I'm ashamed of myself...

[SeperatedSwans]

I am a lone parent, no other support. Just me and my 5 year old son.

Things have been stressful lately major life events, moving to a new home, son's behaviour has been poor, were getting support from school councelling service for him. I have poor mental health depression, anxiety and PTSD. I work a 40hour week, am financially under a bit of pressure like most single parents.

But tonight I crossed a line and I am utterly ashamed of myself. During bed time battle, which we have every night without fail, I lost it and I yelled "just do what you fucking want, why do I bother fucking parenting"

I feel absolutely mortified and embarrassed, the words just came out, it's like they were out before my brain could even catch up with what I'm saying. DS ran upstairs to bed, and ashamedly I'm sat here knowing I need to go apologise to him for my behaviour but I can't bring myself to do it.

What an absolute mess. I've never ever sworn at him and now I have. He's 5!! I'm the adult I should know better. 😣 I'm literally angry and dissapointed with myself!

Please don't be so hard on yourself.

No one is perfect. Everyone has a breaking point. You swore and you shouted. Not ideal, but you didn't say anything truly hurtful towards him or anything that's going to stick with him for life. He's not going to hold this against you, I promise.

Apologise for shouting and swearing, reassure him how much love him, but keep it simple. I'm sure he can relate to the odd tantrum!

There really is nothing like mum guilt! I don't have much in the way of practical advice, but I hope tomorrow is a better day

I’ve been there, several times... it happens! Just make a genuine, simple apology and don’t overdo the ‘compensation’ as I used to! I would just apologise and then say that you get tired and stressed and sometimes make mistakes too.

Don’t beat yourself up: try to count all the positive things you’ve done this week as a parent, and acknowledge that you do a good job.

I doubt there’s a mum who hasn’t reached the end of her tether at some point, I definitely have, let him know even adults do silly things sometimes when they’re tired, have a hug and it will all be ok

You are being to hard on yourself I think every parents been there.

I say it under my breath about 4 million times a day!! No one is more surprised than me that it's never actually popped out my mouth!
Say sorry. He will forgive and forget. Perhaps try and find a coping strategy for if/when these feelings come in future? Like counting to 10, only find a more ingenious something. (My friend today confessed she locked herself in the bathroom, shouted into a towel, and then came back out a minute later to deal with whatever was happening!!)
You're not a bad parent, just feeling the strain. Chin up, and soldier on. You're doing great. X

Well I apologised, I just gave a quick hug and said "Mummy is very sorry for saying naughty words, she shouldn't have and she shouldn't have shouted, that wasn't good behaviour, I'm sorry"

He accepted it and we hugged, bedtime battle however had only just finished and he went to bed at 7:30pm. We are both exhausted!

I'm not sure why it's like this, but it is. I literally end up sat on top of the staircase half asleep with my head against the wall saying "go back to bed please" and pointing at his bedroom door. He screams, kicks, bites, punches. He's totally regressed in emotional control from a 5 year old to say a 2/3 year old. Problem is 5 year olds are heavier and hit harder than a 2 year old!

He's now fallen asleep more out of exhaustion and I won't be far behind him.

Thank you so much for your kind replies, I just feel so amazingly and overwhelmingly guilty 😔 hopefully it will pass. I wish I had the time to think about counting to ten, but it just flew out of my mouth like I was possessed. 😳

Normally when things are really getting to a head I put him in his bedroom, close the door, and I sit in my bedroom with my back against the door on the floor so he can't open it and I take the 4/5 minutes calming myself down but today I just didn't, it didn't cross my mind I just snapped. I have before also locked myself in my car parked right outside the house and screamed at the top of my lungs before returning to the house 😳

My daughter was awful at bedtime for years. Your description sounds very like my experiences, with a similar reaction from me! I was single for the first 6 years of my children’s life too.

I’ve realised the bedtime meltdown comes from anxiety and have put several things in place which have really improved things. I try to see it as a panic attack, with different expression. Please do let me know if you’d like any of the strategies I use, and I’ll be happy to share.

I hope today’s bedtime is ok for you.