Dd16 is not a very nice person

[snop]

As it says in the title, dd16 has always had the best of everything.", was an only child till the age of ten. Then sibling comes along who she only engages with to fight.

Me and dp split up w few months ago and I am trying the best I can whilst working a 40hr week.

I've realised tonight that dd is not a very nice person, only speaks to me when she has to

Me as dp split because of his drinking habit, and I think she blames me for the family breakup

She has told me herself I should have just put up with the drinking as now it all m y fault that she is from a broken home.

I just want to cry as this is the hardest to

Sorry Ostend too soon

Posted

Thing I've ever had to deal with

Is is normal for the gggp

She doesn’t have to hide her feelings to be “nice”. Clearly there needs to be better communication with some empathy from your side about what she is feeling too.

Family therapy at this time might be ideal

Is is normal for the kids to resent the parent who is trying to do the best for them

Yes it’s normal after family break ups that kids become very conflicted about their feelings and try to point the blame at those closest to them

I’m sorry to hear about your issues. It’s definitely not your fault. Nevertheless, at 16 she’s already been through some tough times that many shape her attitude for a short while.

Also, it’s not always easy for a child to be alone for 10 years and then have siblings. Give her tIme. Be understanding from her pint of view and then I’d nothing changes in a year or two then toughen up your attitude.

I hope your ok, op. Just remember you’re doing your best and it’s not always her fault she can’t see that.

Don't worry about mistakes I understood. She is basically an adult, and while it's shit for you both she should be able to understand. I'd be very frank about your reasons and feelings. Encourage an open relationship but explain that your resilience is limited and that their will be consequences.

With my slightly younger kids (10-15) they agree the consequences and the rules that we have to abide by as a family. Eg everyone prepares the meals, we all sit and eat together. No phones at table unless you are alone. No one leaves the table until everyone has finished eating. Everyone clears it all away. No one leaves the kitchen under any pretext until it's all cleared away, washed up and put away.

Try agreeing rules and consequences that you will both live by.

I have let things go for months as I'm always making excuses for her behaviour towards me, everything I do is the wrong thing. It's all come to a head tonight as my aunt is staying over, she has heard the way she speaks to me and is disgusted. Aunt has said I'm doing her no favours making excuses for her

Sorry you are having a hard time.
Your dd is a teen, they are often not very nice to their parents especially. Eg only talk nicely when they want something. On top of this you are all under a lot of pressure and she takes it out on you.
Can I suggest you look at the teenage section for 'Is-parenting-a-teen-adversely-affecting-your-mh' it an old thread but good advice.
Take care of yourself, close your ears take some long walks and avoid confrontations and discussions.
Best of luck.

Thank you everyone, any advice is greatly appreciated x

It's easier for her to blame you than face the fact that her Dad is an alcoholic.

You did the right thing showing her that nobody should put up with another person's addiction. She may only understand once her Dad is sober and behaving like an adult or she finds herself in the same situation and realised why you made that decision.

My ex was a heavy drinker and the kids saw some incidents where he behaved outrageously. These days he doesn't drink or have a hangover when they visit so they get the best version of him. This is the biggest positive of us splitting When I just split with ex my dd initially felt very sorry for him even though his behaviour led to the split. She would be livid if her brothers mentioned anything vaguely negative about him. Now she realises that his behaviour was crap and that she's lucky to get a much better version of him.

I have a nearly 16 year old DD who also has a conflicted relationship with her Dad due to his alcohol consumption though we have been split for longer. She also does not like her Dad, I think, but sees him as he is her Dad. But she makes her only agenda for seeing him.
She did rage at me at various points and one of the things I learnt about it was she did this with me because she felt I was a safe person, I was going to always be there for her. Counselling did help her a lot and enabled her to create a relationship with her Dad that was her terms - he doesn't like this, but he has to accept it or lump it.
You have my sympathy from my experience you have to be consistent in what you expect from her, but also carve out special time for her and you. DD and I will go out to lunch together or just for coffee.