How to help child deal with anger following relationship breakdown

[notjustamother]

This is a very complicated story but following their dad moving out 4 months ago eldest child (10) has been massively struggling with angry outbursts, not wanting to leave the house or go to school (not everyday say perhaps 2 times a week)

For example - if we are to go out sometimes they have a 'moment' (so examples were into town, bowling with their friend etc) they refuse to go and argue about it beforehand, refuse get dressed and have to be talked into it, refuses to leave the house - have had to literally take by the hand, refuses to get in the car, they have also run off once outside before. It honestly can take me 20 mins stood outside with the other children already in the car to coax child to get in to go out. Once in the car they will curse (never said bad words before the break up), say how much they hate me, hate life, don't want to go to this stupid thing etc. It's really wearing me down, it's ruining family days out and annoying the other children.

Again at school they won't go to class, I have to get their teacher and on occasion the headteacher has been involved to physically take them off me as they physically cling on.

Bedtime is also a problem with them having an outburst most bedtimes and wanting to stay downstairs, also
Getting angry and physical with middle sibling - to the point middle easygoing sibling has been really upset and in tears. They were close before this.

Speaking to child after they have these outbursts they apologise, say they don't mean what they say, just are so angry and don't know how to deal with it. We talk things through and seem to get somewhere but then it's back to it.

I am at a loss of what to do, their dads in denial, doesn't act like this with him, thinks I am lying.

Child has spoken to a friend of mine and my brother and parents about everything so has lots of adults apart from me to turn too but they are struggling a lot.

Does school have a counsellor sometimes they need to speak to an unrelated adult.

No school doesn't however I was called into a meeting and it was discussed and kind of see how he goes, dad then had a meeting and has basically said he doesn't think son should have it and I think school are now reluctant to follow anything through. School are saying he is okay once there, however twice last week I have had office staff call me saying he wanted to come home was saying he felt unwell (the first time I picked him up and he was fine) and obviously him refusing to go in. I feel so stressed as I'm not sure how to help him, I know it will take time but I'm not sure how to help him long term with as little impact to the others as possible.

Your child is middle of the grieving process .

There are five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance.
You can put in google: five stages of grieving and you can find a lot of helpful information.
one example is here:
www.verywellmind.com/five-stages-of-grief-4175361

I have this issue with DD. It’s been a rollercoaster of highs and lows. Thankfully SENCO at school has been amazing as has my GP. I’d encourage you to speak to them about a possible referral to CAMHS (children’s mental health) or the practice wellness team. There is help out there but with tight budgets you do have to look hard. My DD is currently half way through stage 2 with CAMHS and has play/art therapy. I can see a big difference (school is now a safe place to her and so I no longer have battles keeping her in school) No quick fixes, trust your judgement if you think help is needed keep pushing Good luck

My daughter is 11 and we've been through similar. My daughter opened up to my sister and she's frustrated that her dad isn't here. She got upset as she felt that I should have done more to make her dad stay. She was also scared that I was going to leave too. Her opening up to my sister has given me the chance to drop reassurance into the day that her dad still cares, I'm proud of her, her dad isn't at home as his feeling toward me changed but not toward her.