Son wants to live with his dad

[LittleLadyFooFoo]

Hi there. I’m feeling quite sad as tonight my 16 year old son said he wants to spend more time at his dad’s (he’s already there Friday, Sunday, Monday).
His dad and I separated 7 years ago when he was 9 and his brother 5. Dad was living with depression and found things difficult so I became the main carer, with dad managing a day a week. As they grew older, dad managed to cope better and had them 2 nights a week (and alternate Sundays).
His dad and I get on well and we are flexible around holidays, etc.
Tonight, after a weekend at his dads he said he felt more relaxed there. Think this is mainly due to no expectations whereas he has chores at our house as I work full time (dad works part time).
I have a partner who has a 17 year old daughter who stays with us some weekends. We all get on fine. My partner is quite house proud and will ask all kids to tidy up whereas dad does all for them at his house.
Not sure what to do. When I spoke to him tonight he realised I was upset and said all was fine. I want him to be happy. I love him so much and we've always been really close. What would you do? TIA

Is your partner living with you and your DS full time? Is he too pushy?

There isn't much you can do, LittleLady. Your son is 16 and can live where he chooses.

You won't be losing him, he'll still come home to you. I can see the attraction of him living with his dad as it would just be the two of them, a bit like a house/flat share - but your boy will know who his mum is.

That sounds so hard. But at 16, you're on a hiding to nothing telling him no or trying to change his mind. You can either be sad and angry with him or plaster on a smile and tell him he's always welcome at yours night and day. Because he'll do it anyway or else be a big ball of resentment that he was told no. Hugs though because it's understandable that you're probably feeling rubbish about it.

BillHaders - yes he’s with us full time however they get on as same sense of humour. He can be a bit pushy around things like helping towards tidying eg emptying their bins, not leaving plates in their rooms. My son did say ‘it’s less hassle at dads”

Bluerussian - thanks for your reply. My other son who is 12 stays over at their dad’s too. Also his girlfriend is about to move in with her two children, so it won’t be too quiet.

Hi. Its similar here. I have rules. Their dad doesn't. My son has younger siblings here and he hates the fact I make him stop shouting into his xbox at 10pm! I hand on my heart have to just let my son go. I said when he finished school so long as he can get to college. I really dont want him to live there but probably the only way he can find out grass isnt greener.

I dont think asking kids to tidy up is pushy.

Bluebird - you are right. Last night I tried to say it was his choice. The thing is that a few weeks back he said he didn’t like being at dads as he makes him study all the time. I’m wondering if it’s my partner that’s put him off. Not sure what to do as kids come first.

It's hard. My partner likes everyone to be tidy because we rent and previously incurred charges. So I know my son hates it as he wants to just be a caveman. :(

Kids do come first but there is a time they start to make own choices and you need a life too x

Skye, it sounds like you are in same boat. Yes, I agree that dad has no rules and let’s them do their thing. Whereas here, we both work full time, and expect everyone to chip in. My partner has a different parenting style from me - he says I’m too soft but my kids are good kids and never needed much telling off.

Its similar here and my partner saw me struggle as a single mum so he just wants to make sure everyone does their share but yes their dad pretty much let's him do what he wants. I am sure things would change if my son was there full time!

Let him go....once girlfriend and younger kids move in he'll be back. Do not lower your standards just to accommodate a teenager who doesn't want to pull his weight.

Skye - just read your Xbox comment - made me laugh. Their dad does do more with them such as sports, etc but I take them on great holidays so it balances out. Maybe I need to let him try it out. He is more of a mummy’s boy so to speak which is why it surprised me.
The other thing is dad just extended his house to accommodate his girlfriend moving in, so my kids are both getting new bigger rooms. Could have something to do with it!

Mumdiva - you could be right - when girlfriend moves in he’ll soon be back. She has two girls the same age as my boys.

Nothing is ever set in stone. You already said a few weeks ago he didn't enjoy spending time at his dad's so maybe in a few more weeks, he won't again.

I think it's brilliant that your son feels so loved by you both that he has two loving homes to live in and enough confidence to talk to you openly about his feelings surrounding both. I didn't feel like I belonged anywhere when I was 16 so I left home altogether!

Let him decide, and let him know you'll support whatever he chooses and he can always change his mind again if he wants.

Guarantee he’ll be back the millisecond the girlfriend and her two daughters move in. Let him go and you’ll get all the credit for being supportive, and have him back very very quickly

I think it would be best to say to him that both homes are open to him. He can move back and forth