Need help to explain divorce to DS1

[MyGhastIsFlabbered]

ExH and I split up 4 1/2 years ago. DS1 is now 9 and having some issues. Part of it is that he says he feels guilty for the divorce.

I've never explained the reasons for the split, it was because of exH's emotional abuse, because I don't want to badmouth their father. I've only ever said that sometimes grown ups stop loving each other, but reassured him that I'll never stop loving him.

DS1 has told me that ExH 'says horrible things' about me so god knows what he's telling him. But I refuse to stoop to his level. If I confront him the ex just denies saying anything.

I don't know what I can tell him to reassure him it wasn't his fault. I feel like I need to give him a 'valid' reason but I don't know if it's possible.

It's a tough one but I think mentioning the abuse likely won't help. I doubt a child will understand and even if they do they might not appreciate bad things said about the other parent and blame you for it.

Just reassure him that it's not about him. Tell him that you and his dad both love him very much and always will. Maybe try and open a conversation with him and see why he thinks it's his fault? It's probably natural worry but probably helps you deal with it if you can see why he thinks that.

I'd be tempted to explain that mum and dad don't love each other anymore but I'd also be worried that your son might thing that's proof you'll stop loving him too? Maybe someone else has advice on how they approached that particular part.

Make notes of anything your son tells you that your ex says, and when you have enough of it as evidence, approach him and suggest if he doesn't stop you'll take him to court to get him to stop trying to alienate you. It's maybe a bit heavy handed but it sounds like you already tried asking him nicely.