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Lone parents

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Original poster

Ex didn’t send DD a present

24 replies

catspyjamas123 · 05/12/2019 07:41

My ex didn’t send DD a card or present for her birthday. She had so much from her friends on the day and we agreed it was best not to dwell on him snubbing her because he obviously did it to hurt her.

She said it didn’t matter. But now a month later she says she is no longer looking forward to Christmas. He could easily afford to be very generous - he received a large settlement from me. This cruelty has really harmed her - it was obviously going to hurt and was highly manipulative.

He has no contact with her - her choice. He was emotionally abusive.

OP posts:

MsRomanoff · 05/12/2019 07:43

Is he her father?

Is the split recent?

Noteventhebestdrummer · 05/12/2019 07:48

If it bothers her then maybe she should choose to have contact? Just email or text?

Original poster

catspyjamas123 · 05/12/2019 07:49

Yes he’s her father. The divorce was finalised this summer so quite recent. She is 16. It’s complicated in that she was his “little girl” when younger but she called him out on behaviour which caused the divorce - rightly so. I suppose it’s the thought that counts and in this case his thought was to not bother with her.

OP posts:

Original poster

catspyjamas123 · 05/12/2019 07:51

She also says it doesn’t matter but I think it hurt much more than she let on. I don’t understand his thinking. If I was in his situation I would have made some effort to make things up with her and see her. He has barely tried.

OP posts:

Hwory · 05/12/2019 07:52

Why would she want a present from her abusive father (presuming your ex is her dad) that she has chosen to no longer have in her life?

It is a sad situation but a consequence of going no contact with someone (however needed/valid) is that they could also choose to go no contact with you.

Original poster

catspyjamas123 · 05/12/2019 07:55

It’s conflicted. In a way his present might have upset her but I also think it hurts her to hear nothing. Not straightforward at all.

OP posts:

Troels · 05/12/2019 08:05

Why would she want a present from an abusive man who is trying his best to hurt and punish her for standing up to him.
She should be proud she can stand up to a man and not allow him to abuse her. She's stronger than she thinks she just needs a reminder every now and then.

Original poster

catspyjamas123 · 05/12/2019 08:13

You are right but I also think it has hurt her more than she let on. I think it is a way of him controlling her. He could have sent something and she could have tut-tutted about receiving it but I think she would rather know he had at least thought of her than her getting nothing.

Her mood has been low recently and I’m trying to fathom the cause.

OP posts:

PotteringAlong · 05/12/2019 08:17

She can’t have it both ways! At the age of 16 she has chosen to cut contact with her father. And so she cannot moan when he respects her wishes and doesn’t contact her...

Original poster

catspyjamas123 · 05/12/2019 08:19

She’s not moaning but I think it has got to her. From my own point of view it just confirms him as the shit he is but I don’t understand it. Unless I was fighting for life in a hospital bed I would never, ever forget my kids’ birthday or ever cut contact. But then I am a mum.

OP posts:

PotteringAlong · 05/12/2019 08:23

But you said that it was her choice? So he hasn’t cut contact, she has. And from the little you’ve said it looks like he’s respecting that.

MrsAJ27 · 05/12/2019 08:51

Your DD has cut contact with her dad, so not sure why she would expect a present.

Clangus00 · 05/12/2019 09:12

Agree with @PotteringAlong

MsRomanoff · 05/12/2019 09:27

I am NC with birth my parents. Controlling would be telling her he has a present but that she has to see him to get it.

I get that card off my parents every year.

He is a shit, clearly. But in this situation he cant win. Send a present and it would upset her and she wouldnt want it. Dont send a present and he doesnt care.

Birthdays and christmas when you are NC with family are difficult whatever everyone does.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 05/12/2019 09:31

Of course, she's conflicted. She's 16, he's been an arse, she bravely called him on it (many adults would not have had the guts to do this), but he's her Dad and rejections still hurts - she wanted to be in a position to call the shots and he took this away from her. This is realpolitik of abusive men, but at 16 I'd not expect her to know this or be emotionally ready for it.

VioletCharlotte · 05/12/2019 09:39

@catspyjamas123 I understand exactly how you feel. My ex has done this on many occasions to my two. The worst time was last year when DS2 turned 18. He didn't even bother to call him. What makes it worse is that he's very sporadic, one year he'll make a big effort with one DC and forget the other one. They're very good about it, but it just hurt them so much inside.

PurrBox · 05/12/2019 09:50

Of course she is hurt, and how could she not be hurt? She chose to stop contact with him, but that doesn't mean she doesn't care!

I am just writing because I disagree with the PPs who said: "it's her choice, and he is respecting that". That applies to relationships between adults. Parents of people who are still children should always be saying, in words and deeds: "I am here if and when you want me. I still care and think about you."

ExH is continuing to be emotionally abusive, which I guess is not a surprise, but certainly upsetting.

Original poster

catspyjamas123 · 05/12/2019 10:27

Thank you to the people who understand. She may be 16 but she is still a minor not a fully-fledged adult - and even for an adult it would hurt. I felt on the day that he was very much “not missed” but since then something has been troubling her and I’m trying to figure it out.

What both my children have lost (DS is a bit older) is a reliable father figure they can trust or maybe fall back on in a crisis. Obviously he was never that but it is something most people need.

Yes, I agree it should be for the adult to keep trying. The fact he isn’t just confirms how right she was to blow the whistle.

OP posts:

PumpkinP · 05/12/2019 14:17

I have 4 children with ex 3 of their birthdays are in one month, the same month as exes birthday and he didn’t wish a single one of them happy birthday or the 4th one who is 2 months later. No happy birthday let alone a present. Yet apparently I was unreasonable for thinking it was wrong when I posted on here as he “chose to go NC so what do you expect!” But I don’t understand what person wouldn’t wish their own child(REN) happy birthday, makes me sick but apparently we are the unreasonable ones!!

Original poster

catspyjamas123 · 05/12/2019 14:51

Yes, even if you are not in contact how can you ever forget you have kids!

OP posts:

PumpkinP · 05/12/2019 15:11

I know, it’s disgusting! My dad wasn’t around growing up but he always sent a birthday and Xmas card without fail every year so atleast I knew he was thinking about me even if he didn’t see me. Shame some men just pretend their kids don’t exist!

Lonecatwithkitten · 05/12/2019 18:28

My DD was a bit younger when she stood up to her Dad regarding his behaviour and a similar,as scenario developed over presents, she was prepared to meet him in a coffee shop for an hour for contact. He however, was not going to be dictated to about how he would see his daughter. Then he with held Christmas and birthday presents as she wouldn't see him.
She now sees her Dad for his true colours everything is on his terms, has strings attached and when he doesn't get his own way he strops.
Harsh to realise that your Dad is selfish, but She knows that I always put her first and am there for her.

Starlight456 · 07/12/2019 23:24

I think this is one of those no win situations.

If he sent her something it opens it all up again if he doesn’t he has ignored her.

The damage clearly sounds done much earlier.

She will start to heal but think this birthday would of been tough

Ringsender2 · 07/12/2019 23:29

@YetAnotherSpartacus - exactly
OP hope your DD (and DS) can work it out

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