When your kids are away

[SteffieIUI]

How do you cope in practical ways when your kids are with their other parent?
It's been almost 3 years now and I think it's getting harder not easier.
They are away every other weekend and 1 night a week plus around 3/4 weeks a year on top for longer holidays. It's much worse around events like Halloween etc. Christmas is absolutely dreaded years/months in advance.

I lead a full and busy life but finding ways to fill my time when I am without my kids is getting harder. The novelty of a social life has long worn off.
I work full time in a "big" job, and I am doing further study
I have a partner (he has no kids), he's great and we have lots of trips together, we eat out etc when we have weekend "off"
I have a big family and lots of friends but I tend to avoid them as it makes me miss my kids more being around others as feels like they should be there
This year I've started exercising way more and done a few big challenges at weekends
I always get on top of the house etc and maximise the time I have with the kids, I leave big jobs for when they are away.
But I can never shake that sadness I suppose.

We are going to be trying for a baby soon but due to some serious fertility issues that's low probability. I feel like that would help as I'd at least have one child full time but then I feel still feel sad about my existing children missing out when we are doing family stuff and having siblings apart from each other.

Is it about acceptance that this is how I feel and I'll never be happy when my kids are away?

On the outside people think I'm really happy as we are always doing fun stuff. But really I am just filling the time until I'm a mum again and sometimes the sadness is so overwhelming.
Is this just how it is?

Please don't tell me it gets harder. I'm 2. 5 years in. He didn't give a shit about any of us until he realised that his best shot at hurting me was taking my kids.
And don't get me started on the 'do you have the kids?' question.

@OhioOhioOhio I think it has got harder for me as I think as the kids got older/easier he's become more interested and he has a girlfriend now who will look after them for him so he's upped contact to include 1 night midweek he wasn't interested in that before. Also I think as they get older and you have more things to talk to them about and you just miss them more as people. It's hard.

When you say the "do you have the kids" question do you mean from friends/family?

Yes. I can so very much relate to what you are saying. Except to say that I think that you sound like you are doing such an excellent job of keeping your head together with a partner, exercise and actual life. I'm still in the denial and hiding from reality stage. I feel so duped.

@OhioOhioOhio I do my fair share of moping too. I have to be busy otherwise I am prone to depressive moods where I do absolutely nothing but mope about feeling sorry for myself. The exercising has helped quite a lot actually. Just walking and now running but walking quite long distances. I have actually joined a walking group. Takes up an entire day ! I hope you can find some happiness xx

What's your walking group like? Is it easy to miss every fortnight?

Yes. The moping.

And I meant i was referring to the friends who are all married saying 'do you have the kids such and such weekend?' I don't know. It really hurts my feelings. Or the way people ask if your kids are at home. Like it's optional.

And honestly he didn't at all care about us before I started standing up for myself.

My ex doesn’t see our kids at all. I would kill for a break personally!

Oh I hear this and can relate completely to everything you have said OP

MY ex left when I was 4 months in to a very planned and wanted pregnancy. And we have attempted to make it work several (lame) times in the last 3 years

I am so pissed off that I have to 'share' my time with my DS - this is not how it should be!

He has him every other weekend and the last 3 months has cancelled one per month. Then bleats that he misses him.

I feel so anxious when I'm not with him and end up exercising, working or seeing friends (without kids)

I was so anxious about Xmas but that's sorted now. I just wish it would get easier x

It's awful OP. I agree. Sometimes I can't help wishing DD didn't want to go and I could keep her home but then I feel guilty for being selfish. You just can't win. Keeping busy and getting as much sleep as possible is really all I can recommend

PumpkinP

Yes. Weirdly I can totally relate to that. My stbxh did nothing. And I really didn't expect to see him ever again. Now when he can fk it all up he's all over us

Good to know we're in the same boat but also there must be some parents who just get on with it and don't dwell just make the most of their free time ?

I read a quote yesterday that said "happiness is letting go of what you think your life should look like and celebrating it for everything it is".

This really summarises it for me. Things really did not work out as planned but I am still very lucky and fortunate. I try and be positive as much as possible! But sometimes I just wish I'd chosen a better mate to have a family with so I could just have a normal family life not one where I have to cram as much as possible into "my" weekend.

@OhioOhioOhio the walking group is good as they do 2 meets ups a weekend and tends to be a variety of people so not always a set group and you just dip in and out. It geared towards people of working age.