First time single mum

[blujohnstons]

Hi all, looking some advice

I am pregnant and my partner has left me at the start of my pregnancy. I have really struggled emotionally as we were together for 7 years and we were trying for a baby. He hasn't supported me all all throughout the pregnancy, says he doesn't care about me only cares about the baby but the baby isn't here yet.

He says he doesn't want any communication with me, he hates me, doesn't want to be around d me, doesn't want to be at the labour but wants to visit the baby on hospital when he is born. He also says he won't be helping me when he is born I'm on my own and that he will be taking the baby to his house a few days a week.

I am so anxious as I don't want my baby leaving me but also feel at the same time he has to take responsibility as share partnering whether that's with me there or not. Has anybody been in a similar situation, how long would you leave it after the baby is born to let the father take him.

I really hoped for a different outcome to be friends, and be the bigger person even though he is the one who cheated and left me but I for the babies sake it deserves more

He can't just take a newborn baby away from its mother. Are you planning to breastfeed?? I think (but I am not a lawyer) that recommended newborn visits are short but regular, eg 1 hour 3 times a week with both parents there but the Dad being the primary 'interacter' during that time, building up to being able to take for half a day. Can you visit a solicitor? It will give you piece of mind. Don't agree with his demands, find out what's reasonable and offer it. If he rejects it, he can take you to court.

I'm really sorry you are going through this OP . I think it is advised that the child doesn't have overnight stays before 12 weeks and if the mother is exclusively breastfeeding that it is better to wait until a minimum of 6 months. just to note, you can also call the gingerbread helpline (0808 802 0925) to ask about child maintenance etc x

I have told him he is definitely not having him overnight and if he wants to see him he can see him supervised in my house. He has developed so much anger towards me from nowhere that he isn't thinking this through. He says it won't be overnight but a few hours a day but the very thought of it makes me sick.

I won't let him make demands to me and I will do what I think is best but I honestly can't see how I will let the baby leave me even if it is for a few hours or am I overreacting as it's will be only be a few hours at a time and he will be with his father

@MonaChopsis thanks for the advice, one hour a week 3 times a week at the start seems more than reasonable to me but I was unsure what amount of time is best. I would have absolutely no issue with him coming to see the baby whenever he likes and would really appreciate the help however the issue lies with him not me. He is choosing to make things difficult

@sleepismysuperpower1 thanks so much for the advice x

also, some people find it useful to fill out a parenting plan document like this, which they then show to the other parent who can edit it, and once you are both happy with it, you can sign it. it lays out basic things so they are clear, such as what day dc spends with their dad and which with you, who takes them to the doctors etc. you could write it so that it only applies from a certain age (eg from 3 yo) and do a separate one for when they are a baby and so are dependent on you if you breast feed etc.

I would strongly suggest to stop any interactions with him at this time. It is only stressing you out and there’s absolutely NOTHING that can be decided at this time, baby is not here yet. Do not agree to absolutely anything at this stage, just tell him you would talk about it when you are ready.

The important thing is to use the time before baby arrives preparing for what is to come, for example, ensuring you have all the help and support you need in place before baby’s arrival.

Do you have a safe place to stay where he cannot disturb you? You do not even have to agree to him visiting the baby at your house if you find that upsetting, there will be time to decide how and when contact takes place once the baby is here and you both are familiar with the most important factor: what the baby needs

OP I'd strongly recommend some legal advice to put your mind at rest. He won't get prolonged access with a newborn to though you might need to prepare yourself for him wanting more as your son grows up but let him prove himself as a dad first. If he sticks around and he's a good dad you may feel better about additional contact as and when.

Keep your own contact with him to a minimum for now and see how you feel. I'd definitely commit to EBFing for a while to give you head space and legal protection when baby arrives