Dad does not see essential to pay for his children

[Whatshouldmynamebe321]

Boring I know...but...is there anyway I can force my ex to contribute financially???

We have 50/50 care of our 4 children - so child maintenance consider he pays for them in his house and that's that.

I used to receive tax credits and therefore didnt mind being the one who paid for everything. Ex used to contribute towards big spends until he got the sack two years ago.

For the last two years he has contributed nothing.

I am writing a spreadsheet of expenses and a letter to him to state two years I have patiently waited and it is no longer acceptable for me to pay everything. I know he will just read this angrily and ignore it. I know finances should be a separate issue to child arrangements...but seriously why should he have the joy of our children without the costs???

To make this argument harder the reason I no longer receive tax credits or benefit is because my partner lives with me and our combined earnings are too high. So in my exes narcissistic view....we earn loads and dont need his help. My partner has 3 children of his own he pays for and shouldn't (but is) supporting my family now.

My ex is fit and capable of work...just unable to keep a job due to his temper. He lives for free off his poor dad.

Help?! Any wise words?

If he has the children 50% he'd never be expected to pay maintenance any more than you pay him maintenance...

Is the issue you're paying for nursery/ childcare/ hobbies/ school trips for his time as well as your own and buying 100% of the children's clothing and so on?

So as PO says, it's not a child maintenance issue as you have the kids 50:50 so no maintenance is due in either direction.

Were you married to him?

Is the problem that you're paying for expenses which apply to his bit of the week?

I know it's not a maintenance issue as I stated in my op. But...he does not buy clothes, shoes, educational resources, social spends, school outings, school lunches, school bus pass....
Literally the only thing he supplies is food at his house.

He promises the world to my children such as driving lessons and a car....but these things never appear...which the children now realise.

For the record...I dont want him to pay money to me. I just would like him to contribute to childrens things here and there.

Do you work OP?

If it's a 50:50 split then he won't pay maintenance but should buy clothes etc! I assume he feeds the children when he has them!

I feel for you op as it's tough that even in a 50:50 split the financial impact is often felt more by regular mother.

I'm with the pp if he has the kids half the time I would assume he is dressing, feeding and providing a home for the children ( its makes no difference if that home is his fathers home).
I think we need more information about what exactly are the expenses your referring to.

he does not buy clothes, shoes, educational resources, social spends, school outings, school lunches, school bus pass...

So you're providing these things for when the kids are with him? You need to stop this, and let him pay for his obligations when the kids are with him.

I think the problem op is having is not maintenance related as that dosent apply in her case but the refusal by her ex to help provide for his children. Take nursery fees out of the equation, she is talking about necessary shoes, clothes, school trips all of which should be split 50/50 but clearly they are not and this is what is being disputed. Op you have my sympathies, your ex sounds like an arse and your dc are realising this too.

What do the kids do when they're at his? Especially at weekends or summer holidays?

How old are the DC?

Sorry cross posted.
I would stop providing when hes at theres. Give him advanced notice that you will no longer be providing an overnight bag with their stuff and he can get a stock for his house.
As much as I sympathise with you about him not contributing to school stuff unfortunetly I dont think there is anything you can do.
Sounds like the kids are older if hes talking about cars they will soon see through his lies if they havent already.

I do work fulltime.
I dont pay childcare costs (used to and didnt mind as that was to enable me to work)

It's not possible for me to not pay for my childrens things and just leave him to. That would mean they have no clothing, lunch or allowed to participate in swimming lessons or school trips. Or for example my daughter wouldnt have the materials she needs to supply herself in college.

I try to not buy clothes for his house....but he doesnt supply any....therefore my children pack there own little bundle from mine to take to his.
Those clothes belong to my children and no way do I have the heart to say...sorry you cant wear those this weekend because you're at your dads.

This isnt a question of me not being able to afford them (although its tight I can). Its a question of why does a second parent not have to attempt to contribute something to his children other than the food he feeds them when they are at his?

