Does your ex do their best to 'rub your face in it' and make you feel like s**t any time they can?

[PatienceLong]

How the hell do you cope with it?
I've struggled on my own with our four children for years!... I've not had the time or energy for a relationship of my own, I work alot so wanted to spend any (rare) spare time with my children... so he thoroughly enjoys throwing his romantic weekends away etc in my face.
He will text me random messages, carefully and casually throwing in 'did you remember I'm away next week so won't be having the kids over for tea (again)' I don't ask why or where etc as I know it ALWAYS leads to him telling me ALL about how he's taking his girlfriend to Florence, New York, Spain etc etc etc... Knowing full well I work full time trying to make ends meet, I haven't got anyone to take me away, and just occasionally he'll pat me on the head and say "don't worry - you'll meet someone who'll take you away one day"
If he's ever bored he texts me and does his best to get any kind of conversation going... He'll bring up our past, his regrets etc... I occasionally 'engage' but mostly remind him it's been 10 years, and he needs get over it. He has tried it on with me many times, despite the fact he has a long term girlfriend - I obviously tell him off. I caught him 'flirting' with a co-worker on a busy high street, where anyone could have seen him!
He's just dropped the kids off early today as he "has to get back - I'm taking *** away for the week" Not even checking he's ok to do so, because, well, obviously I won't be doing anything of course
I don'y mean to rant - but I really have endured years of him casually telling me/showing me his new huge house he just got with his new girlfriend, or their new sports car, or how he's whisking her away to lovely places etc... while he knows I'm either at work, or at home on my own, quite often cleaning up after sickly kids.
He clearly gets something out of making me feel small and alone...
How on earth do I take control over this situation, when I literally have no control of any of it. Why does he want to continuously rub my face in his life?
Do I feel worse because I don't have anyone in my life other than my kids (which I wouldn't change at all!).
Advice would be so thankfully received! X

I would just send a message stating that you will only reply if it's directly to do with the kids and that maybe his friends/family would appreciate the other messages he sends more. Then don't engage. He wants you to be jealous so don't give him the opportunity.

Just ignore anything that doesn’t relate to the kids.

Remind yourself what a nob he sounds.

Dont engage unless its arrangements for the DC.
Get a separate phone
Seriously why are you engaging in conversation with him?

Completely ignore him. Other than getting a firm contact schedule in place. Then there's no need for him to "tell" you when he can't have the kids, as he'll need to fit his time away around it, and you'll have guaranteed time for yourself.

Well he can't drop kids off early if you aren't there. And it's entirely possible to be in and not answer door!

I think he'll see these texts as to do with children though so I'm not sure that'll work.

Maybe a final text of "all arrangements re timings should be agreed via email form x date. Once an arrangement has been made you need to stick to that - including pick up and drop off times"

I feel the same op he doesn't drop kids off early but he does often go on about his latest girlfriend
I have no advice but you're not alone x

I tried the contact schedule thing - it worked well, problem is the kids are now 19, 17, 14 and almost 10... he negotiates directly with them now when they want to see each other, my two eldest rarely go to see him anymore, they have little respect for him (shockingly), but my girls go every other weekend, and you can bet that's when he arranges his days/weekends away with his gf, I have said in the past how he has plenty of time for his gf, why always arrange his trips when he's supposed to have the girls, his response - "I've spoken to the girls and they're fine with it".
He is a nob yes!... honestly - i'm a serious push-over, I am aware I seriously need to get my sht together and stop being such a door matt... he is a master at working people, and has a way of engaging me in conversation, making it sound like he's fed up and sorry, before i even realise I've been sucked in, until I ask him to help with the kids at some point and he never can as he's 'busy' and we don't hear from him again til he's due to see the kids, and then i'm pi*ed at myself again for being sucked in - this cycle continues - wth am I such a predictable and reliable sucker!
He has a friend who lives on the Isle of Wight and I always wanted/hoped he would take me there to meet him and his family and have a holiday there - he never did... always an excuse why he couldn't. He just thoroughly enjoyed dropping "that's where i'm going this week - and taking 'gf', we can't wait". I truly have done nothing but be as amicable with him as possible since we split... why is it ok for him to try and make me feel so small...
I appreciate he is clearly seeing my 'amicable' as 'doormat'... but my being a pushover has kept things easier for my kids, so I don't regret that, however now they are getting older, I really am starting to feel more and more pi**ed off

Thank you bluebunny - it does help to know I'm not alone X

Does he reschedule for the kids, or just cancel?

Tell him to stop arranging contact with your kids. A 10 year old shouldn't be negotiating contact days. And next time he tells you he has rearranged, tell him you have already made plans and he'll need to make alternative arrangements - i.e. either arrange a sitter for the kids or reschedule his plans.

