Ex not helping with anything

[charley30]

Hi I’m split up with dd’s father for almost two years and no arrangement with money has ever been established . He was always like this and only gave money when he felt like it and even though he worked left me to pay most of dds way through school and other activities clothes etc . Never offered anything but made me beg for something towards things as he didn’t see the activities as priority. But to me these are as dd is an only child and the things she attends is a supportive network of friends and she excels at the things she attends otherwise I wouldn’t bother . I have always tried to provide opportunities for her development but ex has been even more difficult and continues to use money as control e even to dd as she is afraid to ask for anything as he gets angry . I only discovered over the summer when dd had t seen him for a few weeks and I tried to communicate this to him that she was upset I discovered he’d blocked me . I have no means of communicating with him re dds care or needs I only ever wanted dd to have the support of both parents but always had to make decisions on my own
As I had no support from him . The separation was inevitable after much unhappiness . I tried to encourage dds needs to be of the most importance but he has made it difficult from all angles as he will not speak to me and gets angry with dd if she asks for anything either a lift or money for something she needs . At the moment I’m pretty upset as Iv had a long summer of financial stress as he took himself out of the picture and I had to pay for everything needed over the holidays . Then into September and Iv paid for all of dds uniform and school things . It’s been relentless as a school is asking for money every other day for things . An opportunity to go to on a break for school has come up which dd would love as she has never been away on a holiday as I never could afford it and she told her dad a few weeks ago and he said he would pay the deposit of 150 pounds but he has been keeping her waiting up until the end of the month and dd is getting very stressed in case she doesn’t get a place on the trip . He told her tonight he thought he was only paying half of the deposit so 75 pounds and he won’t be able to pay it until he gets paid at end of month . And that I could pay the other half . But I was relying on him doing this stupidly as I paid for dance lessons and dds birthday with her friends as this was going to be sorted by him . Now I don’t know what to do . I’m so upset I feel like ringing csa in morning . He should legally be paying towards everything and Iv been so afraid to do it as he is so nasty . I’m so stressed over this and so is dd .

Contact the maintenance service, they'll communicate with him so you don't have to. If he contacts you directly to talk about payments and such or to rant, don't engage. Tell him your leaving the CMS to sort out the money side of things, he can speak to them if he has any issue.

It may be wise to manage your daughters expectations in regards to her father. I know it's unfair and neither you nor DD should have to do so, but it may be less upsetting for you both in the long run. For the time being take it that he isn't going to contribute willingly and take it into account when planning for or looking at how feasible future trips are. When CMS have sorted the payments then you can reassess the situation as, hopefully, the payments will be a more dependable form of financial support.

Thank you for that . I’m done waiting on him hel never do right by me or dd and I agree time to help her to see him for the father he is hurtful tho it is .

Your ex is a financially abusive dick. Contact cms today. Do not put up with his nonsense any longer. Could you contact the school and explain about the payment issue? They may have a hardship fund or could possibly extend the payment deadline.

CSA - straight away. You should get back pay as well

Don’t waste any more time expecting your ex to be reasonable. His actions have made it pretty clear that he doesn’t think he is responsible for contributing towards your daughter’s upkeep.

Fortunately the law is on your side here and you can put a claim into the CMS today. Please do that for your own piece of mind, it’s time for him to start taking his responsibilities seriously.

The claim only dates from the time you put it in. No back pay sadly.

Thank you I was thinking of ringing the school now and be upfront about the situation as I feel the trip would be beneficial to my dd well being and would like to get her a place but then I’m a responsible mature parent and of course he doesn’t think of the damage he does . Time to start telling people how it is and stop covering for his abuse

It’s my own fault then for trying to allow him to be a responsible parent . At least with your advise I know I’m
doing the right thing as the stress he has caused us us more damaging than any more abuse he can give us

I’ll bet it won’t be the first time they’ve heard this kind of story, OP..

I bet you are right ! He has also just started a new job and stupidly told dd that it would be better pay for him . I’m disgusted

Cms. And If he calls to shout just say ‘I thought you blocked me.’ Repeat, hang up.

timeisnotaline this is why I haven’t done it before now . He Can be very aggressive . I suffered years of emotional and financial abuse . I can see he is now doing the same to dd . As a responsible parent I can see the damage he is causing . Her needs are what is important to me . He does not think the same . I’m scared of what he will do to hurt me if I go ahead but I’m more scared of the damage he could be doing to dd . He does very little as a father . His needs have always come first . It all makes me very sad for dd . He will probably withhold any love he has for her as he will be angry at me despite the effects on her . He doesn’t care

Absolutely tell the school. They may have a discretionary fund for just such a situation.
As for the CSA, he needs to know that his actions have left you no option.Stress that it is for his DDs benefit only. If he gets nasty towards her , she does not have to see him, but at least her maintenance will be paid

Some key points - having been through / as am going through this, like so many others:

Yes - do not cover for him. I happily tell others how rubbish my ex is. It's the truth, I have nothing to hide. Just don't do it in front of DD. And, yes, schools have seen and heard it all before. Remember, this is not your fault - you are doing your best and you have nothing to be ashamed of.

Keep the lines of communication open - despite how rubbish and abusive he is, you have a duty to facilitate DD's relationship with him. The course that courts send parents on, is all about this - the course tells you to put your own feelings aside, forget past bad behaviour and try to communicate for the sake of your child... Bonkers when trying to deal with an abusive ex!! but you need to maintain and facilitate minimum communication even if he doesn't. I have been advised that, where ex's behaviour crosses the line, my steps to protect DD and me from that hurt (eg not responding to an abusive email), can be justified. ie sometimes it's ok not to listen to his nonsense but you need to be able to justify it.

You'll be fine, try not to worry - you have your priorities right!

Thank you ! Feel less alone now Iv started to open my eyes and realise he will never be the father he should be . He has no conscience. Waiting on school to ring me back here . And as for him starting a new job . He would have got some sort of redundancy from his last job for goodness sake Iv been so stupid

You have not been stupid, you were just doing what you thought was best at the time. Good luck with the school, I hope they can help. Straight onto cms after that.

Check with the school if there is some help. They often will have a charity or something that could be written to for help in such circumstances. Has your DD ever had free school meals or on free school meals if so she might be entitled to pupil premium which will help towards school things. It’s worth looking into and speaking to the school.