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Don't understand how some parents feel no guilt about leaving their child

8 replies

maria1947 · 10/11/2019 12:47

Ex husband seemed to try to be a good dad, not involved much with any actual parenting, but had fun with our daughter. I worked nights and he worked days so spent a lot of time with her and was very much the fun dad.

He was always talking about her and posting on Facebook, backstory was that he wasn't involved much as a family man, moody and would have to have time to himself a lot. Didn't do much in the house and we had money problems due to rent increases and both on a low wage.

We drifted apart as he was cold and self absorbed and if he did do anything at all to help he would see it as needing praise and gratitude.

We had to move as our landlord wanted to sell, so I found something else and sorted it all out, it was stressful as I had to look for somewhere and make appointments often after working a night shift and then collecting daughter from school. Then going back to work as I also worked full time.

I found somewhere the best I could as we didn't have much time and needed somewhere to live but it was smaller and expensive. He blew up when I told him and refused to look at it, said it looks like a shoebox from pictures, sulking on move day and not helping at all as we had friends to help us move.

He was more sulky and withdrew after we moved in and I was busy with work and daughter, moving schools and moving in. I just stayed away from him as he's impossible to talk to, looking back I was really stressed and suffering from depression but too busy to draw breath... moving meant a further walk for me to work and a long walk to school and back. After 12 hour nights I wasn't getting much rest or sleep!

He met someone online and moved to his parents but at that point slowly stopped talking to his daughter and seeing her before moving away to live with girlfriend and her children, without telling his child he had gone.

He then just blocked her for not reason and has not been in touch with her since, she is devastated and has had lots of emotional problems and feels it must be that it's her fault!!

I just can't get my head around how a parent can suddenly do this and how they can be ok with it and seem to feel no guilt. He seemed to be a good dad from other people point of view and get away with causing so much damage without explaining to her and knowing how hurtful it must be for her!

I know it happens, but i can't understand what his self justification would be! How he can have constantly told daughter about his new family and how great they were then just drop her like that, while presumably playing a great dad to those kids!!

She also got told that she would have to accept the new family as it would be him and them and no conversations without them. Daughter just wanted to talk to him alone.

How could the new partner not see what he has done and find it normal as a parent herself!!

Sorry for the ranting about this, it's been a year since daughters dad moved out and last night she wouldn't talk as she said she dreamed about her dad then realised he want there. I just feel for her and I feel so angry!!!

OP posts:
Dontforgetyourbrolly · 10/11/2019 12:55

Hello Maria , I totally understand your feelings . 2 years down the line here and you do get used to it without getting angry all the time. My ex will see ds at weekends if he has nothing else planned! If i only saw my beautiful boy once or twice a fortnight I'd make sure he was my number one priority and nothing would stand in my way!
However, weekends away with new girlfriends, golf or whatever always comes first with my ex
Your daughter will accept and adjust and as she gets older she will totally appreciate what an amazing parent you are.

maria1947 · 10/11/2019 13:00

Thank you don'tforget, yes I'm hoping time will be a healer and I just have to accept how it is, just wish he would make some contact as she doesn't know where he is and he hasn't been in contact for 5 months.

Still would probably be worse if he was about when a parent should prioritise their child when they get a new partner, seems to have happened to you and your son too, very unfair.

Glad your both doing well now!

OP posts:
maria1947 · 10/11/2019 13:05

I would also rather he saw his daughter, but he does nothing to provide for her and cms don't know where he is so it's a struggleSad

OP posts:
ParkheadParadise · 10/11/2019 13:08

Dd1's dad was like that. He refused to have anything to do with her. Didn't pay any maintenance.
She died 4yrs ago and he decided to crawl out the woodwork. He had the cheek to contact me and ask for pictures. He was told to FUCK OFF.
He was told NOT to come to her funeral he replied that he wasn't going because he was too upset but managed to go to the pub with his girlfriend.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 10/11/2019 13:12

Parkhead, I'm so sorry for your loss.

OP , ds dad has been dumped by his latest girlfriend so has taken ds for a weekend of fun activities. Daddy is now some kind of weekend hero while I'm the nag that enforces home work. It's swings and roundabouts!

maria1947 · 10/11/2019 13:38

I'm so sorry for your loss, to deal with the loss of your child and the behaviour of a so called " father"I just have no words!!

OP posts:
maria1947 · 10/11/2019 13:47

Dontforgetyourbrolly, yup it's like a child doesn't exist until they're there to see them or pay even a tiny amount of interest.

I wonder how it's possible to be this selfish, must be narcissistic at least (although I hate that word, as there are different levels of self absorbed)

Definitely no bonding or care for the child at all, just wanting to be seen to be a good parent, while all the hard work from the loving and involved parent is not seen.

OP posts:
nozomichan · 10/11/2019 16:04

just forget about him.try to tell your daughter it isnt her fault.man like him not real parent anyway.he probably decided to start new life with his gf.i know someone who has 10 kids.he had 5 kids at very young age with a young woman.she died at birth when she was giving birth to last kid.less than 10 years together he had 5 kids with her each 2-3 years apart.after she died he gave away all of them like they are puppies and got married again few years later.he had another 5 kids with his new wife.he doesnt care about his kids with his ex wife.kids dont care about him or their siblings...two oldest kids adopted by grandparents.twins got adopted by step uncle and infant got adopted by aunt.they dont see each other much because they all live in different cities.

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