Considering turning Christmas on it's head, but makes me feel like a failure

[NonTraditionalFeelings]

Long story short, I'm a single mum, good relationship with my ex and we co parent 50/50. I have 3 children under the age of 10. When it comes to Christmas my ex has slowly but surely put the financial burden back onto me.

It started as him just not getting them that much and it's now turned into they only get one present from him for both Christmas and birthdays. I can see that this upsets them so I try and make up for it by making sure they have lovely gifts from me. We aren't talking mega bucks here but I try and spend around £250-300 per child. It's usually equals one large sack of presents.

This year I decided to tackle an extension. My daughters share a room and the youngest has extra needs and isn't coping sharing. So it was either move or build an extra room. Sadly the first builder I had took me for a ride and walked away with £6k of my money leaving me with nothing to show for it. I've since got a new builder on site but it's basically cost me all my savings.

So I'm now looking at Christmas and I honestly don't know if I can afford to buy them anything. My buffer has completely gone and as it's all ongoing I'm now putting extra costs on my
0% credit card.

I'm trying to take on some extra work so I can at least get something for them. I've already told family I'm not buying for adults this year only the kids.

I'm considering getting them a few bits and then doing something like 'The gift of time.' So preorganise events throughout the year for them.

But all I keep seeing is the face of my 5 year old on Christmas Day when she wakes up to see that Santa failed this year

i have no mega advice except you are not a failure. You are doing your hardest and thats enough.

Your children wouldnt give a hoot if you got everything from poundland, do this - tons of sweets/chocolate - they are cheap

cheaper toys, board games etc - no need for consoles and tv's.

be careful with how money is spent - also 300 a child is aLOT

No one needs to spend £300 per child, especially when they get another gift from the other parent.

Perhaps start looking in the charity shops now before the rush! Ask friends with older children if they have any toys or books? Home made day out vouchers? CEX are great for used dvds (as are eBay) and x box type games. Really it’s just fun to have something new to you. My favourite toy when I was little was a little pull along mouse who had a xylophone. When I grew up I could see he had had one arm replaced with half a clothes peg and a large blue bead. My mum had bought him in a jumble sale and fixed him up. They’ve got each other and they’ve got you. They’re rich

£250-300 is an awful lot of money to spend on each child !
I'd be spending that in total on all 3 to be honest.

I mean this very kindly - I think you've been over compensating.

We have 3 children and spend a maximum of 100€ per child, and that can be one present total if they want one expensive thing rather than two cheaper things from parents because that's from DH and I between us. If they want something costing 200€ or more it's from grandparents and parents combined or a joint Christmas and birthday present. We did this when the older children wanted gaming PCs - both sets of grandparents paid towards it and they got cash for birthdays and put that towards the PCs and they got decent 600€ PCs (worth a bit more because DH built them) but that was effectively Christmas and birthday combined from all grandparents and parents combined with no other presents. They had to be pretty determined they really wanted those PCs! They're still thrilled to have them.

I'd adjust your children's expectations while they're still young! A 5 year old shouldn't even have a clue how much you've spent, and older children learn to expect ever more if they have always had huge sums spent on them.

MN often contains posts where parents are outraged and disgusted at how entitled and ungrateful their older children and teens are, but parents make them that way by creating expectations!

Get them two less expensive things - do they get presents from anyone else, like grandparents, or just you and their dad?

Despite a comfortable income I set a limit of £100 unless it's something very specific eg laptop for university... they are much older!

Portable North Pole is your fried here.
Each child writes an on line letter to Santa. They get to specify 3 gifts.
In our house this was split one from me, one from their Dad and one from santa.
Santa then brought stockings, and the rest of the pile was made up of things they need (PJs, socks, books etc, and things from friends and family.
They do the letter early, which gives you longer to bargain hunt/get second hand/make.
I sold off the DCs bikes at a garage sale last week and at this time of year they were only making £10 each and were good as new. Search through the facebook pages for what the DC ask for. Its a challenge but its actually quite good fun.

That is absolutely loads per child! I don't think we spend that on Christmas overall never mind just on presents. And we have a proper Christmas.

Hi, what a nightmare you’ve had. There is a Christmas thread on here I’ve been following which lists all the bargains people have found and you may find his helpful. We are on number three now, butvyoud be able to view he precious two for other details www.mumsnet.com/Talk/Christmas/3689131-Thread-3-I-do-not-need-hot-chocolate-balls-and-I-never-thought-Id-get-so-stressed-over-willies?watched=1&msgid=90219542#90219542

There have been some great finds on there which might be relevant for your kids and the family kids you buy for. For instance Claire’s accessories had five for £5 and there’s been chocolate oranges for 75p, plus bargains on Lego etc. There the ones off the top of my head.