It does seem unfair, but in the eyes of the child maintenance service he doesn't owe anything. Do you receive child benefit? If you are earning too much and he isn't working can he apply for child benefit and child tax credit and give you money from that?

My dd's dad has her every other weekend, is self employed, and doesn't pay me a penny maintenance and there is sweet fa I can do about it because he is self employed. There are many many people in my situation on Mumsnet.

Philippa thank you for your sympathies.

Butterfly they dont do a lot at his other than play computer games and watch tv. The eldest child chooses not to go there very much anymore for which she gets endless guilt trips from him when she does go.

He always tells the children they cant do anything cos daddy doesnt have any money. The man has been unemployed for two years by choice. He states he doesnt have time to look for a job.

Definitely feel your pain, my ex is cut from the same cloth. Was unemployed through choice for 10 years after I dumped him. My DD only watches TV or plays computer games there, never taken her out anywhere and claims poverty. Often fed things like pot noodles as an evening meal. It is infuriating. My DD is finally starting to ask not to go after many years of idolising him. Can you reduce how often they go?

Sorry you're in the same boat.
I cant reduce it...but I can only hope as the younger ones get older they will naturally reduce it by choice.
At present they are quite manipulated to feel pity and a duty to go and nurture his feelings.

How old are the children OP and how does the 5p/50 split work?

They are 6, 7, 12 and 16.
The 50/50 is an agreement made in the family court. 50/50 each week part weekend part school days.

It's not possible for me to not pay for my childrens things and just leave him to. That would mean they have no clothing, lunch or allowed to participate in swimming lessons or school trips. Or for example my daughter wouldnt have the materials she needs to supply herself in college.

Aside asking him nicely there's not much you can do then.

I have shared care with my ex so there's no maintenance paid, but I make damn sure I don't fund her lifestyle by giving her an endless supply of stuff for the kids. When they go to hers they go in what they are wearing and that's it, anything else she needs to supply.

My ex doesn’t see my kids at all and doesn’t pay maintenance either and cms can’t do anything so no I don’t expect there is anything you can do to force him when he sees them half the time

@Whatshouldmynamebe321 I feel for you! I get a tiny amount of child maintenance for my 2 children and they don't see their dad very often at all - their choice. I have paid for everything for them - school uniforms, school trips, school dinners...everything. Always have. He owns a few different businesses but clearly has a good accountant! He is currently in Disney land Florida for 2 wks with his other 2 children and my 2 didn't even get invited. I'm absolutely fuming about it. They are so upset and it's not helped by 100's of photos all over social media for them to see. It's so unfair but unfortunately nothing we can do about it 😔😡

@c3pu if there is no maintenance payable why do you have to make "damn sure" you're "not funding her lifestyle" by buying your own children's clothing? Do you suspect she would sell it?
You sound very bitter.

How do you split the costs I mention c3pu? Such as school trips, uniform etc

Marie that sounds rotten for your children.
I know finances should be separate from children...but...the fact he doesnt pay anything for them makes me resent the fact he gets to enjoy them half the week.

There is rarely a glorious outcome for separated parents is there.

if there is no maintenance payable why do you have to make "damn sure" you're "not funding her lifestyle" by buying your own children's clothing? Do you suspect she would sell it?
You sound very bitter.

Not bitter but I know if I was more generous she wouldn't do the same for me, so past experience has led me to take a hard line. I buy my own kids clothes for when they are with me, and yes she does try to nick stuff if I send them in something new/nice. Had to kick up a massive fuss to get back a brand new pair of school trousers in september, she sent me back a pair of his older brother's that didn't fit him...

How do you split the costs I mention c3pu? Such as school trips, uniform etc

For uniform, I buy what they need at mine, and leave the rest up to her. School shoes we alternate buying them. School trips, I ask her if she's willing to go halves, and if she agrees we split the cost. If not, the kids don't go as I simply can't afford to pay for all of it.