mixed feelings.....

[shorti]

i have been seperated from my childrens dad for a year and since we had the children he was treating me like an idiot now we have split up he still treats me like an idiot thinking he can turn up and see the children whenever he wants not ringing regularly etc when i tell him its his last chance or even change my number i start to feel guilty and feel like my children will blame me when they get older especially if they find him and he tells them that it was me that didnt allow him to see them, they wont understand that the reason i stopped contact was because of his behaviour! i dont want them to hate me so i gave him my new number he came to see the kids for the first time in nearly 5months a couple of weeks ago and turnt up in an 07 plate car while all the time telling me he has no money 2 give me. i know this car was a rental (he doesnt know i know. he told me he brought the car) but he turnt up right on top of their bed time and after the children had dinner he waited til they had gone to bed to go back to the car and bring up some food he had brought from the shop sat n ate it then left he was here for a total of approx 2hrs! he went out that night and told me he would be rounf the next day between 9 and 10am. i told him if he was not here by 10am we were going out. he didnt turn up til ten to 11, then rung me and asked where i was told him i was out n why n he started going mad at me hung up on me etc. i then text n said if he wanted 2 c them wen i got bk he cud i tried 2 ring he dint answer so i turnt my fone off wen i turnt it on lata he rung and arranged 2 cum down again he was only with them for a couple of hours left after they went to bed givin me n him no time to talk bout how things are going etc because i now know he has got a new girlfriend and is living with her , has been for the last 5months at least i believe she may have a child although he said she doesnt. through all of this i cant help but kick myself for not taking him back when he wanted to come back ( the reason being it felt like he only wanted to come bk as things had messed up where he was and we split because i had found numbers n texts on his fone) now im stuck in a vicious circle as i would love for him to be a family with us and i dont want the girls to hate me for his behaviour plus i still have feelings for him but im unsure if its because hes their dad or because i want 2 b with him what do i do?!

What you are going through sounds really hard, Shorti. I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time.

I think you would benefit from some counselling, and even though you are now single, I think Relate could still give you counselling on your own, so do contact them.

Well done for being consistent and going out at 10 am so that when he was late, he missed you. The fact that he got cross was his problem, and you need to concentrate on remaining calm on these occasions, not taking blame when you have done nothing wrong. If you continue to be consistent about when he can come, he will soon learn that you mean what you say.

If you had lingered and waited for him to turn up late, he might not have turned up at all for all you knew, so you did the right thing there.

Just remember, you can decide what your behaviour is going to be, but you can't choose his behaviour. All you can do is organise your life so that his unreliability has as little impact on your lives as possible. And yes, you do need to leave the way open for him to continue the relationship with your dc.

If he gets cross with you again, try to be distant with him: don't let him feel he has any power to make you feel bad. Give him a chance to calm down; insist he speaks to you with respect or YOU will hang up on HIM.

shorti dont let your ex treat you like dirt cause he know you still have feelings for him, you dont have to put up with him seeing the children when its convenient to him, come to some kind of arrangement regarding dates and times and if he cant stick to them then he loses out.

thank you for your replies. i tried to go to councelling before when i was feeling really low but i find everything difficult with having the children as i only have my mum and my sister to babysit for me and they both work, i had to go to physio for my back and have been unable to keep that goin as its difficult to find anyone to have the children. i feel like im at a dead end and dont know where to go i have been going to college because the college pay my childminding fees and my travel but that doesnt start again until september.