest of your life, let it continue to wreck his own. And I wouldn't be fooled at school gates - they know you're there and will be putting on a show/front. Probably not just for you but the other parents who will think they are dreadful.

Thanks for your reply, I know I can't trust anything he says. I am struggling again tonight, I have been away visiting family for the new year and I really don't want to go home and back to all the problems. I wish I had money to just start afresh, still locally but far enough away that I didn't have to see them everyday. The idea I have another few years of this (her kid is in my kids class so literally doing the same drop off) fills me with dread. I fleet from feeling at rock bottom, I can't cope and do this, 4 kids alone he does have them but not for proper time it's me with them every day/night to pure anger and frustration. I just wish I could speed up this process and get out the other side because it sucks. I also keep having thought of just ending it which scares me again. I think I do need to go back to the doctor, I am not sure if i can be helped, I honestly feel like I'm going mad sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I should just pass the kids over to him because I'm doing such a shot job when I'm like this. I am too stressed.

It sounds like you are doing a good job to me. You sons to be a strong person too. Even so, please make time for yourself whenever/if ever you can. You will get through it but take all the help and support you can get

*you sound to be

Thanks, I needed to hear that. As I said I've been trying to make the most of what time I have but he's now trying to drop the only solid bit of time he has with them (apart from the Friday to Saturday overnight he only has them for 2 hours in which I just about manage a bath - I used to go to costa with a friend but he keeps coming later and later so I've had to stop that!) I have been working the Saturdays to boost my income so really I have only a Friday night free but I have been doing things then when I can afford to. It's a bit of a vicious circle, sometimes I just need to use that time to catch up on house stuff. I just feel like everytime I feel like I'm getting somewhere he pushes back and ruins it like the Costa and now with the extra income from the job and him wanting to drop fri/sat to 2 weekly instead. I think the uncertainty and everything being up in the air is also a big worry for me as I don't really know where I stand and I can't plan anything. I just feel in limbo a bit. In regards to the kids I love them dearly but their behaviour has also been difficult and I am baring the brunt of a lot of their anger which I struggle with. Dad gets the good side of everything.

You sound an amazing mum. It’s so hard to manage kids’ behaviour when you’re already feeling low. I’m sure you being there for them and showing them you love them will be of huge benefit to them and of course you still need to set standards and boundaries when they behave badly.

I don’t think you should feel bad for leaning on your friends/family as they will want to be there for you and you would do the same for them (you probably will one day if/when they go through a challenging time).