Move closer to family after christmas?

[mummycubs]

I currently live about an hour to two hours away from my parents and my older brother, his wife and their three kids. My older sister lives between the two cities with her husband and their baby due next year, my younger sister travels for a living with her boyfriend and my two younger brothers (17/12) live with myself and my six kids for their school. They both attend a very good private school they got into because of their abilities in science, maths and sports. They live with me because it's only ten minutes from my house and our parents work away a lot during the year, so it's better for them to stay with me and save the commute and money for our parents.

I moved away from my family because of my ex when we were twenty. The house is about midway from both of our families so it was better when the children were born so his mother could see them as often as she could in person. It's a good area with good schools but it's never really felt like home because I always felt like I never fit in with the people here. It only got worse when my ex left to move halfway across the world and his mother moved away too, so I'm only really living down here now so the boys can go their school.

We're spending christmas with our parents now I'm lone parenting because we don't want the kids feeling like they're alone without their dad for the first time. I know for a fact he won't even call considering he spent the last three years cheating on me and has another kid now and lives across the globe . Being back home with all of my siblings and their families (there is over 20 of us staying in our childhood home with five bedrooms and six dogs which is hectic but exactly as I remember all of my childhood holidays to be!), it really makes me feel sad.

I want to move back home. My big sister announced tonight at dinner that her and her husband have bought a house down the road from my parents and will be moving back after christmas, my little sister has rented a flat with her boyfriend about five minutes away from our childhood home and my big brother has announced his wife is pregnant with their fourth child. I live out of the circle now that everyone is moving and I'm scared about my children and my brothers and myself missing out on everything because we're far away.

I really want to move back home but I'm scared to upset my little brothers if I tell them that because then they won't be able to go to their school unless they find a host family or board there (which would cost my parents a lot more and they're not poor but it's just wasting money they wouldn't need to spend if I just stayed put). This school could really unlock brilliant doors for them and I know my parents would move down here if they could but their main office is based by their house and there's no offices down here or they would've moved already.

I know I should put myself and my kids first but the area isn't a bad place to raise them if I ended up staying here, it's only really my FOMO making me want to move. I looked before and there are a few houses perfect close to my family near good schools for my kids and for the boys, but they aren't like the same private school that they go to now.

I really don't know what to do. I don't want to mention anything to my family until I've got some secure details about what could happen if we moved because it might cause unnecessary excitement or upset (depending on who hears me talking about it).

You have six kids of your own and 2 siblings to look after. Aside from being a saint when do you get time for FOMO?
Are you sure you are not just feeling a bit shattered and lonely? Might be worth calling in some favours with your parents and some babysitting from the 17yro for some time to yourself / time out with other adults.
The 17yro will leave school next year I guess but that's another 5yrs with your youngest brother. Is it likely that the 17yro will live locally for uni? Perhaps the youngest could stay with the sibling half way to your parents.
In short I don't think you should live somewhere you don't want to be just to facilitate family. But. It's a lot of stamp duty etc to move and it's worth examining whether you will really feel different nearer to home?
Lastly, any chance your own children will be bright enough to win scholarships to the same school?

@TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams
It's really stressful and tiring but I have the best support network around me so we manage! My kids are all under five (DD1=3, DD2 and 3= 2, 3 in Jan, and the triplets DS1, DS2 and DD4= 3 months) and once they're in bed, my brothers tend to distance themselves off to do their homework or talk to their friends, so I have a bit of free time in the night after cleaning. That's when I usually speak to my other siblings and parents and get updates about whatever is going on.

I definitely think I will be calling in some favours over christmas. My triplets are three months old and I haven't had a night out in about a year, so I think my little sister will definitely try (and succeed) to drag me to a bar over the holidays and it will be much needed!

DB17 leaves this coming June after finishing his exams and he's already been offered places at unis all over the UK so that's a guessing game at this point, but he did assure me he doesn't want to go too far from us or our parents and other siblings because he wouldn't manage alone at all. He lacks so much common sense for someone of such a high intelligence and I worry about leaving him alone with the kids sometimes without the 12 year old to help him along the way .

DB12 is only in year eight so I suppose it's not too late to uproot him but then it may upset him if he really wants to stay, so I guess we will have to have a big sit down conversation with all of the adults and the boys to properly discuss all options going forward.

I'm not too sure about my kids winning scholarships yet. I think if any of them could, based on what they're interested in now and how they are, DD3 would be most likely out of all of them but then again, they're all under five and are only in nursery, so who knows? If they are clever enough to win scholarships when they're older, we could worry about that then, but I don't think it would be worth living here for another eight to ten years just to find out if they could get a scholarship.

It's all very stressful so close to Christmas but I think I'll bring it up with them after the extended family have all visited on Boxing day so there aren't any fights or heavy feelings until after that. Thank you!xx

bump

Sorry, busy couple of days.
I'm still in awe of 6 kids under 5 incl 3x3months. Fuck me you must be drowning.

Your 17 yo brother leaves school next year. Tell your parents that you are moving, that's only one child to pay for boarding.

I'm not sure that you will get the support that you crave though. Travel for work or not if feels like your parents are taking the piss not to be spending more time helping you out given you are in loco parentis for two of their own children so much.

@TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams Hi lovely, hope you and yours had a wonderful christmas!

It's hard but it's so worth it and I seem to have picked some lucky cards because all six of them are angels sent from heaven. They definitely don't have my temperament!

We actually ended up discussing this yesterday, which was probably why it went so well everyone was in good moods because it's Christmas. As it turns out, my brother (17) has decided to come to university near our parents so he can stay home and not have to pay for student housing, and my brother (12) hates the school as he feels they put so much pressure on them. My parents were quite upset to hear that but his happiness comes above everything and they were quite happy to move him back to a mainstream school at home, where he will begin attending in January! {grin}

My parents and I are going to view a house in two days which we think will be a perfect fit for my little family, with five bedrooms and a big loft which I can convert into another two bedrooms when the kids are older. It has a big garden and it's right in the center of my parent's house, my sister's house, my other sister's flat, and my brother's house, which is brilliant.

If we get the house, we'll move in quite soon as my job has an office down here they're happy to transfer me to. My brother (17) will stay with his best friends (my parents and theirs grew up together so we've all grown up together) until the end of the school year and will come home every weekend he can and every holidays until he goes to uni.

My kids will move into the nursery at the local school where my nieces and nephews attend and my kids have even managed to convince me to think about getting a puppy for the twins' birthday next month so we'll see how that plays out without my extra helpers to keep the kids entertained.

Thanks for the support and advice! Merry Christmas!

Wow! That's a productive Christmas!! Happy 2020!!

Good luck

sounds like a plan OP

except the dog -really would not do that with such young kids! wait till they are 4+

absolute nightmare that would be!!

best of luck

Surely this is an issue for your parents to resolve. If they expected you to put your life on hold for 5-6 years it was not a fair arrangement to make.

Does the school do weekly boarding?

@carly2803 I agree so I'm probably going to get them one of those robot dogs that does flips and explain that until the triplets are at least three there is no talk of pets .

@disfordarkchocolate they said they would've sorted boarding if my youngest brother hadn't wanted wanted to move school anyway, so we sorted it for my other brother and he's staying with his friends. They only do termly boarding which would be really tough on him because he's never gone over two weeks without seeing at least one person in the family and he's got ASD so we weren't really expecting him to manage staying at school for boarding. We're really lucky his best friends and their family are having him because they're experienced in dealing with him and can just call us if he needs one of us to come and see him.

So wish I had noticed your update as it's a wonderful update. You sound like a lovely family.

I don't think it's unreasonable and tbh in your situations I'd want to do exactly the same thing.

However, I think that you need to consider all relevant things.

Is the 17 year old going to be doing his Alevels in 2020 or 2021? If 2020 I'd plan a move for when he's completed them in fairness to him. If not then I think that regardless of cost to your parents, that's a matter for them to resolve. Be it remaining at the private school as a boarder or elsewhere or relocating to a similar private school - there's likely to be one though perhaps not as good. Either way that's your parents issue to resolve and
I'd say the more notice they have the better.

What about cost of accommodation? Can you afford to relocate and buy there? What if your home doesn't sell? Could you rent out and rent near your parents?

What about work opportunities for you?

What about schooling for your children? How old are they? Are they likely to easily manage a move with the benefit of being close to family?

Then you need to think really carefully about what could be negative repercussions like what if they all have their lives without you weaved into their daily lives. How would you feel if potentially you feel even more lonely as their lives continue and you're potentially not as included as you hoped?

What about childcare? Would family actually really help out or would it just be an aspirational hope that they would?

Personally even if the family weren't as involved as you liked, I'd still move. But be aware your family maybe less forthcoming especially your parents for their own selfish or self centred reasons about your two brothers and could send you on a guilt trip.....

For some reason there was a glitch and I could only see your initial post and the first response, hence my post is out of sync.

Great news.

'my two younger brothers (17/12) live with myself and my six kids for their school. They both attend a very good private school they got into because of their abilities in science, maths and sports. They live with me because it's only ten minutes from my house and our parents work away a lot during the year, so it's better for them to stay with me and save the commute and money for our parents.'

Wow Op your parents have done well to arrange that as you posted the above only a week ago.

You are a fast moving family that's for sure.

'my two younger brothers (17/12) live with myself and my six kids for their school. They both attend a very good private school they got into because of their abilities in science, maths and sports. They live with me because it's only ten minutes from my house and our parents work away a lot during the year, so it's better for them to stay with me and save the commute and money for our parents.'

Wow Op your parents have done well to arrange that as you posted the above only a week ago.

You are a fast moving family that's for sure.

@MarthasGinYard hahaha, they do move fast. Because of where the school is, when the boys got their acceptance letters, I offered to let them stay with me. My parents didn't work away much then, but because they agreed and let the boys come and stay with me since September 2018, they picked up more hours because they had no real reason to be home around school hours anymore. It worked out well because they both got promotions and my mum was able to cut her hours again now to be there for my brother before and after school but still bring in the same money as before due to her position in the company. My parents have worked with that company since before they had us, so that probably helped them a lot with sorting their hours this quickly.