Hi
I separated about 3 years ago when my dc were 2 and 4 years old. They are now 4 and 7. They have adjusted amazingly well considering all the changes but the one area that I feel has deterioated is their behaviour.
One issue is consistency. My dcs spend alot of time being looked after by other people as I went from being a sahm to having to work full time. My dcs initially were looked after by grandparents who thankfully dropped and picked them up from new school and nursery. Of course there was alot of spoiling there with grandparents giving them a lot of treats (chocolates and sweets), being more tolerant of unruly behaviour, unlimited screen time and being hesitant to discipline. Also due to the EOW arrangements they also spend many weekends with other parent who also is alot more lenient with them then me as he sees them less. However from the outside (we are generally no contact) it does seem like the eldest one in particular behaves better for dad.
I have to work very hard to keep them under control especially the older ds and unfortunately get alot of complaints about their behaviour from my family in particular. They are very active and had a tendency to run off when picked up by grandad who has lost the younger one a few times in the school playground when doing pickups. It worried me to the extent that I have now put them in breakfast and after school club so I can collect them my self. However I do have similar issues especially when I go on days out with them as they get over excited and the older one in particular wants to be independent so will go ahead too far.
The older ds can also be very rude to my family and women in general. It started off with him not greeting his grandparents when he went to their home. He began tk not ignore them completely especially my mum and speak disrespectfully. I have managed to rein that in and he has improved but he still does this sometimes. At first I thought it might be the influence of his dad as he resented the support my family gave me after the separation. However I'm not sure whether ds just blamed them for me not being there or was angry/upset in general and they were a safe, convenient target.
I find my son can be very dismissive of women. He is not like this with his class teachers thankfully but he sometimes ignores other women when they speak to him or give him instructions. He won't greet them properly and it's a real struggle to get him to speak politely. He tends to snap or sigh every time he responds. I used to explain it away to people as him being generally shy and he does sometimes speak in a similar tone and manner to men though i notice it more when he does it to women due to history with dad who was a bit of a narcissist. I don't know whether it's the way people interact with him that makes the difference or he is consciously controlling it.
I also struggle with older ds being moody and arrogant. He is mean to his brother putting down his achievements and deliberately upsetting him. He is rude to me and answers back or speaks in a rude tone. If I ask him about his day he says why do you want to know. He behaves in an entitled and ungrateful way. I struggle as a single parent to take them out and provide meaningful experiences when they are with me but my older ds can spoil these occasions by the way he behaves or speaks and it makes me feel rejected and like I shouldn't have wasted my money. Yesterday I took them to see a local fireworks display and fun fair. We all enjoyed it but afterwards ds got annoyed with being told off about some thing then started complaining on the phone to his dad that the fireworks weren't high enough it wasn't that good. I had spent close to £30 altogether on entry and rides etc. I have now cancelled a cinema trip we were going on tomorrow with his aunt as I don't feel like he deserves it after his behaviour.
Anyway sorry for the long winded message but basically what I wanted to ask is that has anyone had similar experiences of this? I don't know whether his behaviour is a response to the situation and i need to do more to deal with that or whether I just need to step up on my parenting.