Upset that ex won't contribute to school trip

[OhamIreally]

My DD has a school away trip in January. ALL the children in her year are expected to go and it is a rite of passage.
The cost is several hundred pounds plus clothing.
I asked ex to go halves and said I would provide the clothing.
He has replied that he doesn't see the educational value in the trip (it's to a farm where they learn to care for animals) and that he will not be contributing.
I will now be paying for it all myself but once again it's highlighted that he is just opting out of parenting, safe in the knowledge that I will pick up the pieces and I feel so sad and lonely that I'm on this journey all alone.
Not really asking anything - just sad.

I sympathise, I had this last March for the year 6 PGL trip, the school allow year 5’s to go as well to make up the numbers so I ended up paying £200 each for DD (year 6) and DS1 (year 5). Not ideal but DD wanted DS1 to come, DS1 wanted to go and his friends were going (so won’t be going again March 2020 which I predicted would happen and why I let him go March 19).
Ex wasn’t willing to pay for it so I had to as I wasn’t going to be the reason they missed out.
They loved it and I think experiences like these trips are so good for their confidence, social and problem solving skills.
Also I got £50 back per child, I think because of income though I don’t know how they knew, it wasn’t because both went as I know some other parents who got £50 back as well, maybe they get subsidised for children from lone parent families?

I don’t think I the school should be billing it as an expected trip or pushing the guilt that they’ll miss out. When parents split neither has the right to commit each other’s money to pay for something. We used to get requests for school trips that had to be paid NEXT WEEK. If we’d had extra time we would have been able to put some aside each month to pay. But still, it one parent wants the trip and the other doesn’t, not much you can do. My D.C. has an opportunity to go on a trip to a national city in the summer but there is no way we can afford it so he will ‘miss’ out. I feel sorry for the kids, but that’s how it is. It’s good you can afford it yourself though and I’m sure she’ll enjoy it but I don’t agree with down taking her father because he doesn’t agree and won’t contribute.

I find this interesting as when this sort of thing came up at school, I just assumed that it was my role to pay out of the CSA/CMS and top it up with my own income as needed. I certainly wouldn't have asked dc's father to contribute more as a) I know that he wouldn't pay it because of CSA/CMS already being paid b) I wouldn't give him the pleasure of refusing to contribute c) I don't know where he lives!

Hope that you get it sorted OP.

I am in this position. My children have had trips this year and I have footed the bill on my own. I have been left with all the house and family costs because he got bored of being part of the family.

My children are switched on and appreciate everything that I am doing for them. They love their dad but sees he's being an idiot. Your child will see this too. Just be proud of you for being able to work and budget to give them happy childhood memories

Yep have had exact same. Ex is mean and selfish.

And horribly of all he tells DS of course he will find the money, and then doesn’t, and then gives him spending money which DS is then really grateful for and tells him well anyway maintenance is for everything.

So even our son doesn’t think he’s mean.

When my son is older and has his own kids, I hope the penny drops. However many kids like DS don’t want to feel badly about their parents, and ‘prefer to stay out of it’ which I understand, however that means we as Mums become a total taken for granted doormat as we’d never see them without no matter what.

I’m now in huge debt. Ex has never ever paid for anything like expensive school trips and maintenance through CMS is a joke, it’s minimal and in no way half of what even the basics cost.

Sigh... very hard not to be bitter!

The estimate for CSA/CMS takes in to account school trips and activities. If parents can’t budget, or live an otherwise comfortable life, then it’s kind of on them.

School trips are not compulsory. And since when did missing out on something do a child any harm?! Kids need to learn these life lessons. Yes, it’s not their fault that their parents broke up, but it will teach them not to procreation with unsuitable matches!!

My mother raised five children, one severely disabled, on her own with the basic financial help from my father who was self employed. They broke up because he was so shit with money, so it was no surprise that he couldn’t provide when school trips came round. We went on virtually zero school trips and didn’t miss out on making friends or bonding as a result. We all have healthy relationships now and don’t feel that we missed anything by not going to some twatty posh farm for a week while our mother was struggling to put food on the table for our siblings.

Holidays, school trips, recreational activities....none of these is compulsory, none of us OWE our children these things. Don’t let societal ‘rules’ push you about.

And don’t take it out on your ex if you can’t budget properly!!

@devilishlygood sorry but are you having a laugh? CMS is the minimum they can enforce based on his earnings.

It is in no way on earth a reflection of even the basic costs of child rearing.

@Warmfire, exactly. It’s what he can afford. If he was still with the mother, it’s what he could afford after living himself. Not for paying for school trips, but for, you know, providing a house, heating, food....

I have children...it doesn’t cost hundreds to provide their basic needs

@devilishlygood I just can’t understand why women would excuse men from being mean and stingy by saying the CMS calculation is ‘half of a child’s costs’ because it isn’t. It does not weigh up what a child needs, and poor kid everyone else will be going on the school trip and her Dad just doesn’t care. He’d rather punish the OP.

So common too.

devilishlygood I think your post provides good evidence that your ‘didn’t do me any harm’ might not be that true...

Hahaha CMS being a true reflection. It's the biggest joke ever!

My sons maintenance is paid erratically via a DoE order and is so minimal that it doesn't even cover a 3rd of my child's basic monthly needs. It doesn't take into account any unexpected costs that always seem to crop up. Meanwhile his dad (who 'can only afford' what he is told to pay by the CMS) is going on 4 holidays a year, regular weekends away, weekly flying lessons, need I go on. And for perspective my son doesn't even get monthly maintenance anywhere near the cost of 1 flying lesson! It's hard to not be bitter when you are left constantly struggling but they feel because they pay what they are told they are doing their bit.
Now i adore my child, I do everything I possibly can to give him wonderful memories, but I would love to be able pay the same amount of money towards him every month!

I actually dread when my DS school trips get more expensive. I already feel the pinch when school are constantly asking for money. I pay nearly half my monthly wage out on debts my ex left us with. All his but sadly in my name so it is not about not being able to budget at all.

Id be so annoyed and upset too OP. He sounds like an arse hole though and has probably loved being able to say no, knowing that it cannot be forced out of him.

This is what annoys me about maintenance. Unless you have a mutual agreement it really is the bare minimum and let's face it, as kids grow they get more expensive! Unless the paying parents circumstances change, let's say you get the same amount each month until they are 18. How is that ever going to be comparable to what the resident parent has to pay out over the same period.

@devilishlygood I disagree that missing out on trips does children no harm. My sister and I were brought up by a single parent who received no maintenance. The school ran a language exchange program but my sister and I knew our mother could never afford it so we would throw the letters from school away without showing them to her so as not to upset her.
I in particular was good at languages and it would have really benefited me. I don't blame her in the slightest but I want more for my own child and it saddens me that her father disagrees.

I don't think it's a "twatty posh farm" either. A PP above knows the scheme and said how valuable and beneficial it is.

Lastly I don't "blame" my ex for my not being able to budget. I can budget perfectly well and will pay for the trip. I certainly haven't mentioned anything about this to my DD and I haven't replied to my ex's email as it will just please him to know I'm upset.
He will hear that she is going anyway, will know that I am paying for it all and I hope deep down he will feel a little shame at his behaviour.

@devilishlygood I don’t want my children to miss out or have a tough time because they have a deadbeat dad. These men need to do better for their children, and I don’t agree with you that children just need to suck up neglect, because that’s what it is, usually out of spite or some ingrained patriarchal narrative that they can now opt out because they are these poor hard done by victims. This is my scenario anyway and I know I’m not alone.

It’s financial abuse OP pure and simple, and it’s disgusting.