Helping my son (age 10)

[TheOrigFV45]

I have a long-running thread on Relationships, which is where I have added the following post, but I've no response. It really belongs here.

I would appreciate any words of advice.

DS2 is really struggling with his relationship with his Dad.

Current situation is that he sees his Dad on an ad hoc basis. This has been about once every 6 weeks or so since last March.

He is confused. Can't understand why his Dad doesn't want to see more of him. Wonders if he has done anything to upset him. Feels sad for his Dad living all alone.

Told me he thought he was a rubbish Dad and then burst into tears for saying something so awful.

He doesn't want to contact Dad himself by any means (letter, email, phone, text), so arrangements are made between me and ex. I HATE this. He takes ages to reply, and then it's often just non-answers like 'maybe', or 'can't do that', w/o suggesting something else.
He never initiates contact, and he will not do any of the travel.

If I wasn't proactive months and months would go by.
I do want him to have a relationship with his Dad and in time it will be on his terms, but he's only 10 so too young to have that responsibility.

I don't want to make a point about me having to do all the travel because it means he won't see his Dad.

I am trying to access some support for him, but he's quite particular about who he talks to. He finds it hard to open up (historically this has come from him knowing that if he spoke up about the emotionally abusive way his Dad was treating him and it got back to Dad then Dad would know it was because he had spoken up - he's right).

Things I have said:
He loves his Dad but doesn't love his behaviour. That's OK.
His feelings are his feelings and are not right or wrong.
He can't change his Dad, only the way he reacts to him.
NONE of this is his fault. He's a little boy.
I don't understand it either.
It's good to talk to people.

He is scared to tell his Dad how he feels as he thinks he'll get cross.
He has a Zippy soft toy that he talks to and then zips all the worries away.

What else can I do?
The fact this often comes up late at night keeping him awake is tough for us both. I am low on patience at that time (my precious quiet time in the day).

I had this to a degree with my Ds although he was 2.

I figured if he was going to drop out my ds’s life the earlier the better . I didn’t want this I wanted him to stand up and be a dad. I found once I stopped trying I had more emotional energy to deal with Ds.

I also found with my Ds , he learnt quickly I responded to conversations about dad at night . I changed tactics and said if he wanted to talk about it tomorrow I would sit down with him .

Oh my this sounds so like my situation the difference being my DC are indifferent to seeing their father and their father is demanding (via protracted court hearings) more and more contact.
I think I’ve said all the things you have, but it’s so tough because they are dealing with such adult emotions when all they should be worrying about is who’s fallen out with who in the play ground. It’s must be tough to learn at such a young age that one of your parents is far from perfect and motivated by themselves (not their child’s wishes and needs). As I see it you have 2 options continue as you are building up your DS confidence and self worth. His fathers failings are just that his fathers and not a reflection of him. Is there another strong male role model in his life?
Option 2 propose a more regular and structured contact and get it formalised poss through a mediator. It will allow you to get across your DS feelings and needs.
A word to the wise however, don’t forget you can’t control you ex’s response just how you choose to respond. You can’t single handedly make it better and all you are responsible if for providing an opportunity for a relationship between them. The success of it is your ex responsibility x

Hi my son is also 10 and we are going through something similar. Strategies I have put in place - a worry jar - each day he writes down his worries, he also writes a good thing. Twice a week we then open the jar and read through it and talk it out. He has also said he wants to speak to someone going through the same so if you you would be interested in getting the boys to write to one any other and think it would help your son I would be interested to do that.

He also is afraid to upset his dad, at the moment he has a lot of anger and has been struggling to stay calm at times.

Thank you all. I am hoping to have some time over the w/e to read more thoroughly and respond.

I also have a 10 year old DS who is in a similar situation with his Dad.

He has been in and out if DS' life, will be great for months then disappear.

I stopped being the one to make contact unless my Son asked me to ( and I do check with him regularly) but my Son is now ambivalent. I think its also ok to acknowledge how your son feels about his Dad and agree with him. "Yes, your Dad is being an idiot and he just doesn't realise what he's missing out on"

This may help:

• Do not tell him when contact will or may take place, that way he is not disappointed if dad doesn’t show up.
• if he asks when he is going to see him or why he has not been in touch just tell him the truth: You don’t know. No point in raising his hopes when the contact is drying up.
• My son also thought he may have done something to upset his dad, I explained to him very clearly that he was not responsible for his dad behaviour, he would have acted irresponsibly no matter how good he had been.

We are sold the idea that contact with both parents is essential, but when you have a child with his heart broken before or after every contact, it comes a time when you have to accept that letting the twat run away from his responsibilities, might actually be a blessing.

Sorry...this hasn't been forgotten.
All my responses seem so negative so I want to explain properly, rather than just dismiss what you've been kind enough to say.

Here I am at last.

AustinRd. As I see it you have 2 options continue as you are building up your DS confidence and self worth. His fathers failings are just that his fathers and not a reflection of him

I absolutely tell him this all the time.

Is there another strong male role model in his life?

I think so. Not so much a regular Uncle or equivalent of my generation, but he has his Grandad on ex's side, great uncles, and I have some very good male friends.
He also sees families with strong marriages/relationships (although that sometimes just strengthens how much he feels he's missing out).

Option 2 propose a more regular and structured contact and get it formalised poss through a mediator. It will allow you to get across your DS feelings and needs.

