Contact arrangements not working for me but don’t know how to change it

[Bettalife]

Sorry, this is going to be long. Split with exh 20 months ago. 4 dcs age 12, 9, 7 and 4. Originally I suggested he had them eow and one night midweek (Weds). However he had no suitable accommodation for overnights so in the meantime I agreed to him helping with after school activities - Mon morn he drops them at school, Mon night he takes DS1 to football, eoTues he takes DD and DS2 swimming, Weds he takes them out for tea, Thurs night he takes DS2 to football, Fri night he takes DS1 and DD to football, Sunday morning he takes DS1 to a football game. Plus ad hoc he might take 1, 2 or all out for a couple of hours, but this happens maybe once every couple of months when he decides he’s free and has no other plans and I rarely get much notice.
The problem is that he has still not found suitable accommodation for overnights. Finances were agreed in March and he also received a sizeable inheritance, but instead of using it to get somewhere bigger, he’s used the money to pay off previous gambling debts and has then gambled away the remainder. He earns a very good wage, but refuses to move out of his lodgings to somewhere he can have the kids overnight.
I can’t see the current contact pattern, which was supposed to be temporary, changing anytime soon. He likes it because it makes him look like a hands-on dad to others, while i’m the one doing the main parenting graft in the background. I literally get an hour a week to myself and i’m knackered. When he picks them up he makes snide comments about the state of the house. But i’m working 2 jobs, and i’m on my knees with exhaustion. He sees DS1 far more frequently than any of the others, which I don’t think is fair. (Eg. This weekend he’s taking DS1 out for a day for his birthday, but he never did this with any of the other 3). He rarely sees all 4 together (they don’t always all want to go with him on a Weds) and when he does have them all he takes them to the amusements arcade (which i’m not comfortable with because he’s a gambling addict).
Our contact arrangements are informally agreed, but after years of what I now realise was emotional abuse (passive aggressiveness, gaslighting) I don’t have the mental strength to know how to change what we currently have in place. It’s definitely not working for me, and i’m not convinced it’s working for the kids.
I realise i’m lucky that he is still involved in their lives, so maybe I am being unreasonable for wanting set times that he has them all? Even one day eow would give me a chance to get some rest or catch up on the housework or maybe even catch up with a friend for coffee?
I just feel a bit stuck really and i’m just so, so tired I can’t think straight in how to make contact work for us all. Meanwhile he spends his time hooking up with other women, drinking in the pub and gambling and playing Disney Dad when it suits him.

I’d tell him that he needs to have the dc wow on a Saturday & Sunday day time and bring them back for the 4 year olds bed time. As he’s made no changes to his accommodation to have them over night he needs to be having them during the day and they can sleep in their own beds.

I’d start with this plan as if needed you can drop back to jyst a Saturday.

I would start the conversation by email just after he criticises the state of the house, jyst so

Oh yes I was going to mention contact - the children need to be spending more time with you at the weekends, I love email you how they’d like to see you more. At present they only see you at activities and you take and fetch them - but they need actual time with you, I’m sure you understand

Thank you. That seems a reasonable request. I’m just so used to feeling that any demand I make is unreasonable that I am constantly doubting myself. It won’t go down well as when i’ve previously asked him for an odd day on the weekend it’s had to fit around his social life and whether he’s going to watch sport (he has a season ticket). But it’s definitely something I will now be proposing.

Be strong and tell him what needs to happen, he sounds hopelessly immature and selfish, and he’s only interested in doing exactly what suits him not what’s best for the children. He may also be trying to punish you by making life difficult for you.

I think you’re right @Sally2791 - my mum is of the sane opinion - it’s fine for him to be able to go out whenever he wants, but even when he took them to his mum’s for a couple of days he made sure they were weekdays and not a weekend so I wouldn’t have as much of an opportunity to go out-out.
I need to grow a backbone and be brave and tell him when he’s to have them. It shouldn’t be my problem that he hasn’t yet sorted suitable accommodation (he’s literally in one room so even having them all there for the day is not ideal).

I just wanted to say that as the ex partner of a gambling addict I totally understand the emotional abuse, I only realised after months of counselling that this was part of his personality. I agree with comments above EOW 9am (if earlier if there is a club) until 6.30pm on Sun with a return home to sleep in their own beds feels like a good marker and sets you all up for Sat over night once he’s sorted his living arrangements. The reality is that kids have social activities and we are all at the mercy of these but they do need quality time with their dad and he needs to understand what goes into parenting 4 kids all together. Nothing to stop him still doing as many of the mid week clubs he wants to help with but they should be in addition. Good luck with your email

His season ticket is his business to sort out, his children come before sporting events, of course if it’s every other weekend he goes to sport then his children can see him on the alternative weekend - but his children have rights to see him and any dad would be delighted his children want to see him...