I’ve had enough

[Mum901]

I can’t do this anymore. I’ve tried really hard. My daughter is 20 months old and I have no family support and about 2 or 3 friends that I see a few times a year. Our life is completely isolated. Even before she was born I was super isolated, so not much has changed. We live in a tiny studio flat provided by the council and I’m on benefits. I’m so fed up and depressed. I hate my life and I feel bad for my daughter. Recently I’ve become abit snappy towards her too. She always seems bored and doesn’t get into things. She has loads of books and toys but doesn’t bother with them, sometimes she just walks around. I’m so tired all the time but can’t seem to sleep. I’ve had enough. I don’t want to live this life anymore. And she is going to grown up isolated because of me. I’m seriously considering putting her up for adoption then taking my life. I feel so incredibly deeply unhappy

lack of sleep is horrendous. You come across as caring deeply for your daughter or you wouldn't feel this way I think.

Soon she will be able to go to a playgroup and she'll learn to socialise there and later on at school where she will make friends.

20 months old is young still and she will sometimes walk round and ignore her toys, at least mine did. Will she show an interest in them if you do? I know it's hard work for you, especially as a lone parent.

Have you thought about talking to your GP to see if you have depression?

Been there.

It’s shit!

I got out by getting a job and a mortgage but neither of those are east these days!

All you can do is try though.

I keep trying. I’m constantly fighting this battle in my head about whether to give her up for adoption and take my life. I just feel so shit about myself & I don’t think a job is the answer right now but definitely in the near future if I’m able to push on

@halocompanach I’m just very conscious of having a negative effect on her. I went through a lot with my mum as a kid and I can see the effects that it’s had on me.

She does show interest when I play with her but still gets bored. At one stage I was constantly buying new toys but it didn’t work. I don’t know why she doesn’t get into things, I think it’s weird. She doesn’t like tv either. Sometimes I really don’t know what to do when we’re at home & lately I’ve been lacking energy so I don’t always want to play with her. She’ll come and feed on my breast frequently out of boredom and I’m absolutely sick of that but I don’t know how to stop.

Everything is just getting to me which is why I think I’ve gotten abit snappy.

I’ve been to the go several times and am now on the waiting list for therapy. Tried medication but it made me feel horrendous

Can you go out for a walk with her, pick up sticks. Collect leaves etc, is there baby groups near you so you can make friends or just chat to people. Ring you health visitor and ask her to pop in to see you tell her how overwhelmed you feel see if she can offer support

Hi Mum901. I'm a lone parent too and because of my own personal circumstances I was isolated. It is very hard. Here are some strategies that helped me. I hope some of them will help you too.

Babies, toddlers, young children need sensory activities for example water play, finger painting, sand, etc. I filled up a tub of water and plastic cups for pouring and sat outside with her. I took her to parks and playground. She could pick grass, leaves etc. dig in the dirt, sand, tan bark, while I had a coffee and relaxed. (I still kept an eye on her to make sure she didn't eat a poisonous plant or choke on a piece of bark). Getting outside time and some fresh air might be what she needs. And you'll benefit too. I made play dough so it was non toxic and didn't matter if she put some in her mouth. I bought a plastic kids table, covered it with butcher paper or those rolls of paper for painting at an easel, that I secured to the table with masking tape. Then gave her a large crayon (the ones for young kids that are washable) to draw with. I started my daughter with a black crayon because the contrast between black and white stands out to young children and she'll be interested in the lines she's creating. Eventually I introduced her to primary colours and then secondary colours.

Sometimes I played with her and sometimes I set her up to play by herself so that I could get a rest.

I also bought paper plates so I could cut down on dishes and a lightweight swivel sweeper that made cleaning up multiple messes on the floor easier.

Sensory play helped me too because sometimes squishing play dough relieves stress.

I also bought her percussion instruments like maraccas, egg shakers, tambourine, xylophone etc. Young kids love making music. Put your favorite CD on and have a dance or sit back and chill. A bit of background music can change the atmosphere.

All the best.

Isolation can eat you up, and I’m wondering if you have depression. I think get your health visitor over, let her know how you feel.

I can remember crying in the doctors surgery when my second child was small, I had postnatal depression, it’s not a good place to be, but just support from someone who cares means an awful lot.

I went to as many toddler groups as I could just to get out and meet people and my son is very sociable and well adjusted, maybe your child would rather have social interaction than toys, just a thought.

I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling isolated and that you feel like you can't be a parent any more.

I found 20 months a difficult age with my little one - she would play with things for a few seconds and then move on to the next thing, so would get through all of her toys very quickly each morning and then be bored. She also didn't enjoy watching tv at that age. I found she enjoyed being out of the house a lot more than in it - for example, we'd go to the shops and walk around without buying anything, and she enjoyed that. We would go to the library as well and she enjoyed taking books off the shelves (even though she wouldn't sit still to read them).

It's much easier now she's 2 - she plays with things for longer and will sit and watch tv for 10-15 minutes at a time. It does get easier.

She is just a baby and it’s really hard work at that age. They don’t have the focus/concentration to get into things. She is perfectly normal and you’re expecting too much because she is your only focus.

It sounds like you’re living in a bubble. It must be hard. You need to start leaving the house, find a local playgroup, swimming, a little walk to the park- anything you think you can manage that will break this cycle of you being tied to long days alone in the house with a toddler.

Are there any churches near you? Soft play?

I remember days where I would run my toddler a bath with bubbles and toys and just sit there with a cuppa, exhausted, as that was the only time they’d sit and play for long enough for me to be able to rest (do not fall asleep though and don’t leave baby unattended even for a second).

You could call the Samaritans while she naps and also I would go back to the gp and try different medication.

Also sometimes focusing on others can help you stop feeling so fed up about our own lives. There will be other people in your community feeling like you do.

First step OP is reach out to your health visitor. She should be able to point you in the direction to help lots of these issues. At 20 months it's normal to not engage in things for long and to not be interested in TV. I second taking her out more - this will help you too and also looking in to toddler groups to help with the isolation. GP for how you are feeling but the HV could also suggest other services that can help. As a PP says this is a tricky age and it will get better.

Same here but I have 4!! Absent ex, no family. Never a break. It’s awful. You’re not alone.

you are not alone OP

i mean this nicely, get a job - BECAUSE you will socialise, get out the house. You get free hours once shes 2, so look into getting a job now and use UC 85% help.

Join playgroups, they cost next to nothing, go the park, feed the ducks, throw a ball, my kids like to chase a ball (think they watch dogs too much)!, just go outside.

But absolutely get a job. I am single, kids, house, mortgage etc, i workmy arse off and its bloody hard.

without my job id go insaine. Miss them, but love them more beause i hada break.

If you can also, get some childcare (free hours) spread when your off work so you can just be alone

Hi everyone, thanks for all of your comments and suggestions I really appreciate it!

I’ve read them all and taken in what you’ve advised and suggested. I do actually take her out to play groups, the park, the farm, library etc but I can sometimes be abit inconsistent due to my fluctuating moves and difficulty maintaining a routine because she always fights her sleep.
I’ve taken on board suggestions regarding me getting back into work and I’m seriously considering it now. I think it’ll be quite tough for both of us being separated from each other but I think it’d also be quite beneficial too!..

Tomorrow is a new year- I hope it’s a happier one for you Op :)