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Lone parents

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Original poster

Should I tell my ex’s new partner this?

16 replies

Debbierocket123 · 28/10/2019 10:49

I wasn’t sure what thread this should be in so bear with me... I broke up with my ex last year because he was abusive. He locked me out the house, pushed me down the stairs and threw a glass at my head and this is just an example of one event. I contacted the police and he has been given a warning. Now I’ve moved on and so has he but it concerned me that he is now dating someone with two young children and I hate the thought of them being exposed to a man like this. One side of me thinks it’s none of my business and another side feels I need to warn her about him. What should I do? Any advice would be appreciated

OP posts:

Sparklfairy · 28/10/2019 10:52

No. 1) none of your business 2) you'll look like the crazy ex who is obsessed with him 3) like it or not he will date/be with women for the rest of his life and you can't go policing every one of them

namechanger0987 · 28/10/2019 10:55

She won't believe you if you tell her and it will probably just cause your ex to get angry with you.

If it was me though I would really like to tell her but I think I would maybe send an anonymous letter or just a message and say something along the lines of not causing trouble and it's your decision but just wanted to let you know this info... or if it was reported to the police could you not just send her a note to tell her to check Claire's law

AnnaNimmity · 28/10/2019 10:59

She won't believe you and even if she does, she'll ignore. I speak from experience - my ex was violent, I told the OW and even though she has a baby (and in fact told me he had been violent to her too), inexplicably she has ignored me. In my case police and SS know about me and SS were very concerned. Still, you have to step back.

I will never understand how someone can put a man first when they have children. How can they love the child? How can they?

But yes, from experience don't get involved.

Sorry it happened to you. I think I'll be affected by it for a long time.

ISmellBabies · 28/10/2019 11:02

Why not call ss and then if they have concerns about him being around her children given his violent past then they can contact her? Someone should do something to protect those kids.

NWQM · 28/10/2019 11:27

Do you know anyone in common who it might come better from?

I honestly don't know the answer to this but if she used one of the often quoted processes like Claire's Law does there have it be a conviction? Would she be told that you - well someone - has made a complaint? If so you could drop her a note suggesting she checked?

I'd love to say to you - yes, good for you for looking out for someone but if you did try the direct approach to her I can't see it going well. He'll deny it, you'd be seen at jealous and she probalay wouldn't believe you.

Original poster

Debbierocket123 · 28/10/2019 12:44

Thanks for your advice so far. There isn’t a police record of anything he did because he didn’t cause physical bodily harm to me so they let him off with only a verbal warning. It was hard to go back to living with someone who I knew was capable of harming me and it was just a waiting game to see when he would one day flip. I’m glad I’m out but it kills me that he could do that to someone else and potentially young children.

OP posts:

PumpkinP · 02/11/2019 01:45

I always wonder why people want to do this? You can’t monitor him forever and he IS going to get into new relationships (you can’t stop him) so are you going to contact everyone he gets with? Would become very tiring, if there is no record then I doubt she would believe you. Just move on and forget about him, he is not your problem anymore, my ex was violent, but I’m not gonna warn every woman he gets with, I don’t keep tabs on him and have no idea whts he is doing with his life. How do you know who he is dating out of interest?

KnowMenClature · 02/11/2019 01:51

This is the point of Claires law, to protect other women and dc.

They do deserve protecting, the old and the new.

Noone should be oblivious to previous reports of harm, psychological, or physical.

Your ex could have severely disabled you, or kill you.

Tell the police and ss that you have grave concerns for their welfare.

You can do no more

Do not approach either of them though. You are safe now.

KnowMenClature · 02/11/2019 01:52

Clairs laws is violence convictions though.

SpinneyHill · 02/11/2019 01:52

If I was dating a man with a history of violence I would want to know, if he does fuck up and SS get involved the consequences for her kids could be quite damaging.

He may have only been given a warning but it will be recorded somewhere.

To those saying stay out of it, how would you feel if one of the kids got hurt?

SpinneyHill · 02/11/2019 01:54

@KnowMenClature gets it, whats the worst that could happen with an anon phonecall to the police letting them know?

Nothing is the worst case scenario.

Clares law matters and has likely saved lives we will never know about

PumpkinP · 02/11/2019 10:57

So is she gonna keep doing that for the rest of his/her life? How’s she going to keep track of who he is dating? Like I said my ex was violent to me should I start trying to find out who he is dating to warn them?

Original poster

Debbierocket123 · 04/11/2019 15:54

I hope you can understand why I am conflicted. I don’t want to approach her but imagine if something happened? Yes I was very nearly badly injured and only luck meant that I escaped unharmed. I don’t intend on policing HIM his whole life but really what harm would a warning do? What’s more important here? I’ve gone past caring what other people think I’m 32 now haha!

OP posts:

AnnaNimmity · 04/11/2019 17:08

It should still be on his record OP if someone does do a Clare's law disclosure. You don't need to be found guilty - just not innocent. My ex was not convicted of the offences, but his record was not clean.

I can see why you'd want to do it - but honestly, you won't be believed and it will just cause you more stress and could be even worse, because men like these get extremely angry if someone exposes the real them. They can't bear for their public image to be tarnished and that's very scary.

Eesha · 11/11/2019 06:42

@Debbierocket123 i agree with other posters, you won't be believed. My ex convinced me that his exes were drunk or scorned women hence volatile relationships. It was only when I was knee deep in things that I realised there was a big issue with him. I think all you can do is maintain that there is a viable reason why you and him are not together.

BertrandRussell · 11/11/2019 06:44

Yes. She won’t believe you, but she will remember when he starts on her so she might come to her senses a bit quicker.

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