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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Lone parents

advice -this will be long

14 replies

wirral · 14/08/2007 23:49

Earlier this year my ex and I went to court regarding access to our daughter. I never wanted to refuse access and had no reason to deny access but as ex works shifts he was adamant that he wanted to see daughter everytime that he was off work. As I work full time this was difficult to organise. I also felt that daughter would benefit from some sort of routine , she's 8. We agreed that he would have her mid week overnights - Monday to Wednesday morning. We started this routine and daughter reacted really badly - claimed she was ill, stopped going to school and stopped wanting to see her Dad at all. This was resolved via mediation - mid week overnights were stopped , ex can have her overnight at weekends when he can and picks her up from school and returns her at 6.30pm Mon, Tues and Fri.

Ex insists that he wants half the holidays. Daughter wont go to his for 2 weeks in a row so Ex devised a rota showing Mum and Dad on particular days of the week. For example Tuesday of this week shows Dad, Wednesday shows Mum. Naively I supposed from this that I would have daughter all day on the Wednesday and so arranged the day off work. Ex has now stated that he is returning daughter at some stage of tommorrow but wont give me a time.

What to do? Does any of this make any sense? I am so fed up. I really can't imagine living the rest of my life with this kind of hassle

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liliac · 15/08/2007 01:54

Maybe you should say to him, that while you appreciate how you have both gone out of your way to accomodate your daughters needs and his sometimes, just sometimes the two of them should try and accomodate yours. Actually maybe that is to sarcastic.

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wirral · 15/08/2007 08:35

Do you know that's a little how I feel. Probably about time I got myself a life

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MamaG · 15/08/2007 08:36

Do you have a court order? Is it a defined court order, i.e. saying "from 4pm on tuesday..." etc

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wirral · 15/08/2007 10:00

Not that defined unfortunatly. Just he has one week and I have the other. Do you think it's worth contacting a solicitor again?

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Surfermum · 15/08/2007 10:10

My advice would be to try to avoid getting solicitors and courts involved, as they can cause so much animosity. If you can sort out something this complicated between you, there's no reason why you can't sort out a routine that you're both happy with.

It's not unreasonable for both parties to want to know dates and times when each of you are having her, pick up times, drop off times etc. If there's confusion then that's when conflicts might occur, so it makes sense for it all to be written down and agreed by both of you.

It's not really fair on you to just say he'll drop her off "at some point". Of course you both need to know what the arrangements are. Could you just talk to him and explain that you've taken a day off and can't plan anything as you don't know what's happening and suggest that so both of you know where you are you arrange set times in future?

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beller · 15/08/2007 10:11

hmm not sure what to say...although to me it would seem thats your daughter isnt getting much routine at the moment, as she is back and forth quite alot? Really difficult i know...Hope you can sort it out . Good luck xx

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pirategirl · 15/08/2007 16:53

Hi,
I've a friend whose son is 8, and he ended up getting tired and miserable with the 'routine' imposed mainly by his father, so that his father cuold see him more.

Whilst my friend had no problem like you with the access, in the end it was disrupting her and ds's week so much that she has now gone back to weekend visitation.

Her ex didn't like it, yet at the end of the day for what ever reasons the split has happened i think it's fairer on the child, for that child to have a relaxed week, esp when at school. Plus at the end of the day, the one parent who is the main carer is bound to have more time with the child, becuase the child lives there.

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Lorayn · 15/08/2007 17:06

Am I right in thinking you have custody and he has access? If so I wouldn't allow him to dictate to me when he was having DD, how would he feel if when he was meant to have her on the Tuesday you were 'busy' doing 'stuff' til 4pm??? He is being just as unreasonable, and unfair to both you and DD. Try talking to him, but if he doesn't listen make it clear you won't be messed around and seek professional help.

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pirategirl · 15/08/2007 19:31

thanks for your reply. I know it sounds tragic but I am assuming Ihave custody!!

We are divoced, and the staement of arrange ments for our dd is that she lives with me. We share parental responsibility though, whic means we have to both agree on major decisions in her life. Schools, religion, that sort of thing.

I am contemplating wether to indeed speak to a solicitor again, yet having been downthis road before, all it comes down to as a written agreement,whic h we do have. Unfortunately, as many of us mums know, there is no ruling for pig headed behaviour, or childish reactions.

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pirategirl · 15/08/2007 19:32

biggest apologies, I have answered onthe wrong thread, sorry op, my sitch is similar, i do apologise.

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Tinkerbel5 · 17/08/2007 14:36

wirral you dont want your daughter to grow up by a rota, it will make her seem like an object that has too be managed on a daily basis, it needs to be more relaxed, from what I have read above your daughter dont know whether she is coming or going. I think you both need to sit down and come to an agreement that benefits your daughter, she needs to have a bit more stability in access visits, like mon to fri stays with mummy, friday to sunday stays with daddy (for example), if she dont want to go with daddy for 2 weekens then dont force her, if you ex has her best interests at heart then he will listen to what she wants, not just what he wants, good luck

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wirral · 17/08/2007 16:55

Thanks all. Am really fed up at the moment. He returned daughter on Wednesday 15 mins late - just enough time to get me worried that he was keeping her all day. It appears that he has also bought her a Nintedo WII whilst she was there. I can't compete and just feel like giving up. He may as well just have her all the time. Daughter doesn't deserve to have to stay with weepy, depressed Mother. Perhaps she would be better off with happy Daddy who can afford to lavish her with gifts.

In addition to this he has informed me that he is going on holiday in September and so cannot pick daugher up from school on his Monday and Tuesday. I work fulltime and have no idea how I am going to manage to leave early on 5 nights of that week.

Am so so so fed up

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Tinkerbel5 · 17/08/2007 18:42

wirral dont be so hard on yourself, gifts cant replace love and the more he buys her is the less that you have to spent , as for the leaving early for 5 nights, what about not taking a lunch break those days to make up for it, or build a few hours up in advance.

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Surfermum · 17/08/2007 19:43

Oh Wirral {{hug}} (not sure if you're a cyber hugger but have one anyway). You don't have to compete. I agree with Tink, it isn't about what you can buy for her. You sound like a lovely mum and you and she sound really close. That is what is important and what will matter to her. Don't let it get you down.