Honesty v "parental alienation"

[kitk]

DD is 8 and me and her dad have been separated since just before she turned 2 so she has no memory of us being together. Her dad was awful to me when we were together and has been worse since we split up and he's not in control anymore. He pays no maintenance but has stayed in contact with DD and things have been easier for last 3 years since we both met partners and settled down a bit. Trouble is he's just broken up with his and has switched his attention back to picking on me and making threats etc, though he is already in early stages of a new relationship with someone else so hopefully he'll lose interest.

My question is how to deal with the way he speaks to and behaves to DD as she's at a funny age. I can't stop him belittling the ex who was amazing or stop him introducing her to the new girlfriend etc but then she comes back from contact almost proud of him for having a new gf already and just accepting the ex is gone from her life. I'm worried he's making her think it's acceptable to bin people from your life etc. Me and DP model good behaviour and relationships and always treat each other with respect when she's with us but sometimes she says stuff that is just propaganda from him and I'm not sure whether I should correct her and then face his wrath for "trying to turn her against him" or letting her believe he's right. Examples are "dad said it's best he's not with you anymore as you weren't very nice to him," or "I can't understand why ex (who she prev loved) broke up with my dad. He only made her cry once..." I just want to scream he shouldn't have made her cry at all end you only saw once- that dsnt mean it didn't happen more...

I'm just a bit lost. I want her to have high self esteem and confidence but I also want her to treat people well.

Any advice?

Think you need some stock replies you can fall back on. Like saying that isn't how you remember things. Or people see things differently.

Or maybe question her questions. Such as do you think it's ok to make someone cry? Not in an argumentative way. But to help her explore his behaviour. And how that makes other people feel.

She can see good and positive relationship with you and your partner. And hopefully many others around her.

If agree, I often answer with a question “what do you think about...” “how does that make you feel..” For me it’s about teaching them to think for themselves, no different to any life challenge really. I refuse to be drawn into the game or to bath mouthing

It's not parental alienation to gently correct his lies about you and his lies and justifications for abusing another woman. Just make it brief, factual and age appropriate. Keep a detailed diary of times, dates, what she informed you that he told her and your exact, age appropriate response.

He is the one who is alienating, by telling lies about you (and female partners in general). Call it out, let him take it to CAFCASS and court. He won't.

Thank you to everyone who took the time to comment on this. I don't think he'd take me to court over it but I'm constantly terrified over him not returning her after contact. The responding with questions is a good point- I'd rather not say "that's not how I remember it" as she's a smart cookie and will push me for answers. On aibu, which is obvs not representative of Mumsnet in general, some people report feeling angry at finding out the RP wasn't open with them about the other parent. Where do you stand on that? Today DD said sth a bit negative about her dad and I changed subject then wondered after if I should have agreed with her (she was right!)

@kitk

I have had many conversations with one of my dc. His dad has made some mistakes in his parenting.

I have some standard answers when he is mad at his dad. 1. Is your dad does love you. 2. And he is human and makes mistakes. 3. And it's ok to be angry/upset/sad about it. Is I acknowledge what dc is saying. How they are feeling but don't wade in with yes your dad is ......

I wouldn't agree with her, I would comfort her - then document what he's done to/in presence of daughter and how daughter has reported it makes her feel.

This's child you can not confront her or question her unless you want to cause distress which doesn't always come out straight away.

You can have a conversation and not know that later in that night the dc can't sleep because their have been thinking about what you talked about.
I know this as the child and the mother of teens who have mixed feelings about the df.

I would and do treat it like I would any other issue, talk with examples.
If my ds said why did you leave daddy?
I would say that sometimes friendships change, like you and x at school do not play as much but you still like each other.

I wouldnt say I didn't leave him, he left us and was a controlling .........