I'm so tired of doing it on my own and all these years on I have nothing to show for myself.

[failedatlifebutstillnice]

I don't want to sound ungrateful or like a victim but I feel like my life is just the worst it could possibly be.
Forgive the long post but here goes, my parents left me and moved overseas when I was 14, I remained in the family home had £10 a week allocated to me which was given to me by my eldest sister weekly (she hated me and still does). In my parents absence, a member of my fathers family would come to the house and abuse me but I never told my parents. I told my sister but she didn't show much care, intact she was emotionless and cold. I think her reaction scarred me a little. Anyway, I scraped through school, clearly had emotional issues and dyslexia but no support. When I finished school I applied for college but couldn't afford the journey, my parents refused to pay for my journey still being overseas I struggled to get a job. I became involved with a religious group of people-obviously looking for a family of some kind. Anyway, met a guy who was 19 and we married. I was still 16 at the time. My parents returned for the wedding but were angry with me. By this point, their opinion didn't matter to me considering they had dumped me. Anyway, I had 5 children with him, an extremely abusive and controlling marriage to me and my kids. He didn't work, I did but hustled every way I could. I didn't get an education either. That was something impossible. When I was pregnant with my 5th child my ex husband told me he had met someone and left. We became homeless as he sold the house under my feet and literally gave my 5 minute notice to leave with my kids. That was 14 years ago and since then we have never seen or heard from him neither has he ever contributed to my children. My youngest has various special educational needs and I have been his carer all his life which has been very hard. A lot of hospital stays in his younger years and issues at school etc. Now he's 14 and my eldest 2 in their 20's and moved out, it's now just me and my 18,16 and 14 year old children at home. I'm now approaching 41 and have no education, no career and no job and no partner which doesn't bother me so much but I literally hate my life. I feel like a total failure. I want to go to university but have no idea what to study. I'm so tired of being in this rut I have no idea what to do with myself. I live in social housing which I'm grateful for, I have no formal education, my job prospects are zero and my heart is broken for myself. My kids are all older and I feel like I've given my best years to them (no regret) but being the sole carer for them all and my autistic son I've lost myself in them and now I have nothing for me. They're all moving out one by one and I'm left here having with nothing to look forward to. I'm not suggesting they shouldn't leave or they owe me they don't, but I have no idea what to do with myself. My family aren't supportive towards me at all. They constantly remind me of my bad decisions I,e, marrying young, having kids etc. I wasn't allowed to use any birth control or have an abortion. We were religious and as a woman it was considered virtually blasphemy.
I don't recognise that young girl, her weakness and obedience to her husband. I'm not that person but he was all I had. I managed to get my divorce eventually. Even though he left he didn't want to divorce me. It took me 4 years to get my divorce and I got nothing except debts and sole responsibility for my children. Building a life for us all has been the hardest most loneliest thing I've ever embarked on. Worse than the sexual abuse when I was younger.
I truly am at loss with my life. I don't know what to do I sometimes think it's best to end it which I won't do but my head is a mess and I need to do something now as time ticks on and here I am no different from 10 years ago. No progression no life satisfaction just plodding along feeling good common as muck and worthless.
Please give me some advise or similar stories with a successful ending. Thank you x

Im so sorry noone has, responded. I hope youre ok. I dont have advice really, but i wanted you have overcome a huge ampunt ans have raised 5 children!! Im struggling massively with 2. Youve been let down at every turn but kept going. Thats phenomenal. Formal education isnt the answer to everything but as your kids arw now older, can you look at some OU courses.. You could do a variety of modules to get an idea of your interests. Just take it one day at a time and look at what you have overcome x

What an incredibly hard life you’ve had, stillnice. I hope that you can now take the long-overdue chance to focus on yourself and what you want, find out what might be possible for you now. Please do consider though that you are being very hard on yourself... to have survived all that neglect and trauma, and to have brought up five children, including SN, is a massive achievement. To have fought for your divorce and rejected all the manipulation and control you were subjected to shows great resilience.

