How do I deal with coparenting difficulties and breaches of court order delicately as NRP?

[FatherB]

I've tried to make things as easy as possible because there's still a lot of hostile emotions between me and my ex. However, I also want to be in my daughters life and I am there consistently with contact due to increase.

Now, the problem is if I push back too hard i'm worried contact will be stopped completely.

So the agreement is that we will meet in x every fortnight, but I keep getting asked to meet in ex's home town once a month at least. This is a much longer journey for me, but i'm not completely against it as an occasional thing. The problem is that it's not an occasional thing and it's not proposed as a question, more as a statement.

Beyond this, 2 of the last 3 fortnightly visits have become once in three weeks, because my ex was not able to find a third party to join her for handover. Now I don't mind that she does this, it was proposed in court but isn't part of the court order, and the proposal was "as long as it doesn't affect contact" which it is doing. So I have effectively lost a weekend, plus with my daughter being very young, she forgets me sometimes between long visits. She remembers very quickly when I play with her but that initial blank express or wariness is heartbreaking.

The agreement currently is for 2.5 hour visits but by march this is set to become 6 hour visits. My daughter usually naps around 2pmish but visits keep getting booked for 1pm even though i've made objections to this. First problem with this is it's unfair for a 2.5h visit to be occupied with either a napping child, or an extremely tired irritable child. The whole reason for these shorter visits is to build a relationship for the longer visits so my daughter and I both feel comfortable, happy and are able to make the most of them, but this relationship building isn't happening anywhere close to optimally right now. The second problem with this is that when the visits become 6h visits, 1pm-7pm is a terrible time for a child so young to be out. Her bed time is around 6-7pm, and with her having to get home after that too (i don't drop her off at her house) it won't work. So by march the visits will have to be in the morning anyway, so my ex needs to find a way to make that work.

The actual breaches right now are the visits not happening fortnightly. However, the location is also potentially a breech because, although it hasn't been said, I know if I disagree with her home town as a location, the visit just won't happen.

Plus just general difficulties as pointed out above, and stuff like activities being booked in advance and agreed upon for the time to change and miss that activity. There is no communication directly with my ex, it's all done through third parties, and it's just difficult.

What can I do/should I do? If I just suck it up, it's only going to get worse but if I act out it might end everything completely and require family court again.

I would go back to family court and get it sorted formally. Good luck

It is sorted formally in family court. There is a court order in place, it's just a combination of not being followed properly (with the missed weekends) and not being followed in good faith (with just generally being difficult and forcing me into meeting in locations with unspoken threats)

I'm the one with full custody and my ex started off seeing ds in my house with my mother present, then he started taking him for 45 mins as ds didn't know him and was so unsettled everytime he came home, then after court it was increased to a 4hr visit and that genuinely threw ds completely out of routine, he stopped sleeping, wouldn't eat for his dad and screamed crying everytime he came home, the 4hr started in April and in the last few weeks he has started coming home happy and fed and is just starting to sleep better. This week I allowed an extra 4 hour visit because trust has been built. If you went back to court and asked for something like an increase in a gradual way because you're afraid of upsetting your child it will stand to you. This wasn't the case for ds dad, but its what's working now. If you agree on set dates throughout the month in a set place at a set time and review it every few months or so and both parties sign it then it can't be changed unless permission has been given by both parties. I could never say no to changing days without an arguement even if I had something planned, I had to cancel my plans, now I can say no and no arguement is allowed and it has worked out so much better. Ds is happier when he sees his dad which makes me feel more relaxed and happy so you need to prove that your child is being put first and by the sounds of it in your post you just want a healthy bond with your child.

I do, I really want to just build trust and prove that all I want is a good relationship with my daughter and no hard feelings. Trust is building slowly, and it will be thrown away if I go back to court, but at the same time i'm compromising and doing all I can whilst they're dictating and backing out of agreements. There has to be a middle ground it's just tough to find one.

Have you tried mediation? I was angry at first about the whole going to court thing but then I sat and had a think about things properly and decided if he was going to court he must care. I think jumping from 2.5 hrs to 6 hrs is too much so if you suggested a gradual increase in the months coming up to it, even 10/20 mins at a time. Going to court can be daunting to the mother but if you're not being horrible and you're respectful then I don't see the problem, she can't change her mind if and when she likes, an agreement is an agreement so I personally would go back if I was you (my ex was horrible and was using court as a threat but has since decided to grow up and become an adult). Mediation could definitely be a better and less daunting thing to try though, you both get a chance to speak your mind once you're respectful to each other and try to compromise and come to an agreement.

If it gets to that point I would suggest mediation first but I doubt it would be accepted.

I've had some stern but fair (and respectful) words today and hopefully that's taken the right way and not used as fuel for the fire.

I just want to be in my daughters life, I really struggle to see why it should be so difficult. I've show how much I love her, and how good I am with her. It's hard just sitting here, looking at pictures of her and thinking of her knowing every visit is practically out of my control and i'm no doubt going to be painted as the bad guy as she grows up. Ah well /rant hopefully it just sorts itself out peacefully.

I think maybe you could ask how your daughter is when she goes home and how she sleeps the night after you've had her and stuff like that and show a genuine interest. Your daughter could be really clingy with her mother at home but a completely different little girl when she's with you but her mother wouldn't see that so it could be hard for her to let go and she's going the wrong way about it, there's a few different approaches to take so you could try them all first. The using facts approach, the understanding approach and the compromising approach. I hope things work out for you.

Thank you, that's a good idea. I do ask about her, but since all contact is going through third parties i'm not sure if anything like that is even being passed on. Technically there's no court order or binding agreement to say I can't talk to her directly but I agreed that I would until she's ready as a sign of good faith, so i'm not sure if breaking that would really give the impression i'm hoping for.

I'll keep plugging away as best as I can! Thank you Mamabear, it's nice to have someone to discuss it with!

Why is all contact through a third party? Why does she not want to meet you for handover without a third party?

She claimed emotional abuse and coercive behaviour.

There were a few traumatic events in the year leading up to the breakup and I just don't think we dealt with our emotions properly and the relationship broke down but neither of us wanted to admit it.

There was no evidence of actual coercive behaviour or emotional abuse (because it didn't happen) so none of this is court mandated but I know she had a tough time and as much as I hate how she dealt with things she's still the mother of my child.

I figured if it helps her deal with things and can build up some trust so she knows that i'm just interested in being in my daughters life then it's not a big deal if there is a third party there for handover or not, plus it indirectly protects me from any false claims in the future.

The third party is just members of her family or friends who are free at the time.