Going a bit mad

[thesongaboutsquares]

I've had enough. Of working full time in an extremely stressful job. Trying to be a good mum. I barely see dd. Tonight, as I was giving her dinner (and she threw it all over the floor as per usual), and I wondered for the millionth time why I bother.

Randomly as I had to wipe her face for the gazillionth time, I thought how much easier life would be if she had never been born. And how much easier my life would be if she wasn't here.

Please rest assured that I love her to absolute pieces and would never ever ever do anything to harm her, she is the light of my life. But as I thought about a life without her I felt calmer.

What the fuck is wrong with me? I live for this kid. She is my pride and joy. But her father has constantly caused me the worst pain and stress I've ever had to go through in my life. Thankfully he's gone now and has been absent for over a year. No-one knows where he is and I don't care.

But it kills me that he is off somewhere just continuing his life, doing whatever he does, whilst I am stuck here, working my arse off just to keep her in childcare. I have no life, I've been out three times of an evening since she has been born and she'll be two in November.

Needless to say he doesn't contribute - usual story with the cms, he scrounged off me for years and then suddenly went on the sick/unemployed. I KNOW he is working, I have proof in a court document but yet, he contributes £28 a month through collect and pay. Yet nothing can be done.

Ugh. Sorry, just typing out my thoughts. It's 7.30 and I am so tired I could cry. Not cleared up her dinner things, let alone got a grip on the washing. Just sick and tired of being me, I guess.

It does get easier as they become more independent. And start to become their own little people.

It is relentless. And thankless at times. But as they get older they become such good company. And you can start to get your own life back slowly.

You are doing a great job.

Thanks #unicornsarereal72

She is becoming her own little person, and I absolutely adore her, I really do. It's just got to the point where I get home from work. Have five minutes where I sort the washing/bins/her clothes for the next day, then back out to pick her up.

When inevitably I've not finished sorting stuff so she is shoved in front of the tv til I've cooked her dinner. Then it's bed and bath time. Then I sit on the stairs and cry about everything I have to do before I go to bed and have to wake up at 6 to do it all over again.

Then the weekend comes and all I want is some actual sleep. But again, no respite. I've not got any family really that can help (toxic horrendous mother who isn't interested). It's just so so so hard. You would think I'd be used to it after having been a single parent since she was born.... but no. Every evening it hits me that I have no-one. And all she has is me. Sick and tired of the responsibility and the grind

Am single mum work FT with a kid and no family or father support at all. It’s v tiring and hard . I feel for you. When I used to feel sad or running out of patience I would put my child in her cot and then sit somewhere and imagine my life without her if something happened. Before long I would feel so much gratitude that all love and patience would come flooding back. This really helped me. On a practical note - go to GP check you’re not depressed. Get organised - do team TOMM, ensure any bills are on direct debit if you can, even have a food shop delivered. Eat simple quick food. Do everything with the aim of using any spare time to relax when she’s sleeping or watching TV. I also used to ask local teenager neighbour to help if I needed to rush around doing stuff in the house - and just gave teenager a bit of pocket money. It’s the toughest and loneliest thing but they didn’t ask to be born, so we have to make best of it. It’s worth it - good luck x

It is so consuming. I can't imagine what it is like without having family nearby. I'm a single parent but have my mum round the corner. I know I am very lucky. The evenings are the worst. So very lonely.

I'm sure you have thought of this but don't feel guilty to book a day off and your daughter goes to nursery as usual. Sleep for half the day and do some jobs for the other half.

Thank you for your responses.

I am a bit floored this evening, been hit with a council tax bill for a place we used to live in l, and as far as I knew the council tax had been paid... unbeknown to me he had set up sort of 'special arrangements' thing with the council for the flat we used to rent.
I had absolutely no idea about this. Yet apparently I am liable for the £528. He's fucked off and left the country, although still within the Uk. Except apparently I am going to have to pay the money, unless I come to an agreement with him. I pointed out to the man on the phone that there are court orders in place to try and stop him from abusing me and our daughter. He was less than sympathetic.
So now somehow I need to find £528 to bail the fucker out. Again. As usual. Ugh

If you were near me, I’d invite you for dinner, we have chicken nuggets 😂.
I know it’s hard and absolutely relentless. They’re adorable, but even having a pee in peace looks impossible, let alone carving time for yourself!

Not sure where you are, but a hot date of chicken nuggets, that's basically the best night I've had in two years!

On my own with 2 kids (Age 3 and 5) and I can 100% relate. Last weekend I was so close to texting their dad and saying he should have them because I just can’t cope, but he’s so manipulative, compulsive liar I couldn’t send them off to him. It’s just so hard.

I work ft in a full on job but have no money (childcare). I never go out because I can’t afford it...and dating, well that’s just never going to happen. Awful ex is off running marathons, getting into shape, always out with friends. Feels so unfair

ChloeR81i have no words, you literally are owning this.
I can't cope with one, no idea how you do it with two... they are lucky to have you!

It’s actually really nice to hear from other people in the same situation. And you’re definitely totally smashing it too! It’s a hard gig.

I really feel you and you are definitely not alone. I've got a DS who is 2 in February and got family about 20 miles away but it's still fkn relentless... you never feel like you've got time to yourself do you, or otherwise you're sitting in every evening with too much time to yourself?! I'm sure this is the hardest bit right now... and yeah don't you just resent the loser that is their "dad", for all he doesn't do for them, and that it's your life that's got taken over. I wouldn't be without him though...

So we actually had a lovely day today... ran some errands, then took her to the park as the weather was fairly mild. Then her swimming lesson got cancelled so took her to a local garden centre, she got to run around, seeing the fish and getting to pick her own flowers...

I've just finished tidying up after her dinner and sorting the washing. Going to have a bath and do some sort of botched job of dyeing my hair. Can't afford hairdresser and let's be honest, I have no time!

Perhaps it's not all bad after all?