Feel so trapped

[user765]

Split from my ex two years ago. He was psychologically, emotionally and financially abusive, and began to be physically abusive, which is when I finally ended it for good. He is the father of my two children (6 and 3 yrs). He has had massive issues with cocaine (inc conviction), his own (self admitted) mental health issues, so the children now see him under supervised contact in a contact centre an hour and half drive away. This has been the case for the last 12 months and his behaviour is not really changing, so this is likely to be the case for some time. The kids see their dad every two weeks, and I order to spend time with their dad, I have to drive them there, drop them off and go and pay to park somewhere for two hours (too far away to meet friends or go home) then pick them up and drive home. So basically the day gone.

I feel so trapped. I am working and looking after the kids on my own. I have my parents and also grandparent on ex’s side who help out but for my work days. I never have any money because my ex pays no maintence (I have gone through CMS but he will not pay them, he has been served liability order). So at the moment it is a struggle because it’s christmas and because I owe a large amount of money (thousands) to my previous solicitor applying for a child arrangements order to protect myself and the children from an aggressive cocaine using man (but not to stop them seeing him by the way, just to order that they live with me, since he was previously taking the children and not looking after them properly, I.e bringing them home late at night having had no dinner and our then 2 yr old in no nappy (sitting in his own poo and wee). My ex used to be a solicitor (now struck off for fraud related offences) so knows how the system works and purposefully escalated my costs. He virtually admitted this with a smile on his face.

So basically, I have no time to myself. I have a decent profession but cannot work any more days than I do because child care and workload would be unmanageable. I have missed so many social events because I have to take the kids to see their dad. Any time I have asked to change the sessions, I get a letter from his solicitor accusing me of parental alienation. The kids miss their friends birthday parties and other events to see their dad.

I have tried to have new relationships but these fail because I have can’t just spend a night away from home whenever I feel like it. Plus new guys start asking questions about my ex and why the children don’t stay with him at weekends like most children of separated couples do. The first guy I dated, 10’months after our split, my ex found out his name, where he lived and where he worked and told me he was going to ‘speak to him’.

I long for my own life. I feel so guilty because I live my children more than anything in the world but I feel I am reduced to a cook/cleaner/laundry person and by evening I am so exhausted I cannot get my work done.

My ex has spread vile things about me around our town through his mates, and subsequently other parents at school, so dropping my kids off at school makes me feel sick. I feel I can’t take them into our town or the local park. Our daughter has lost friends at school because people don’t want to be associated with us (he has been in the tabloid news). We still jointly own the house that I live in with the children, although I was always responsible for the mortgage and always paid for everything and own all the contents outright. I can’t negotiate a buy out because I now don’t earn enough. I worked full time when I got the mortgage and now only part time. I can’t work full time because I’m on my own with the kids. We have tried to negotiate 3 times and each time I pay for the legal work and he changes his mind and backs out. I think he knows his name on the deeds gives him control over me and my life.

I want to move away and start a new life somewhere else but I need to be close by my family as I rely on them so much, but the area we all live is unaffordable. So I’m stuck. I wasted so many of my years with an abusive man. I finally managed to get free yet am still utterly trapped.

Sorry for the essay. I would really appreciate any advice of what I can do.

Hi, I'm not sure I can help but didn't want to leave your post unanswered.

My situation is similar in that my ExH was emotionally abusive and has serious mental health issues meaning that he also only has supervised contact about once a month which I have to facilitate so I am also stuck with the DC and have no family nearby so have to rely on paid childcare to work/do anything.

It's nowhere near as bad as your situation though as I don't have the additional issues you mention.

A few things stand out for me from your post. Firstly that you're still v much tied to him financially. Were you married? If so have you divorced yet? If so what did the financial order say? Surely that would have dealt with the house split. If you're just separated then you need to file for divorce so you can get the financial situation sorted. It may be that a 'Mesher' order (where it is agreed you live in the house until your youngest is 18 and then it's sold, proceeds are split) would work or it may be that there is an order for it to be sold now.

Secondly it's only been 2 years since you separated and only relatively stable from what you've said for 12months, that is relatively short in the scheme of things. With my exh it was only after c3 years that he seemed to 'give up' seeking so much control over me and these days doesn't seem to care as much so is more willing to be sensible (ish!).

Thirdly that (like me) you don't really ever get a break. I don't know what to say on that because I find it v hard as well. It will get a bit easier when your youngest DC is at school as there will be more childcare options and as they get older it will get a bit easier. I can still count on one hand the number of social events I've been to in the last 12 months which haven't included the DC but with them both at school I can fit my hours around them better and have found time to take up an exercise regime (of sorts!) which does help with clearing your head/feeling better about yourself.

