why when you think you have just got your head sorted does somethingelse come to screw it up

[mojosmum]

of late i have just been posting my stresses im sure everyone is getting bored with it now but this is a big one so here goes

ive only have one relationship since splitting with dds dad & this man when i 1st started seeing him was only 16 yes i know thats bad but you cant help who you fall for the fact that he is the son of my friend who was there when dd was born makes it even harder will the relationship was great but my inscureitys made it go wrong & he didnt trust me it then just turned into sex now 4yrs down the line hes 20 now i still love him 6mnths ago we called it quits as he said he didnt want the sex thing as it was unfair as he know i wanted more & he didnt
anyway last night i spoke to him for the 1st time in 6mnth he told me i was the only women that had ever loved him & that we had the best sex but thats not all he wanted he wants to see if we can make it work as a relationship he says he doesnt love me anymore but wants to learn to love me again i asked why now he said cos hes now ready
i dont know what to do love this man but we have both hurt each other in the past my family new about him in the past but didnt agree with us & his family had an idea but never proof & they really didnt like it either

it all sound really bad but i love him ive tried getting him out my head but i cant i be honest im scared

think i need so sane honest advice should i try again with him or should i try get over him?
my head & my heart are saying 2 different things & i dont know which to listern to

I think you should move on, this guy is 20 and probably hasnt seen a lot of the world yet and sowed his wild oats, you were probably his first love but I think at some point in his life he may want to try what he has missed out on if he settles down too early, he doesnt sound too reliable anyways and would you want to be with someone who has to grow to love you, think not

tinkerbel5 - you talk sense thats what my head is saying but my heart says the opposite

mojo,
do you not think you should learn from your mistakes, move on and find yourself another fella. having read your message i feel so so sorry for you. this guy if you want to call him that sounds like a complete child who needs to grow up and see some of the big bad world before he starts to screw your brain again. is it just the sex that he wants or do you think he could commit to both yourself and your dd? taking in your dd considerations, does she like him? would she want him in her life? what makes you think that at 16, he was in love with you but could'nt commit so what changed for him to be able to commit at 20, yet he doesnt love you now? you need to sit and think about this, maybe talk it over with some close friends who you feel will give you an honest answer not just what you want to hear.
another point that i would wonder on if i was you is:- is he stable enough to provide the financial security for both yourself and dd as being only 20 would he not want to be out sowing his wild oats while you are stuck in looking after dd. i would make a list of the pros and cons and see what works for you. i did this when my relationship started to get serious and found it worthwhile in the long run as we now have just had our 4th child together he is 9 yrs younger than me and i could not wish for a better life. but thats my life, you need to work out yours. good luck and i hope it works out the way you want it to.

Sorry hon lots of alarm bells - how old are you - are you much older cos if so it really is bordering on abuse/taking advantage of a lad of 16 (sorry I know some act mature but if I was his mum I would not be impressed) ...from your posts it sounds to me like you almost sub consciously pick men who you will not have to commit to ..but this one ...bargepole springs to mind

wibbywobby - to be honest i dont think he knows what he wants, he gets on really will with dd she loves him to bits & even when we arent together her takes her out with his mum, when at 16 i first started seeing him i had pnd he did all the chasing & he was a great support to me i know the he wants to learn to love me again thing is really starting to sink in n not in a good way think im gunna tell him to go have a live & if im 2/3yrs time things are still the same & we are both single then maybe we give it a go.

macdoodle - im 6yrs older than him yes i do think the fact that he was only 16 is bad but i didnt sleep with him til he was 17 [i know thats not much better & i did always feel guilty [i said if i was his mum i would want to kill me] i think you are sort of right about commitment but think it is subconsious as i would love a happy relationship but yes i do pick the wrong men

maybe the phase : if you love them set them free should be something i should put into practise regarding him i have tried to do that many of times but he always comes back but im the older & should take responciblity for my actions just cos you love someone doesnt mean being with then is right

Having a child youself makes me think that you have been bearing lots of responsabilities, maybe going through difficult things that would have made you mature faster than him. He can not even imagine these at this time.

I'm sorry but considering the above and what you have posted about him "needing to learn to love you", I'm foreseeing that instead of a partner what you will be getting here is just a second child to take care of. I would try to find a person that at least could understand what he is getting into. Sorry.

isababel - think i agree on the getting another child not a partner

just think its cos im lonely at the moment that i was thinking of giving it another go but in reality what he has said is not what i want

You can't learn to love someone, you either do or you don't. He sounds very young/immature and personally I think you'd be heading for a fall if you went back to him. You deserve so much better than that.

zmandaz - you are so right but about him & in the past it has always ended badly but dont agree with the deserving better ive done things in the past at was wrong but i wish i could be happy but the only other man that has shown any interest in me ended up on drugs so its only the ones that are bad for me that want me

mojo i really do feel for you but what if he's jst telling you he wants to love you because he just wants the sex????.You getting back with him will be for ur benefit, not anybody elses.You cant help who you fall in love witth regardless of his age,but u really need to look at the big picture x

fawkeoff - yes i agree i know deep down this is not a good idea but i just needed people out side if this to tell me that cos the people that care about refuse to keep telling me hes no good for me

ive been strong [well sort of]& told him that i dont want to give it another go & that i think he should go & have fun & be a young man & enjoy himself it was hard cos & i know it was the wrong thing to do but i ended up having sex with him i tried to resist but didnt but have told him that shouldnt of happened & that it wont be happening again i know ive not really given him reason to believe that but i do mean it

& yes i do still love him but i know we are not good for each other anymore so i cant be with him

im gunna be strong & stay away from him

you are a very strong woman, i admire you.
i believe you will do it.
and if you believe in yourself you will do it and meet someone else far better for you and your dd.
hugs.

I've only just caught up with this link. Mojosmum, it's a vicious cycle to think that because of things you've done in the past you don't deserve to be happy. It doesn't matter what you've done in the past, it's gone and you can't change it but you ALWAYS deserve to be happy. I've often felt in the past that I only attract bad guys but it's more to do with my lack of self confidence. When I look back there were good guys around but I ignored them and went for the bad - almost looking for trouble. If this guy really loved you then the age gap wouldn't matter and you both would know deep down that you should be together but lets face it, most 20 year old guys are not interested in settling down yet and need to experience life a little more to know exactly what it is they want. I hope you are feeling a bit happier about things now.

hi,
turquoisenights & zmandaz thanks for your kind words im feeling a bit better today & expect to feel abit better everyday

my self estime has risen due to my new spray tan its amazing what abit of fake tan can do