Loneliness is killing me.

[Intotheashes]

Hi. This is a long one but I have no idea what to do anymore. I am a full time working single mum, who is in the Army.

My ex left me for another woman a year and a half ago when my DS was 1 and other than every other weekend he has no involvement with our child. His choice not mine. He wasn’t ready to be a father.

I fought for 6 months for fairness with time and money but nothing was resolved and I gave up begging and had to handle life on my own.
18 months on I have had more breakdowns than I have had hot dinners. I have begged work to help with either flexible working hours or change my job role but I kept getting told, no, because I am doing a good job..

I am in a male dominated career and the colleagues that I work with feel uncomfortable to befriend a single mother (32yo) especially out of working hours as their gf/wife would find a problem with it.

I am extremely exhausted from having to work 0700-1730 5 days a week and then be a single mum on top of this. The second my DS is settled asleep in the evening I feel like a prisoner trapped within 4 walls with no one to talk to.

I am so burnt out and have asked the doctor for anti-depressants however they rejected the idea as they believe that my depression is situational.. which it is 100% true, but I cannot do anything to make it better!

Nursery costs £1200 a month (£900 from myself alone) this is one thing that I’ve come to terms with however it means that I cannot afford a social life or even new clothes for myself. I spend every spare penny on my son. (I am sure every parent does this anyway..) however i could do with a spare penny to afford a babysitter once in a while.

I have spent every day dedicating myself to my job and my son and I cry every night because I am so lonely. My mental health is completely deteriorating and I feel so ill as I am so tired from everything. I cannot even cook for myself or tidy the house anymore. I have been to councilling and they said the same as the doctor and have discharged me.

I feel completely empty inside. The weekends I have to myself I used to get out and try do things that I used to love like kayaking but nothing makes me happy anymore. (4 days a month to myself does not fix my emptiness) plus now that I feel exhausted all of the time I spend these weekends trying to reset my house to a somewhat reasonable state.

I know EXACTLY what would fix me and that is time. I need time for myself. Not just the odd evening or weekend but I need consistent time to either join a club or something just to meet new people and socialise. I have spent every day for 18 months completely own with no one to talk to other than my 2 year old son who cares for nothing other than peppa pig and making a mess.

This is extreme Loneliness and it is killing me. I feel like I am going insane.
I Literally have no one and I haven’t got a clue how to get out of this hell.

Hi
I am so sorry you are going through this alone. It probably won't mean much but you sound phenomenal to me. So strong - holding down a job and raising a young child alone. Lots of people can't cope in these early stages. It is, without doubt, the hardest part of life. You will look back on this time and be so proud of yoruself for holding it together, even by a thread, with or without antidepressants. just hanging in there is a feat. I promise you it will get easier. Your child will be in school and nursery fees will shrink to after-school club fees. You will get a life back. It feels never ending at this stage. But it will pass.

I haven't been in your position so I know I'm not the best person to give advice, but I did struggle a lot and maybe some of what worked for me will help you too.

Don't underestimate tiny things. They are what keep life together in stressful times. In the evening consciously choose to put on music you really love, or watch a comedy you really enjoy. Or some uplifting inspirational Ted talks. Or do some yoga online wiht Adrienne. Conscioulsy decide to spend time alone doing stuff you are getting pleasure from. I'm not dismisisng your loneliness, just saying that you can be klone for chunks of time and actively benefit from it. Some people are not alone in the evening and after putting DC to bed have to attend to demanding husbands or parents and are just depserate for quiet time to think their own thoughts. You donlt want to be alone but you can still get some benefits from the freedom of it.

How abotu making a list of fun things you can do alone in an hour and doing one each night to reward yoruself for getting through the day - bath with a vast cup of tea, music playing and a good book. Uplifting film and a bowl of popcorn. I know these aren;t solutions to the problem, They are just tiny breaks from it. But they do help.

Decide right now that you don' t have to cook until DS is in school. You can live well on cheap ready meals, beans or cheese on toast and fresh fruit and salad or frozen veg.

Sort out your house for five minutes a day. Sounds like nothing but it helps. Set a timer and spend 5 mins whizzing around th ekitchen, picking up shoes, coats, bags, toys etc and stashing them where they belong., Then use wipes or a spray and a cloth to do surfaces and floor. Stop after five mins. It doesn't matter if it's not complete. It's better than it was. Do the same in any room - just set a timer on the cooker or your phone and sort mail or laundry, plump cushions, wipe away dust etc.

As to antidepressants - I think you've been mistreated. You are probably very good at seeming capable, I am and I was refused anti depressants for four years after DC were born. I had post natal depression but because I was so immensely capable, no one believed me. Go back. tell them you are at breaking point. (Try to cry in front of the GP if you can.) And remember, you can just sit there and say, I can't carry on. I need something to help me through this temporary tough time. Insist on being giving a prescription. If you are turned down again, request a different doctor.