It's obviously a v hard time for you but what is the one most important thing to you that you want to change?

Thanks laburnumtree, it gives me hope that your ex gave up after three years. Maybe another year to go then! He actually has a long term partner now and they live together, yet he is still so obsessed with me. I dread to think all the lies he has told her about me, as no woman would go near him if they knew the truth. We were never married, only engaged, so there is no financial arrangement, other than him making demands for £59,000 from me! He has threatened to ‘force the sale’ of the house, which I’m pretty sure the court won’t allow as it is the home of our children. InJune this year he tried to evict me and occupy the house himself (and told him mum he wanted to ‘make me homeless’). In order to do this he wrote and signed a statement saying that he was a victim of domestic abuse and that I had regularly attacked him with knives ‘and other objects’!! The court kind of dismissed this and he later basically admitted he was lying, but as a result I was ordered to write a witness statement and summaried the main issues, obviously that he was the perpetrator. At the next hearing the judge and Cafcass said that it was shocking reading and that he was a dangerous man. So his lies have made it worse for him.

What I most want to change is that I want to be free from this man. He has sent me messages (before he was blocked) saying he ‘plans to ruin my future for the long term’. He threatened to kill me in front of our daughter. Because of the police involvement they said they would charge him with coercive control so power of arrest could be attached to the court order (just so that he wound stop!) but then they said he didn’t meet the threshold for coercive control. I know that they are wrong because he most certainly does meet the threshold but going back and complaining just drags it on, and allows him to continue to dominate my life. It’s like every time I feel like I am progressing with my life, he throws another shit bomb at me, with the deliberate attempt to ruin my life! The court made him see a forensic psychologist, who reported that he is obsessed with me and expresses highly negative emotions towards me, and also a high level of aggression, yet is low risk!

I just want a normal life. My parents are normal, moral, loving people, and so is my family, and my ex’s family (apart from his dad). I got all A*s at GCSE, three As at A level, a good degree from a good university and am studying a postgraduate degree now part time. All I did was look after my ex, cook for him, clean, do his laundry, pay his bills, and put up with his lies, cheating, drug abuse, alcohol abuse and being insulted and abused and treated for shit like years. And because I decided I no longer wanted that for myself and our children, he has unleashed this grand plan of revenge on me. I don’t know what I have done to deserve this.

Hi,

Didn't want to read and run. I don't have many answers. I've been through very similar and the 3 year mark felt like a turning point in my situation too - he finally realised that I'd survived and was continuing with my life despite his best efforts. He's still an unreasonable arsehole about most things - he's just no longer going out of his way to cause additional trouble for me anymore.

All I can say is: Hang on in there, it does get easier, keep plugging away at everything that you need to sort, you CAN get some of these things fixed. Here are some suggestions - I'm sure you've already thought of most of these...

• seek free legal advice wherever you can: Refuge/Women's Aid's Legal helpline is wonderful when you manage to get through to them- keep phoning til you do; other free legal advice is available from solicitors who'll give you a free initial consultation and advise about potential next steps; free representation might also be available - your Citizen's Advice Bureau will have details of local firms that might offer it. And, if you do go back to court, try to find free, reliable, skilled representation - I wish I'd done this because my arsehole ex told so many lies for no good reason other than to make things messy and exhaust everyone to deflect from his failure to commit to contact.
• Use childcare - after school clubs, parents of children's friends, your family... don't feel bad about using childcare to give yourself a break even if you just use the time to sleep/ stare at the wall for a couple of hours - small children are exhausting and time-out for you does help. It might be a hassle to organise and might cost you money but some of the cost might recoverable/ reduced through Universal Credit/ tax-free childcare vouchers but you need it.
• remember that your children will eventually start sleeping better, be able to get themselves dressed, brush their own teeth, have fun at after-school clubs and you will become less exhausted and working gets easier.
• don't expect CAFCASS or any authority to help you with the unfairness and ongoing difficulties caused by emotionally abusive, controlling exes - apparently, despite statutory obligations for them to take such factors into account, they totally ignore them, fail to explore how best to deal with such factors and may even believe the lies of your abusive ex without requiring any evidence. Unhelpful to say the least...

Urgh. This is making me feel depressed, just thinking about how hard so much of this is. And still is in my situation. But focus on being happy - at least you're no longer with the prick and you do have the skills to make your life even better.