Do I tell him who his dad is?

[Benjica]

I have 3 children and all to the same dad, when I found out I was pregnant with the youngest I had split from my ex and he made it very clear he was not interested in having another child (he has 4 including mine). I met someone and had a relationship with them and they forced the role of being a dad to my boy onto me, but was never interested it was all for show for him. This was an abusive relationship and when I finally plucked up the courage to leave I had been with him 5 years. We left 2.5 years ago and have never seen him since. The youngest now 6 has broken down this weekend and admitted he wants a dad. He wants to know who his dad is and I cannot face telling him. His dad only sees one of his 4 children. My eldest has no interest in him, the middle ones sees him, he had another child after he left me and he signed him over for adoption. Obviously he is a complete waste of space, but do I tell my boy now who is dad is and watch the hurt when he picks his brother up, or do I wait till he is older and hope he understands more. I have approached his dad, and he apparently is not ready for more kids.

I do have a new partner but will don’t live together and while he is willing to step into the dad role, I’m not sure this is the answer and I feel things need dealing with, I’m just not sure how

Why on earth does he pick his brother up and not him?? That's bang out of order. Have you spoken to your ex and told him what he's said?

Unfortunately he won’t care, he is selfish! He has only started seeing the middle one since he got older and doesn’t require as much attention. He didn’t even message the eldest on her birthday, his response was “well not being funny but she didn’t message on my birthday”. He has no interest in a relationship with the youngest and has made it very clear

I don't think it's possible for him to "understand more when he's older"- I'm 42 and don't understand how he can be so cruel or why you allow one child to be picked up but not the other two. Your eldest may say that they have no interest but I'd bet that he had an opinion on his Dad's actions which are appalling.

I understand why you don't want to tell the 6yo the truth- it will affect his self esteem and relationship with his brother but I think that keeping it from him will lead to more anger than the amount of anger knowing now.

The eldest decided a long time ago not to see him, before the youngest was even born, she saw him for what he was. The middle one wants to see him so I won’t stop that as I’m not that sort of parent.

I have spoke to the school today and arranged to get a counsellor involved so he can be told and we will try to work through his feelings about it all.

I want him to be happy and feel loved, he doesn’t need his “dad” to do that and hopefully we can help him see that

And yes the eldest who is 17 hates her dad for what he has done to her brother