As for adult company - come on here. It's not the same as live people bt in some ways it's easier. You can wander off if you feel tired or people annoy you. Avoid AIBU and all the bitchy rubbsih and find some chatty, supportive corners of MN to hang out and chat.

Have you looked into Homestart in your area? It's for people like you - any new-ish mum who is struggling gets paired with a trained volunteer who turns up to help out with something like bath time or weekly shop.

Can you pay a sitter once a week to get you out of the house doing something you love? Is there anyone who might give you a loan to cover the cost of this? Family? A Forces fund? Your ex or his family? (I know that's unlikely just exploring all possibilities.)

I promise you it gets easier. And those who have had it really tough in the early years get so much pleasure from the freedom as DC get older.

Meanwhile, here's [flowrs] and and and and a to hug. You deserve them all.

I don't have anything to add that you haven't considered already.

Your ds is so small and very time consuming it does get easier as they get older.

I have to say my ex left me nearly 2 years ago. And it is only now I am feeling ok.

Have you looked into child minders locally? Not only are they cheaper but also much more flexible than nursery. Also looking a head you are going to need wrap around care for school and school holidays and a child
Minders will meet your needs long term.

I had the same thought for the new year I need a hobby or evening class to meet people. Not sure what but I'm ready to get out. I too have very little left after I have paid all the bills but I'm prepared to take the hit for my mental health and get a social life.

Does your ex pay child support?

Are you entitled to and help with the cost of child care.

Have you sought pastoral support through your work?

Have you tried any single parent groups.

I also second going back to your gp. Anti depressants aren't going to change your situation. But will enable you to cope

Chat on mn. I know it is not the same but I was part of a long running thread when ex first left. We were all in the same boat and were able to support each other.

You are doing an amazing job of single handily bring up your son. Don't doubt your achievements.

You sound amazing and I hope you’re ok. I am a single mum and worked full time. Some of the suggestions on here are great- biggest thing I learned was to try and enjoy own company and do something like read, exercise, a movie, yoga. Things got better for me when child went to nursery and then school and met a few mums I got on with - chatted whilst kids played . First time I felt part of community and not isolated and it got easier. I would also go back to GP and hopefully get some more help... But you sound amazing and I Hope from somewhere you can dig up some pride in yourself and what you’re achieving. Be your own best friend and take care

You need to go back to the chain of command and insist on proper support. If any of my soldiers had come to me with a problem like this I would have helped.

Are you staying in military accommodation?

Do you have a padre?

Definitely contact relevant military charities and also see if there's a local home start or similar charity.

I'm not a single parent but I think your doing amazing and being a good role model for your son. I'd second a childminder mines super flexible and offers a babysitting service, which I can rarely afford but it is there.
I do long hours (4am til 3pm) with a dp who works away a lot, I have less than 2 hours a week to myself and its destroying my mental health - I'm sorry.
I'm doing therapy which has helped me find things to do which make me feel less trapped eg group work outs online or weekend toddler groups so I meet adults, although my ds is usually with me or asleep (holow laugh as he never sleeps) upstairs .
Not sure if that will help at all.

You do sound an amazing woman, OP.
What a lovely answer from @milliefiori and @unicornsarereal72, I also followed a thread for a couple of years and chatted / shared with people I'll never meet, although the support was amazing.
Good luck with your little one. You are a strong role model for them. It does get easier. You will make it x

Hi OP,

Can you reduce your hours at all, even if it is temporary?

Speak to the padre, also COC, this can't continue. They have a duty of care to you, they know it, they are ignoring it. You are also within your right to put in a flexible working request.

I know camp can be a lonely place, are you in MQ's? Do they have a mother and toddler group run at the camp? Does the camp you are at have a Facebook page for the wives and girlfriends? Could you join that? What about your welfare officer in the hive? Are they any good?

I'm so sorry you feel like this, I know it all to well I'm a line parent of a 5 year old, and I feel like a prisoner in my house from 7:30pm onwards. I don't speak a word till 7am the following morning when it's time to wake up. I hate this aspect of being a lone parent, the loneliness can be truly debilitating.

I really feel for you.
I felt like a prisoner in my own home when single.
Can you join online single mum groups on mumsnet, Facebook etc?
Online book club?
I love discussing tv programmes with others mumsnetters.
Online group games is. Crosswords?
Text friends/family every evening?
Can you get a hobby to do indoors?

You do genuinely sound like you're doing an amazing job, I dont know if you have the same sessions in your area but sure start were a great help to me when I had my first and me n the munchkins are still friends with them now (10yrs +) I am a single parent and I know how lonely it can feel when everyone around you is in couples and every social activity is families. The bravest thing you e done is speak out

@Intotheashes are you ok? I've been worrying about you.

I know you can't get out because of childcare but what hobbies do you have? Are there any online forums you could join to talk to people about them?

Talking here was a great idea. Could you find a board you love and keep talking to people that way?

Be kind to yourself.

Can you take sick leave?