Do I have to?

[Whoknows11]

Hello!
I have 2 children and a court order which says the children live with me their mum and see their dad regularly.

Long history of their dad harassing, bullying, intimidating and trying to control me. As from this we don't get on even though I've spent years trying to and still do to keep the peace.
Myself and our children (they're primary school age) are going away for half of the half term and this does not affect the time they spend with their dad.

The eldest is missing a day off school as it'll be too far to travel after school with the expected half term.traffic it would mo doubt take us hours to get there. My ex has got wind that we're going away (UK based) and wants to know why I haven't discussed it with him.

Have I been out of place not discussing this with him or is it none of his business where we go or what we do when the children are with me?

Also as a parent I've made a judgement and thought it in their best interests to miss a day from school. Our son is very bright, will not struggle for missing one day and the teacher has given me the work he would have missed.

Any views welcome please?

I have a lives with court order which allows me to take my children abroad for up to 28 days without their father's permission so I'm sure this would be ok.

@schoolcook yes our order says the same.

We aren't going abroad, just staying in the UK.

Thank you for your reply.

That's ok.
That's what I meant - if you're allowed to go abroad for 4 weeks then half a week in the uk should be no bother and it's just your ex stamping his control.

Enjoy your break.

@schoolcook thank you.

It's the taking our son out of school for a day I think he's particularly annoyed at.

Do you know where I stand with this?

Unfortunately I don't because my ex has seen my kids once in 13 years so I've never had him challenge me (thankfully).

I'd suggest not telling him in future he doesn't need to know every little detail if he'll use it to control you.

If it is not impacting on his court ordered time with them then I would say no need to discuss. You are both entitled to make whatever parenting decisions you want to when your children are in your care as long as they are safe etc.

The only thing that could get tricky is your decision for one to have a day off school (bad traffic really isn't a great reason and a lot of people here would say you are unreasonable for that). He could say you are depriving them of an education blah blah but really, for one day that is not something you are going to go back to court for. I have seen many parenting orders that forbid either parent taking the children out of school for holidays, and others that say that the parents will inform each other if taking the children away from home, but it doesn't sound like your orders say that and at the end of the day that's what matters. If you were amicable co-parents you might mention it but where there is a history of control in a relationship I always suggest people don't get themselves into situations where one person feels they have the power to grant/withhold "permission". Tell him how much your kids are looking forward to their break and remind him that whatever decisions you have made are what you believe are in your children's best interests.

Sorry, thread moved on while I was typing a reply!

@schoolcook that sounds great for you but I guess sad for your children.

I haven't told him, I think he's heard from our children. Thought I could deny it but he'd speak to the school who'd confirm it.

I just feel controlled by him still and it's very exhausting.

@snowsinwater that's great advice thank you.

I know if I'd asked him or discussed missing the 1 day from school he'd disagree to it just to spite me. Hence why I don't feel I can discuss anything with him.

The going away part, no yanbu to not tell him, he doesn't need to know.

The keeping them off school I'm not so sure about though. As parents this should be a joint decision- especially as fines are per parent in theory you are getting him fined too - i know if its one day it shouldn't result in a fine if they haven't been off before but he might not know that.

I'm pretty against taking time off for holidays in term time though so that is probably influencing my feelings. Others who don't think taking days off to go away is a big deal probably won't see his side on this.

I'd like to add our eldest who is 9 has only missed 1 day of school EVER! So i don't feel missing school is an issue, especially as he's very bright and excelling in all aspects.

Yes no fines unless it's over 5 days. Doubtful he's worried about that Obama pay for pretty much everything anyway. The small amount of CMS he has to legally pay doesn't go far as you'll all know.

I feel this is more about control though which sadly most things are with him. Hence why I haven't discussed it with him prior.

Ha no idea where Obama came into it!!!

Was meant to say "as I"

If you ever did get fined (which you won’t for one day) he would also get one. It’s per parent, per child, so you both get £60 per child regardless of which parent is parent is taking them away

I think, as a general rule, children only need minimum information. That way they won't be discussing/ sharing arrangements with others.

Obama's paying towards your children's expenses? Lucky girl

The trip is definitely nothing to do with him. The day off school is a bit trickier as you are jointly responsible for your DS's education. Is there somehow you can tell him that it's all ok with the class teacher and that she has set work, but try to present it as a fait accompli rather than something you're waiting for permission for?

Yes I've spoken to the teacher and she's given work but said the class won't be doing much as it's the last day before they break up for half term.

I detest how he thinks I have to have his permission. I feel so trapped and controlled 5 years on. When will it ever end? I get weekly controlling, harassing and bullying emails from him.

You are not alone OP. If you look on the relationships board the frequent and consistent advice is to contact Womens Aid, do their freedom programme, read " Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft.
He is displaying very common abusive behaviour.
There are things you can do to lesson the impact on you and dc. Whst he will never do is change his behaviour.

@endofthelinefinally thank you. I'm sat in the car now crying as I just don't know how to handle it and it's affecting my life! I am going to ring them now x

Sometimes they are very busy and it can be hard to get through.
Keep trying.
Have a look at the relationships board too.

I wouldn’t expect to be informed of a UK break but I would expect to be consulted on any term time absence. Would you be ok with your ex taking your child out of school without informing you?

I wouldn't be happy no as our court order states he picks them up from school.

@endofthelinefinally thank you so much they have been amazing. Best advice I've had in years!

My partners ex takes their daughter out of school for 1/2/3 days every school BREAK (as in every time schools break up, so 6 times a year roughly?) to take her to the same place in Spain because her boyfriend has a holiday home.

She regularly accuses him of being controlling and abusive, when he asks her to at least run it past him first, but his daughters school attendance was sitting at 85% last year because of it.

She regularly pulls out the "it's my daughter and I'll take her out of school if i want to" "not being funny but I don't have to ask your permission"

But education is a co-parenting decision and if you're steamrollering over the other parent then you aren't co-parenting. It's hard for him to have to sit and watch his daughters school attendance fall and be powerless to do anything.

Our example is the extreme end, and doesn't sound like your circumstances, but just wanted to add another view...