Help im.at the end of my tether

[Nanny15]

So we have a court order that my ex sees our 2 yr old, on his 2nd and 3rd day off as he works 4 on 4 off, the order was made in june, it says at the end any change or additional contact to be agreed by both parties. So since this my ex has asked for over nights, christmas day (he hasnt askes me but keeps saying he has), bonfire night his bday. All days that he works. I made plans for his bday but my ex has took the week off which i found out on saturday its our sons bday this week. He expects me to wait till he wants time with him other than the days court has said. We have a contact book that i write in and he hardly ever does, i supply everything when he has him , as he cant "afford" anything for him other than days out of course. We meet in contact due to dv emotional and mental. When i drop ds off he cries i say your going with daddy mummy will see you later love you and kiss him, when ex brings him back he cries and ex laughs and says aww you want to stay with daddy. Iv told him its not good in front of ds.
Im just stressed that everytime he has contact he wants more and more and when i say its not in the order he quotes the last line of it, i say you should have asked for it all in court. What shall i do? Follow the order or just give him it all ? The arguing over email is relentless, ive stopped replying. Any advice please 😔😔

I think this happens a lot. You go to court not really knowing enough about it all and come out with an order that's not fit for purpose. I have had to go back and vary the court order and it sounds like you might need to do this also. The court hasn't taken into consideration at all how abusive men work.

You are going to need a court order that covers what happens when your DS goes to nursery or school so I would start thinking about what contact will look like moving forward and come up with a consistent plan that covers birthdays, Christmas, holidays and any other days where there might not be agreement. If he wont agree to it, go back to court and get it written into the order so you don't have this constant manipulation and stress over contact.

When we were at court i said to my solicitor what about school and special days and she said hes not asked for any of it so its upto him. He got what he asked for, i have residency which is what i wanted as he threatened to take him so many times. He took me to court as i stopped contact due to all the abuse and inconsistency in contact and he wanted overnights and got angry when i said no, hes never ever done night time routine. Basicallly he probs did 5% of the work for the year after ds was born, and when i finally got him out he expected to be dad of the year. Its all worked round his rota, how am i meant to know when he has holidays? He just expects to message ask for a day and me to say yes. We have a routine at home he doesnt understand its too much upset for our ds. Its all about his right to his son 🙄

I think your solicitor let you down because they should have foreseen potential issues.

My ex is very difficult and it has also always been about his rights and not DC's best interests. I have to be very detailed about plans. My original CAO was detailed but he found a loophole and took advantage of it too.

That last sentence was put in to say that should you both change your minds in the future and agree to more contact than the states you aren't bound by the order. It wasn't meant to mean he can hassle you for contact whenever he wants it.

When you've been in an abusive relationship it can be very difficult to say no but you are allowed to say no. You set the rules. You tell him what contact outside what is ordered will be if there is going to be any. You are allowed to stick to what is in the order. There is nothing he can do because you won't be breaching the order. If he harasses you, contact the police. Get used to saying no. It will help you build back your confidence. You are in control here, not him. If he wants more contact he will have to go back to court and police reports of harassment will only act in your and your son's favour.

Thank you for that. Ive already reported him to the police about messages and coming past my house when there is no need. My solicitor just said he got what he asked for its his fault hes not asked for more so stick to the order and he can take you back to court and the court wont look upon it in good light as thr order was made in june and hes already demanding what he wants. I already supply everything for when he has him, spare clothesz food , snacks, nappies , wipes as he says he cant afford it! He works pays his grandad a bit of rent. He can afford days out now and then and acta like dad of the year but cant afford normal stuff for him, hes got him an ipad for christmas hes just turned 2 he doesnt need that! Ive learnt to step away and ignore it all but it still gets to me. Im not a "no" person but i need to be for our son and his best interests. I dont know how it will work when hes at school, i guess it will be tea twice a week instead xx

From what you've said he's allowed to ask for more contact. The order allows for this.

I think you need to be very firm, and spell things out clearly to him.
He is only 'entitled' to contact as set out in the order. Any other contact has to be agreed by you both...it is at YOUR discretion, you are under no obligation to allow it. You will only allow it if it is convenient for you, and more importantly in the interest of DS.
You will not drop everything and arrange yours and your DSs life around his wants.

If he does not like this then he needs to go back to court and seek a variation to the order.

Chachachaa yes i know he can ask but its the abuse i get when hes told no. He only been properly seeing our son since august and now he demands all extra time and overnights, he should have asked for it in court like others are saying.

Thanks for the advice, sometimes i feel like im going round the bend with him, he makes me feel guilty for saying no. But as you say why should we put our lives on hold for him. I dont plan things for his days so im certainly not waiting around to see what else he wants xx