Ex threatening court

[bluebunny123]

Hi all just after some advice as I want to be as prepared as possible.
My ex and I are currently having disagreements over how often/when he sees dd. He is now saying he will take me to court. So as not to drip feed I'm offering him more time than he currently spends I'm not trying to stop him seeing her.

Anyway I've never been to court and don't know of anyone who has. Just wondering what happens? Do I get some sort of letter telling me he's started proceedings?
Do I need to do anything beforehand to prepare? Aside from get some legal advice.

The whole situation is slightly unexpected as up until recently we were getting along fine.
I'd be happy to sit down with him and talk through it but unfortunately everything that comes out of my mouth is a joke to him and we can't discuss things properly
Any advice appreciated.

You will get a copy Of the application but will need to attend mediation first which generally u both have to pay for. The court you won't if he applies. However there are some circumstances you don't have to attend mediation. MIAM.. Maybe Google it and get as much info as u can.

How old is your dd. How often does he have her.? What are you offering. What does he want..

@AlwaysThereForEveryoneElse thanks for the reply.

Current situation is he has her Saturday 11-4 and occasionally overnight. He's had her stay 3 times this year. I've asked him if he would like to have her Friday night until Saturday morning because now she's at school her weekends are quite hectic with parties etc that he won't take her to so she ends up missing out on seeing him. He doesn't want that thinks I'm being demanding. He wants to continue with his few hours on a Saturday and occasional overnights.

So he's taking you to court to see her less? Let him crack on!

What what? He wants less than your offering?

eh? what does he want then?

sounds like you're being entirely sensible, and reasonable with what you're offering him. I could understand if he wanted more time but he doesn't even take you up on what you're offering?

I bet he wont take you!

Sounds like what you're offering means he gets her, she sleeps then she leaves whereas his current arrangement gives them more daytime hours together which seems fair. How old is she?

To be honest you sound unfair here, you prioritise time at parties over time with her dad and your solution is seeing her for a short time in the evening, having her sleep and then give breakfast and hand her back.

The amount of time he has her is pathetic, what is he actually asking for?

I see your point now you've said it gives him less time I'd never thought of it like that. He wants to just keep things as they are but it's become difficult to fit things in around the Saturdays he has her. I just don't think she should miss out on parties and things she's invited to when she's with him. He won't take her so she will miss out.

I'm saying if he doesn't want to take her he can have her Friday night from 4:30 until Saturday lunchtime. I don't think that's an unreasonable amount of time considering how long he has her now. My personal opinion is that he should be sharing the responsibility of looking after her. I'd quite look forward to a night a week not having to put her to bed and get up early with her

She's 4 and a half @Ronia

A court will be looking at what's best for your child and friends' parties etc will, I'm sure, be found to be something that needs to be accommodated. He's going to look incredibly selfish if he tries to suggest that he should be prioritised over her normal social interactions. With any luck, he'll find himself with a court order o living him to accommodate such events when they occur on dates that she's seeing him.

My daughter's arrangements don't go into detail about these things and my ex has refused to take her to every single party that's cropped up on one of his days. DD is only 6 but already knows that he won't take her to anything - good luck to him explaining himself to her when she gets old enough to question him about it

Having said all this and having been through the courts about arrangements for our DD, there is no knowing what illogical, useless arrangement they'll decide to put in place - their incompetence is truly shocking.

But you have nothing to fear, you have done nothing wrong. If you can ( but their phone lines are always busy) google and phone Rights of Women - they are incredibly helpful and their website has lots of useful guides to the court process.

Good luck!

Correction: obliging not o living

“So he's taking you to court to see her less? Let him crack on!”

Yep!

The solicitor alone will laugh him out the room! He’s being fucking ridiculous!!

If it makes it as far as court he’ll look a total tit!

Thanks for all the replies. @NooNooMummy will take a look at them not heard of them before.

I just want it to be fair. On her him and me. There is no reason for him not to have her stay overnight once a week. He can let her stay up they can play/watch movies and have a great time that was my thinking.
I just don't know what else I can do to make it work for all of us.

I'll be watching with interest! Because my ex went back to court to get an order to reduce his amount of time. Honestly! Despite everything saying that our DD needed consistent, frequent time with him. And the judge even recognised my need for child-free time (telling my ex 'A mother is entitled to a life too!"). But ex insisted that he couldn't commit to the minimum amount of time recommended and, apparently, no court will force NRP to spend time with their child if that NRP doesn't want to - it's considered not to be in the child's best interests...

This was my experience. And my heart bleeds for my daughter. Ex's excuses - with a straight face - were 'I work 60 hours a week...' ' I'm entitled to have a life.' If a shitty father wants to be shitty, it seems that no court can protect the mother and child from the consequences of that.

@NooNooMummy what a joke these men are can't be bothered that's all it is they're lazy and have no clue how hard it is to raise a child alone.

Noonoomummy yes unfortunately that's so true.

I had similar with ex, except in court he CLAIMED to want more time with dd and contact to be regulated etc

I actually goaded him into court BECAUSE he kept cancelling/turning up many hours late/bringing her back early/turning up drunk! (In the car! - like hell was I letting him drive her drunk!)

In hindsight I wish I hadn't bothered, it would have been better if I'd just let him do what he was doing which was not so gradually withdrawing from dd.