I just came across this recently which may be useful, they have an online course coming up:
www.religioustraumainstitute.com/

I saw that organisation as I was reading this article by one of its founders:
www.yahoo.com/lifestyle/know-sharing-inspirational-trauma-meme-215203148.html

Have you ever had any therapy or spoken to your GP about any of this?

I will try to find out the best place to get advice about access courses.

These free courses might be a good place to start... www.open.edu/openlearn/education/free-courses

Thank you for your kind responses,
It's not an easy post to respond to. Writing it was therapeutic in a strange way :)
I have done courses but I find they don't hold much weight in the real world.
I have just bitten the bullet yesterday and starting a ucas application for university.
It'll be difficult to start but I'm determined to get my life together for myself.
I haven't had any therapy. I know I should. I know I suffer from PTSD. I have dreamed about my ex husband abusing myself and the kids a lot, it's all just coming it in dreams etc. To be honest, I've spent most of the time focused on my eldest two having therapy as they remember a lot of the abuse they and I suffered. The younger three don't really remember their dad which is a blessing really.
I am taking each day as it comes and hopefully in time I'll get to a place I can call mine, a place I own and have decided it's what I want and where I want to be.
Thank you xxxx

@AuntyElle thank you so much for those links. I will absolutely get in touch with the religious trauma institute. Sounds like exactly what I need! Thank you ❤️

Your resilience is amazing, OP!
NHS waiting lists are obviously long, but it could be worth starting the process with you GP. Good luck with your UCAS

OP, there's no way you've failed at life, you have done an incredible job bringing up 5 children, and if they have the wherewithal to move out, they must be doing ok! That's all down to you OP.

There are lots of women who haven't worked for many years after bringing up a family, you are unaware of the many skills you acquired raising your children/running a home. These skills are transferable into the workplace.

Sit down and write all the things you've accomplished with your children over the years, believe me, you are the captain of the ship, and you have great management skills for starters.

A friend of mine started working after finishing work at 20 to have a family, she's now in her forties and working at an upmarket supermarket, with lots of opportunities.

Please don't give up, and please don't think you have failed. You are so worthy of the life you want, and so very deserving

You are amazing! You have survived a terrible upbringing, have weathered the storm with your children who I'm sure love you deeply and would never think you a failure!! And now uni that's a brave step and I applaud you 🥰 it's something Iv always wanted to do but have never had the guts. Now it's your time to shine! You have so much life left to live and so many opportunities to grab, go for it! 🥰

You are so strong. You have much more achieved than people I know with university degrees.

I understand how you feel a little bit lost with your kids being a bit more independent, it's probably the first moment in 20 years that you had a chance to think 'what now' . Please trust that this moment might be the point where everything turns better.

Please write down your story. Write it all down, and maybe you decide that no one but you should be allowed to ever read it or you might decide to find a publisher for it. Your story can be your a career.

You are all so very kind to me thank you. I realise I have achieved many transferable skills etc but the reality is to most paces of employment they mean nothing if it's the experience in the work place.
I feel like this is my time to shine but god damn there's a it of pushing to do!
I am going to push forward no matter what and I have made contact with a Therapist who is going to help me recover from my past trauma, abuse and abandonment. It's important to me that my children see me as a role model both as a mother and as a hard grafter rather than the hustler I've been for many years.
Women have it so hard, it's so easy to become a man hater when most of the abuse we receive is at the hands of men. How a father can just leave his children and never turn back is beyond me but than that leaves me to over compensate and feel riddled with guilt for choosing such an awful man as their father.
I'm older and that much wiser which although daunting also wonderful.
I truly appreciate the encouragement and love you have all shown me and I hope one day I am able to help someone in a similar position as myself. I hope I can look back and say, that was me so and so years ago and I got through and so can you.
Tough times but I'll continue to soldier through it.
Thank you 😊 ❤️

You’re an inspiration, stillnice

Just read your thread. You are amazing. I hope you find a great therapist who can help you live a life you want