I think you could ‘do Christmas’ for £100 per child or less. I grew up in a house where my mum spent so much on each of us, and to be honest there was no point. I’d rather have things I will like and want, rather than this bulking out gifts just so each child has received the same amount. I would personally someone buy me something I will like and if that cost £1, who would know bar the giver?

Be kind to yourself. Life can be tough.

Your ex is a dick, btw. That’s a very selfish move he pulled to put that burden on you.

I agree that your DC can have a lovely Christmas and feel more than satisfied with their presents for much less than you have previously spent. In any case at less than 10 years old are they aware of costs?
In the past I have sometimes got expensive electronics and sometimes got cheap scooter from Argos. It has just depended on what was required at the time. I make up stockings with things that they need anyway such as pencil cases, toiletries, socks and pyjamas etc. I keep aside little odds and ends that I acquire through the year and pop them in, some satsumas and chocolate money and it's quite a pile.

Can you go on the earn £10 a day thread and look at all the options of making a bit of money between now and Christmas?

I totally agree your budget is too high for presents, a 5 year old can get decent presents and a stocking for a lot less than that.

You sound like a wonderful mum. As a pp said your children are rich already.
Can your ex not start to contribute his fair share towards Christmas and birthdays again anytime soon?

You’re not a failure but I know how you feel in the sense of being intent on making Christmas special. Facebook marketplace is good for secondhand toys especially as people (including me!) will be having a clear out about now to get rid of stuff they no longer want, a lot of still in perfect working order if not immaculate.

I hope there is a way for you to get your £6k back at some point from the builder who screwed you over.

No child needs £300 spending on them at xmas. The extension is worth far more to them. You're a good mum. Spend only what you can afford.

Agree with PP.

The challenge you need to tackle is expectations. They have had all these presents before so will be expecting them again unless you explain what will be different this year and why.

If they're under 10 they won't have much concept of money and wont realise that last year you spent £300 but this year you've only spent £50 (for example)

You can save so much by shopping sensibly - wait for sales at places like Sainsburys or TKmaxx to get 25-50% off toys. Include things that you would buy them throughout the year anyway, such as PJs or nice school stationary, as stocking fillers. Shop secondhand - facebook marketplace/ebay/charity shops.

Contact CAB and small claims court. Report the builder to trading standards.
You can make a small claim on line.
Write to Watch Dog/ Rogue Traders.
I agree with everyone that you really don't need to spend a huge amount on Christmas.
Charity shops and sales are the way to go.
You sound like a great mum doing your best. Your children will always appreciate that.

I think you're a really kind mum. It sounds like a very tough situation. I reckon like others have said you can actually enjoy spending less and getting some brilliant bargains! If you reduce how much you spend now (and you might be surprised that they don't notice at all) then it'll also save loads of money in the years to come which should at least take a bit of pressure off. When I'm buying cheaper things / hunting for bargains I think of it as money earned as even if it's only £2 cheaper, its money I then don't have to earn.

In order to make the most of what you can afford, Get yourself to a mum2mum sale or similar children's sale. Many bargains to be had, over the last few weeks I've bought a virtually brand new happyland rocket for £5 (rrp £45) about £50 worth of duplo for £3.50, Julia Donaldson back catalogue £2, little tykes police car £12 (rrp £50) A little bit goes a long way, much better value than eBay, plus you can check condition, and doesn't involve trawling the charity shops. In the past I've picked up many brand new things still in packaging for a few quid too.

Thanks for all your lovely comments. I've spoken to the kids and explained there won't be that much this Christmas and they were all so sweet. I've told them to pick 3 things that aren't too expensive and myself and Santa will sort it out.

Now looking at how to make your own Christmas tree! I'm pretty crafty so I can manage it. Thought maybe it would be a nice project for the us to do together, and some homemade decorations too (since we don't have those either!)

My kids are older now, but a friend of mine has 2 small girls, a few years ago she said that's it, and the kids chose 5 present each. Get stockings I stead of sacks, they look like they are fuller. For you 5 year old moving forward this will be the norm. Christmas is a really tough time of year, when I was married we had really traditions at Christmas, this changed, and we made new traditions. It's not the same but it's ours!