If I'd done so at that time dd would have been young enough to forget him, instead I merely delayed the inevitable and he eventually completely withdrew from her life at the worst possible time (early teens) which was utterly heartbreaking and incredibly problematic for dd and I.

Op if your ex isn't interested in maintaining a proper relationship with his child I wouldn't force the issue, do what's best for your child, inc withholding contact if that's in the best interest of the child but balance that with whether that will provoke him to push for contact he doesn't really want.

He sounds a lot like my ex - wants it all on his terms regardless of child's needs and emotional welfare.

It's wrong that these men don't give a shit about their kids.

My ex in last year or so is now apparently regretting his lack of effort - dd isn't particularly interested in a relationship now and I can't say I blame her. Especially as it's STILL all about what he wants - there's a strong element of embarrassment/shame as it's at least partly due to people he's friendly with now having discovered fairly recently that he has another child from a previous relationship and are I think commenting on their surprise and "why doesn't she visit?"

He's already let her down yet again as he managed to get her to agree to visit - so she could see her grandparents, cousins and half-siblings - then when she tried to pin him down to a specific date he flaked!

Arsehole!

And of course yet again I was the one picking up the emotional pieces (and her boyfriend at the time, he was shocked at how it all went down. He's also got divorced parents but his dad is very involved and wouldn't dream of treating him like this)

It's a shitty way to treat your child.

Yes @Graphista. I wish I'd never bothered now. (I applied for the original order which ex then reduced).

And, yes, my ex claimed that he wished he could spend more time with her... but somehow couldn't manage to commit to anything frequent and never seems to have any spare time other than for minimal contact. My DD is only 6 so has years of this disinterest to endure. It's shocking.

@Graphista awful man does sound like my ex unfortunately. It breaks my heart the way he can pretend to everyone around him that he loves her so much and wants to spend time with her and do what's best.
It comes down to it and it's the opposite.

OP, what would you like to happen? Make sure you have it clear before you go to court.
Please do not forget either that he can choose not to see her at all, so it is important to find a middle ground.

It is shocking.

My ex would start with "of course I want to see Dd as much as possible"

But then whatever was being suggested he'd have excuses.

We ended up in court half a dozen times and eventually the last time was a more formal set up and happened to be with the judge who sat for the first hearing and who thankfully took the time to thoroughly read all that had happened in between - and even registered ex had gone through 3 lawyers in that time!

He basically gave ex a right bollocking! Told him to step up or he'd be recommending removal of parental rights on the basis of emotional abuse (very rare. It wasn't just the messing with contact, it was bad mouthing me loads to dd etc).

He also said he'd be flagging our case to ensure it stayed with him to oversee.

Ex didn't take me back to court again.

But as the law stands I couldn't take him to court for NOT seeing dd.

And of course he blames me! Mainly as I moved home when dd was older as we had no real support network living where he did at that time (not his home area just where we living when we split - ex army) but I couldn't afford to do that first few years anyway, plus I was trying to make things easier for dd staying near her dad but at the time we moved he was being crap on contact again even worse than before. And even though I moved away I bent over backwards to facilitate ex seeing dd every half term and school holiday and even bank holiday weekends where possible, inc paying for and doing the vast majority of the travelling which I could ill afford.

Things came to a head just after dd started high school when he messed up again and I simply couldn't afford that time to cover for him and so dd came to realise all I'd been doing.

She quite reasonably asked that I stop, partly as she knew I couldn't afford it but mainly because she wanted to know if he would make the effort - he didn't, even phone calls etc dried up! And by this point he no longer had the excuse of not wanting to deal with me as Dd had her own phone (an old one of mine only used for staying in touch with that side of family) and email address.

So it was clear he just couldn't be arsed!

But I'm sure the way he tells it to those in his life now that don't know me I'm the crazy evil ex that turned his kid against him!

Even his own family don't buy that!

I’m sure you cannot force him to see her more than he wants. I would also say that you also need to consider that she and her dad need time to bond, if you fill the little time she is with her dad with activities, she is not getting as much time with her dad, and contact can become frustrating or even pointless for them. So try to respect her dad’s time a bit, because if he turns his back on her, there is nothing you can do.

My ex sees his two dd about 5 hours a week max. He was signed off work for 4 weeks in the summer and he is up to about 6 weeks signed off now and I reckon he has seen them the grand total of about 10 hours extra in all that time!

And then he moans that he doesn't have enough time with them - drives me mad.

I get what you're all saying about him stopping seeing her all together. And if he wants to do that then fine. It's just the way he does the bare minimum with her but pretends to everyone else he's amazing.
She deserves better from him.

Sounds like I'm not alone dealing with this type of father thanks for sharing your experiences makes me feel a bit better

if he wants to do that then fine.

It is not that simple letting go of a dad you knew. My son was put through a lot of abuse before contact stopped, but although he doesn’t want to see his dad, knowing that his dad doesn’t care/doesn’t want to see him has been very painful for him, especially now that he is older.

Just to illustrate how bad it can get, how would you feel if your child come home from school crying because a mean child told her she is so horrible not even her dad wants to see her? It does happen, and in these times of divorced parents and blended families it is very difficult for a child to see that he is the only one who has not contact with his dad among all other children of divorced parents.

Protect their contact time, if not for him, for your DD.

@IdiotInDisguise you're right about the heartbreaking effects on the child but it's very rarely possible for the mums in these situations to get the dads to behave better. Often even a judge/court their own family telling them to do better has no effect.