Get bloody angry OP. He's a massive twat.

Does he never take the kids away?

Op. You have to stop giving him responsibility for your feelings and reactions and try to take some control back.

The issue here is you still clearly care and are envious of the fact she's doing these things with him. Maybe some counselling will help but you also need to learn to move on and not care, so that what he does doesn't bother you.

You're not there yet. It's been ten years. Maybe it's time to seek some help to support you in moving on.

readitandwept he is a massive twat yes! And rarely takes them away, and if he does it's only a day or two/few days camping.
I agree bluntness - I am envious, but not of him or her time with him, but of the life he gives everyone, but never would me, that he can treat his current and past girlfriend in a way I always wanted and needed from him but NEVER got - that hurts!
I have had some very helpful chats with a friend who also happens to be a counsellor! - We agreed it's clear that my issue is - he lied/messed around/cheated (why I ended things) but he gets to travel, have new things, weekends away, time for new relationships etc, while I'm single, skint, tired etc (again -wouldn't swap and be without my kids though!). He plastered photos of his trip to new york all over fb one time and I had spent the whole weekend scrubbing vomit off walls and stripping beds and kids with sickness bugs! - difficult not to feel a little sore about it all sometimes.
I'm doing my best to move on a not care - but he clearly does his best to throw his life in my face as often as possible... how am I to get on with my life and not give a damn what he does, when he tries it on with me regularly, declares i'm the love of his life, then does his best to rub his 'life' in my face... 10 years!! Surely I'm allowed to have had enough by now! This is so unhealthy in so many ways

Take him off Facebook so you don't have to see pics. Remember he might have all of that 'stuff' but that won't ever buy the bond you have with your kids. It's clear the older ones see him for who he is. I'm guessing it will only be a matter of time before the youngest do too. Is contact with them court ordered or just as and when?

It sounds to me that it gets to you because you care and are envious. Perhaps each time he says about taking his girlfriend away etc you can remind yourself why you broke up with him and how much you really would dislike being stuck with him for that length of time.

My reading of this is that he’s not trying to make you feel small so much as make himself feel better about being such a monumental twat in the past and losing you and his role in the everyday lives of his children. All the boastful messages and updates on social media are a facade. Truly happy people have nothing to prove and no need to impress or seek attention from anyone.
His treatment of the younger girls though - it’s anyone’s guess what he’s thinking. It surely can’t have escaped his notice that his relationship with his older children has gone to shit?
Either way, not the brightest bulb in the box and no great loss to you by the sounds of things.

Ah thank you so much for this you guys... I was so fed-up yesterday, it really does get to me sometimes... as I'm sure it does anyone struggling with an ex!
I think you nailed it @Youseethethingis - he has very little to look back on when they where all young and be proud of - he essentially let us down regularly, and in almost every way you can let someone down...
Contact with them is just 'as and when' @BadgerBadgerMushroom - making it easier for him to do what he wants etc - they girls still just accept him as he is... it's sad that every time he lets them down, they don't even get upset anymore, they just roll their eyes and walk away... it does bother them occasionally, they go quiet etc.
I really needed other people's 'input' into this - you know how sometimes you can't see the woods and all that? The more I read these replies, the more I see what an epic f'ing doormat I've been!
How can I become such a giant pushover and not even notice?
I need all this to stop!!

You can start today :) no time like the present? Have you thought about mediation or court to get more regular time? I know it's money though. So bloody hard!

You can start today :) no time like the present? Have you thought about mediation or court to get more regular time? I know it's money though. So bloody hard!

Get on bumble 😊 (even if you don't meet, you can chat!) He sounds like he's still 'the man' in your life but only in a horrible way. You need a distraction!

Block him on your phone and move to email only.
You don't need anyone to "take you away" you can take yourself away. Plan nice activities and trips, things you want to do. Then when the restrictions ease you are ready.
I travel a lot with my DD, I'm not so saintly that I don't get a bit of a kick out of imagining my it irks my ex (it does irk him ) but you don't have to be as shallow as me, just get on and enjoy your life.

Control that which is within your control, ignore the rest...

A couple of things I did:

block all social media
block phone numbers
divert all emails to a separate folder.

I scan the emails from time to time, and only reply to things which merit a reply (i.e. directly concern contact). You can't change his behaviour i.e. bringing the kids back early, but you can stop yourself agreeing to random requests and letting him take advantage.

Over the years, I've grown to pity ex's superficial life - he may have lots of flashy stuff, lots of expensive holidays, endless money, huge house etc... but none of that means much at the end of the day. His relationship with his child is superficial .. tragic.