There's not a chance that would work. I can't even get ex to communicate about which days (if any) he'd like to see DS over the 2 week Xmas period.

A word to the wise however, don’t forget you can’t control you ex’s response just how you choose to respond.

Yes, this is something I've learnt for myself as well, and it's really helped with how I deal with communication from him.

notjustamother

Hi my son is also 10 and we are going through something similar.

I'm sorry to read this.

Strategies I have put in place - a worry jar - each day he writes down his worries, he also writes a good thing. Twice a week we then open the jar and read through it and talk it out.

We have this with the Zippy cuddly, but anything that goes in there he hasn't wanted to talk about. When he's upset he wants to talk it our there and then.

He has also said he wants to speak to someone going through the same so if you you would be interested in getting the boys to write to one any other and think it would help your son I would be interested to do that.

Thank you. To date, he has been reluctant to do this. The ONLY person he has talked to is one of the teachers at school. He is some times very defeatist about it all - saying they can't change anything. To that I've said this might be true, but it's often very good to talk. He is starting to learn the benefit of that.

He also is afraid to upset his dad, Yup, that's my DS, too. Walking on eggshells he said. Gosh that was hard to hear - it's what I did for years. I cannot blame him for not standing up to his Dad.

I stopped being the one to make contact unless my Son asked me to ( and I do check with him regularly) but my Son is now ambivalent.

I have done this for a while.

IdiotInDisguise

*This may help:

• Do not tell him when contact will or may take place, that way he is not disappointed if dad doesn’t show up.*

His Dad has never not turned up. I do all the dropping and collecting (that's another thread), so DS knows it's happening. He is involved in the planning of what they do. When they have contact it seems to go OK, though increasingly he becomes very emotional and difficult the few days afterwards.

- if he asks when he is going to see him or why he has not been in touch just tell him the truth: You don’t know. No point in raising his hopes when the contact is drying up.

This is exactly what I do. Say I don't understand.

Gotta go.

It may sound strange because I have to say it is amazing to read these messages as it makes me realise this isn't just happening to me! My DS is 10 and is very confused about how to feel and I know a lot of the 'acting out ' he does more so at school are down to his Dad just not being in his life. I have tried numerous times and contact remains good for a while then fizzles out then simply stops. He is really not in a good living situation and I don't think has a fixed job. Me and my DS are really in a great situation with my job and our flat... and my family close by, so I think he feels he can't contribute but what he totally doesn't understand is it is simply the regular contact that needs to happen... My DS has often said we aren't a proper family but he also doesn't want to contact his dad himself either... and I no longer try. The one person I have reached out to is his Grandma on my ex's side as we were very close.. I am sort of hoping we are able to get back to being as close and maybe through her get closer to his Dad. But I am certainly not holding my breath...
I see a family therapist sometimes alone and sometimes together with my son and this has helped a lot, she was a single parent too and I think this is important as she understands from her own personal experience what a very lonely world it is sometimes!

I had this with DD. Her dad didn't seem at all interested, any contact he had with her all seemed to be mostly for show. Sometimes he showed an interest, most of the time he didn't, sometimes he disappeared for 6 months or a year. Sometimes he was abusive, sometimes I felt sorry for the way he was destroying his life.

I really wish I hadn't tried at all with him because when DD was 11 he committed suicide. I wasted too much time and effort and it would have been much better if I had just told him to keep out of our lives - although there would have been a massive backlash to this too.

You are in a no-win situation like I was. Always be honest. Always be there. That's the best thing you can do. I don't know about therapy, we didn't go down that route and DD is doing fine. She knows I love her enough for 2 parents. She's a happy, confident, intelligent and thoughtful teenager.

That is super tough on you both and I fully agree that it is better to tackle being two parents ourselves than trying or allowing a useless one in. This never amounts to anything positive and is just so confusing for everyone. I am really happy to hear that your DD is doing just fine. In a way I think they have been shown from an early age how not to behave so the hope is that they wouldn't follow in the wrong footsteps!
Wish you all a really good start to 2020 and here is hoping there are a ton of good exciting surprises in store! =)

Bastard ex didn't get either DS a Christmas present. DS1 not bothered, but ds2 so upset and angry. They saw him today for the afternoon. First time since Oct. DS2 had got ex a gift and was so excited; as any 10 yo would be. He held it together until I picked them up, got home and then sobbed and sobbed and got angry. Stupid man. Ds said it wouldn't have mattered what it was, only that his dad had thought of him.

Personally, i don't think anything good comes of trying to force these men to care. We've been happier since i just let things slide. I keep x updated with contact details and have said you know where we are. Nothing for 5 years now except the occasional text updating contact details from him. At which point I offer contact which he ignores.

And no birthday or Christmas contact, we don't send anything either now.

The weird thing is, i was with him for years and he's not a bad person. But he's a very disconnected father, i doubt he gives ds a thought from day to day.

Same for my DS, we had hardly any contact from his dad this year or previous ones really unless I push it and I got to the point where I gave up... then New Years at middnight we receive a txt from a new number saying Happy New Year... and it was him.
I let him give us a ring and my DS was able to chat to him which was weird but nice then he promises to ring us and so far I have had two texts to say he is 'swamped' and found no time. I have not replied and my DS has no interest in speaking to him... I just wonder why he popped up just to disappear again. Maybe i'm the stupid one having text back and picked up.. very frustrating and just tough on my son! .. lucky he's got me and my family who really care about him and he knows this.