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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Contact for 13 month old DD

17 replies

Whenisitenough2 · 01/12/2019 11:44

Hi All,

Just looking for advice. We live 45 miles away from DDs dad, so a 90 min journey, she is still breastfed. What would you suggest contact to look like? So far it has been whenever her dad wants to see her but often this is me chasing him and more often than not if I'm not willing to stay with them he'll just not see her. I'm now at a point where I want to say these are your days and then it's up to him what he does and also not staying with them.

Realistically speaking he probably couldn't do weekdays as he works in the city. But I was thinking an evening during the week and a full day Saturday then on the Sunday. Building up to overnights at 18 months ? Before I potentially get flamed her dad hasn't had much contact with her, once a week with me present most of the time so just looking at building things slowly for dd. That is if exp is even interested.

What do you think?

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cakeandchampagne · 01/12/2019 11:52

He has expressed little interest, made little effort, and spent very little time with her.
Spending more time with him isn’t in her best interests.

carly2803 · 01/12/2019 15:04

what do i think?

i think i would stop chasing him! Let him ask you when he wants to see her, trust me it will fizzle out

I dont get why women force their x's to see children they don't want to see. yes the children have a right to see their dads, but why fuck them up by pushing contact because this backfires more.

Original poster

Whenisitenough2 · 01/12/2019 16:16

I don't plan on forcing contact, just about saying here are your days and the rest is up to him. If he then isn't consistent I would probably stop that.

OP posts:

FatherB · 01/12/2019 16:44

So i'm further away from dd then that, and our agreement has 8 hour day visits fortnightly building up to overnights on dd's 3rd birthday. This is through family court, and the reason is basically distance. If I lived locally I would likely have less time in chunks but more days, with time increasing as dd gets older. Overnights just sort of end up being chunks anyway. When I relocate closer, this is likely to change the agreement, so keep in mind that you need to be flexible where possible. If circumstances change, third parties will generally expect you to adapt in good faith. (if your ex is unhappy with time offered, explain that if his circumstances change you have no issue with offering days in the week or whatever equivalent so he gets more time)

So realistically I don't think you would be unreasonable to say every other Saturday for the day, however many hours you agree is reasonable and fair. Potentially starting lower and building up.

If he's able to manage it then an evening during the week too, or if you're ok with it a big day every other saturday alternating with a shorter visit the other saturday (if he can only do weekends) but keep in mind courts wouldn't usually arrange that because it would mean you wouldn't ever have a full weekend for the two of you. So don't feel forced to do that.

If it seems like he won't keep up contact then unfortunately your only course of action is to let him fizzle out on his own. If you stop it, you're always going to be the bad guy, in the courts eyes and in dc's eye later on when their dad says he wanted to see them but you wouldn't let them. Don't give him the excuse. You never know, he might surprise you.

Hope that helps and wish you good luck with it!

amiapropermum · 01/12/2019 17:21

I would leave it to him to suggest building it up. It sounds like you are the driver behind increasing it so see if he suggests it or not

kitk · 01/12/2019 17:25

Don't chase him. Let him make the effort. What you've suggesred is reasonable given DDs age but let him ask for it

Jodie77 · 01/12/2019 17:26

I would have a conversation with him about how he wants contact to go moving forwards. If you can't come to any kind of agreement I would look at mediation. It doesn't have to be court ordered, but having a plan in place would be good. I think building up to EOW gradually or one day every weekend (eg. A day with Dad every Saturday) would be in child's best interest and that he should be doing 50% of the driving minimum.

Is he paying maintenance?

Jodie77 · 01/12/2019 17:29

I would add, I think having a mostly absent disinterested Dad is not usually in the child's best interests. I don't think contact is always for the best if the other parent is going to gradually back away and mess around with arrangements. That doesn't mean contact needs to be loads to be beneficial, but it does need to be consistent.

Tvstar · 01/12/2019 17:33

Who moved away, you or him?

Original poster

Whenisitenough2 · 01/12/2019 18:07

@Jodie77, he barely pays maintenance. And I agree, consistency is best that's where stopping all contact comes from. Don't want DD growing up unsure of when she'll see her dad.

@FatherB I live in hope that one day he'll step up and be an amazing dad to our DD. Likewise if he moved closer and wanted to change the arrangement I'd be fine with that too, can't see it happening but still. May I ask how far you live from your DD.?

@Tvstar, we had two homes, one where we are now and the other where exp is. He has now sold the property in the town we are currently in so you could say we both did. Only difference is DD has spent most her life here.

OP posts:

FatherB · 01/12/2019 19:32

I live 3 hours away by train. She's in Manchester and i'm in London. I think usually within an hour is ideal for maximum contact, 90 minutes means it makes more sense (imo) to have less frequent but more substantial contact. It does depend on how much your ex can do though.

There are a lot of studies showing the benefits of having both parents in a childs life. So it's easy to listen to advise from people who have seen the bad side, but take it with a grain of salt. Don't force anything, or work yourself up over it but don't actively hinder it either. The rest is up to him.

My suggestion on how to handle things would be to tell him (not ask, or suggest) that things aren't working as they are. You want him to be involved in her life, and for her to have some consistency. So you want to set up a fair schedule where he has her at the same time for the same length every week or fortnight, where possible. Then ask him if he has any suggestions and basically let him suggest something to you, and make it clear that it will just be the two of them.

After that he either agrees or he doesn't. If he goes to court, then they'll just end up putting an agreement in place which is all you suggested in the first place. At the end of it, at least you did your best!

Best of luck, I hope it all works out!

Starlight456 · 01/12/2019 23:16

I would ask him what he thinks for now . I wouldn’t worry about how it progresses at this stage as he may not make regular contact.

Is he actually interested in dc? I ask as my ex only wanted contact to see me had no bond at all with Ds

Original poster

Whenisitenough2 · 01/12/2019 23:29

Thank you @FatherB.

@starlight456, he doesn't really seem to have a bond with DD. Doesn't really speak to her etc but I don't know if it's a lack of interest or just feels awkward. But at times it does feel like he uses that time to see me. For instance, yesterday I was seeing a friend but text him to say would you like to see DD, I'll be out but you're more than welcome to see her, he said word for word 'nah, maybe Sunday if you're both free'. Ive then said today id ideally want to rest but again he is free to come down and take DD out, he said he'll leave it until next weekend.

OP posts:

Starlight456 · 02/12/2019 06:39

Why does he barely pay maintenance? He legally should be paying the minimum . If he doesn’t go to the cms.

I would swap some things around. Tell him he can have contact on ..... days but he needs to let you know first. When he comes plink him in the living room , tell him nappies are there ( he should know ) tell him she will need changing at ... unless she poi’s. If it’s lunch time I would make it up but say give it her at ...

Then leave the room . Get on with the other stuff you need to do .

I would also stop chasing . Sometimes I think we make it too easy . Leave him to contact you. I found with my ex once I stopped chasing I found it easier to cope with . Saying nah I’ll not bother hurts . My decision was if he wasn’t going to bother better earlier than later.

Original poster

Whenisitenough2 · 02/12/2019 12:03

@Starlight456 he takes off money from the maintenance for petrol and for whatever activities he does with DD. I've worked out he gives about a third of what he should. I've applied to cms as he doesn't even buy her clothes, car seat etc

OP posts:

Original poster

Whenisitenough2 · 06/12/2019 22:24

Well DDs dad is coming down tomorrow although I'm sure to try and guilt trip me into taking him back. Least DD gets to see her dad

OP posts:

Starlight456 · 07/12/2019 07:43

Just tell him that is not up for discussion.

Cut the conversation dead . It’s the easiest way

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