Ongoing abuse struggling to cope

[R2MA]

I’m really struggling to hold it all together. It’s 10m since by ex left and I’m trying hard to get my life back in track. It was only after he left that a counsellor helped me to see the emotional abuse I’d been suffering for years. Since leaving the texting, emailing was horrendous and I made the decision to ignore him. It’s hard and it hurts like hell even if I don’t reply. His constant judgement and telling me what people think of me has chipped away at me on the inside. I’ve kept up the ignoring and as a result things did seem to be getting better. Alongside this I’ve had a long drawn out court case which is exhausting emotionally. What’s tipped me over the edge is that he somehow always seems to be able to find out what I’ve been doing and uses this information to abuse me further, almost like “I know what you are doing always” making me question who or how he’s getting his info from. I feel myself retreating further from life to minimise his opportunity to have anything to use as a weapon against me and questioning who I can trust. This process is lonely enough. I know this is exactly his plan. If I told people about what he does it would seem so small and insignificant and they’d be saying stuff like “just ignore him”
Not sure what I’m asking of you just feeling so alone

Block him on everything bar email. Can you get someone to read the emails first and then only copy and paste the bit you need to respond to onto a fresh email?

This is extreme grey rock and it's what you need to do to stop his abuse towards you in this way.

I assume you need contact due to the DC, have you fixed contact?

Thanks we have an interim court order. We were due to have a final hearing a couple of weeks ago as he refused Cafcass recommendations but he threw in another curveball during negotiations and Cafcass recommended further reports as they were uncomfortable with the new info. We are therefore back to square 1. Kids are very mixed about contact due to his volatility. When he’s good it’s ok when he’s not it’s awful as such they report being frightened of him and confused. I’ve tried to keep him/me and them/him completely separate as he is still their dad but this is his primary route for abuse (he’s the victim despite him having the affair and leaving). He uses the kids, asking them questions about events which neither them or I have told him about and then they question me about how he knew (10y and 8y). It’s so subtle but so damaging.

Once you have fixed contact there is no need to read anything, he either turns up or doesn't...

It’s not that simple. There is so much pressure to “co-parent” from all parties, to put the kids first and I’m trying so hard to follow that advice. Both children have developed anxiety disorders so I’m constantly questioning myself and worry about their emotional safety (Cafcass acknowledges I’ve suffered emotional abuse but say there are no safe guarding concerns for the kids). Maybe I am part of the problem

You are not.

Detach detach detach, you cannot co-parent with an abuser.

Protect yourself and support the DC and best you can

Wow its like reading what i have been going through too. We have an order he sees our son 2 times a week 10-4 we only went to court in june the order states to only contact in emergency yet he contacts me constantly then makes me feel bad when i dont just yesterday asking if im on crack and telling me im stopping his bond with HIS son, all because hes now decided he wants over nights! It took 6 weeks for our son to stop crying when he went to his dads hes only 22 months old and not done much with his dad till the court date now his dad thinks hes dad of the year 🙄🙄 anyway im trying to ignore him too and also when its contact we meet in a public place, hes not allowed at my house due to DV this is what Cafcass said. All i can suggest is hang on in there block him out your mind when its not a contact time and just be civil when its contact. Its really hard i know esp when your made to feel your the bad one 😔 big hugs 😊

Thanks I’ve decided I need help. I’ve contacted various advice services today and I’m hoping to meet with a DV advocate who should be able to support me through the remainder of the court process (my biggest fear is that the court won’t listen to the kids and that I’m seen as alienating him despite me continually supporting measured/healthy access) I’ve never sought help with the DV because I’ve been so focussed on the kids and making everything better for them but I realise that they need me to be at my best which means leading by example and making use of the resources available to me. Today is day 1 of 1

Yes i did that i had councelling and help off the doctor it all helps and i have great friends round me that help. They read the messages i get and i vent to them instead of him maybe try that? Send a friend the message you would send him to get it out your system? Your doing right by your children thats all that matters 😊👍

Have you looked into a non molestation order? I'd consider that. You shouldn't have to live in fear like this tho I understand why you do. My ex was just like this at the beginning. He's fine now when he's with someone but when he's single he returns to his menacing ways. I feel for you- it's awful x

I feel so sad reading these messages, R2MA and everyone else. I have a very emotionally abusive Ex, went through the court (he refused mediation) he fought me for 50/50 custody and Cafcass were next to useless, kids were confused afraid of upsetting daddy and didn’t know what to say, the report was rubbish, same reasons, that whist they accepted he had controlled me and been emotionally and verbally abusive for years, wouldn’t work, just kept getting us in debt and lost our house in the end, the children were not at risk. 3 years on from leaving, two years from the start of the court process he gets worse not better. But I have learnt to manage his effect on me, what leaves me in constant fear is his impact on the emotional health of the kids but as they are getting older they are less afraid to say what they want and I am now considering going back to court to challenge the order and share the constant abusive messages and emails, but of course it’s all my fault isn’t it !!

I agreed to 50/50 after three hearings to stop the hell for the kids. I lost friends through the process because unless you have lived with a man like this you can’t understand how it feels or what he is like to deal with and I agree you can’t coparent with someone like this. I don’t try anymore, I share what I have to share to keep the kids secure and things working. Then I make sure the kids get what they need. It does kind of get better and the kids do adjust but be prepared that he will never change and grit your teeth for the longhaul !

Sorry you're going through this.

It's unnerving he always knows what you're doing... Have you checked your phone in case he's tracking you? Change all your passwords and get a phone shop to check for any spy apps. Make sure all your location settings are switched off in FB and Google.

I agree simplekindoflife, it can even be WhatsApp, knowing when you are online or still having the iPhone ‘find my phone’ on. I found my ex was seeing my family google account, as the kids have it on their tablets he could see searches I made, I also changed all my passwords. Not sure if they have phone access as that was the other way I found he was looking at their phone (they are supposed to use to call me but he never charges it now they are a bit older (10/11) they do it themselves) he can also ask leading questions so they think he knows but he doesn’t and mine became very anxious even if someone asked what they did at the weekend, so I have learnt not to ask what they did at daddy’s so they don’t feel questioned. Don’t shut yourself away it’s the worst you can do, but do chose the right people to trust as not everyone understands what it’s like to come out of these relationships.

Stay strong and focused on the freedom you have and make the most of the fact you can wake up without him every day, you will be stronger and happier for your DCs if they see you happy they will become happier over time

I meant to say before that you must remember that his leaving gave you your life back, you are survivor don’t forget that 😘

Thanks everyone, I'm feeling a lot stronger today having consulted my GP and knowing that I have the option of a DV Advocate - I'm definitely going to explore this more.
I also spoke to DC about how I'm feeling in an age appropriate way which means I don't need to pretend when times are tough. Accepting I need help and showing them that it's OK to ask has been liberating. :)

I immediately wondered if he has put a tracker on your phone/key logger on your laptop. Even consider whether he could have placed a camera or bug in your home. It does happen.