Do we do enough? Residential mums needed

[Songbird232018]

Hi
I have been with my partner for 5 years, we have a 2 year old and I am step mum to his 3 kids.
Basically I want to know from mums out there what they deem 'enough' in terms of money, visitation and support from separated dads?
I understand there are no hard and fast rules but we are constantly made to feel like we are shit and dont do enough for his kids whereas I think we do more than most ever do!
I just hope I'm right but I may get my eyes opened?

Basically any less than 50/50 time wise and both households having equal disposable income and he COULD be doing more. That’s not to say he SHOULD but anything less could be construed as not enough by the other parent.

My late partner had two children & we had them every weekend for access, we had to buy clothes for his daughter because her mother used to send her dressed in dirty clothes while her brother was dressed well. We always had clothes for both of them but the little girl looked terrible, her mother even sent her with a scruffy blanket that never got washed. Even if we were only having them for a few hours we always had clean clothes ready, lots of food, toys & always sent them home clean & tidy. This was in spite of the fact that my partner was paying well above the CMS rates of maintenance. We bent over backwards to accommodate their mother's wishes, very often let her walk all over us because we wanted the best for the children.

If I was the NRP I would like to see my dc almost everyday if that was possible. I wouldn’t be happy with EOW. I would expect to contribute half towards my children’s upbringing.. How are you made to feel like shit songbird

I am positive you are better than my ex and his gf but that wouldn't take much!

My DP is one of the best NRPs I know. He has 10 days a month contact and sticks to this, although he and his ex wife swap days all the time if one of them has plans. They have their own rooms at our house with clothes in drawers waiting for them- pyjamas, swimming stuff, shoes etc are always here.

My DP gave 100% of the house to his ex and paid off the mortgage so she can work part time and she has no financial worries. He offers money towards big purchases like her new car as he sees it as benefitting his DC. He pays above the CMS rate and uplifts it every year.

He attends every school meeting, parents evening and is involved with the DCs' social lives. He hosts play dates and sleepovers and shares lifts with other parents.?

He makes sure that the DCs do their homework when they're with us and he buys any books, stationery etc that they need. If they have food tech or DT projects he goes and gets ingredients and materials.

Family holidays are for all 6 of us- me and DP, my DC and his DC.

I think his ex wife is very fortunate but this is how it should be. What are you being criticised for OP?

So back story... partner has 2 bio kids 12 & 13 and one stepson of his own 16.
Since they broke up 6 years ago hes paid csa as they couldnt come to a mutual agreement so its £317 month for 2 children (stepson already has an order out on his bio dad but he doesn't pay) school trips have normally been halved but due to a bad relationship both parties have stuck heels in at times and one of us has ended up fully paying.
We have the 3 kids every thursday for tea and EOW it used to he more but as they are getting older they are starting to have plans with friends they live near so that has been a mutual decision with everyone to go to EOW. Holidays are all split down the middle.
Each kid gets £10 a month ok payday and we are the ones who pay majority of birthday / xmas and presents. Such a mac for 16 year old starting colledge and new shoes trainers. Phones / tablets for Christmases etc. The EX has just had her 6th child so their household Is a lot more chaotic than ours so all birthday parties / sleepovers etc our done at ours. Both families have been on holiday also.
Bottom line is nothing we do is good enough, always told my partner is a shit dad and we are just interested in ourselves, dont get me wrong we love our little weekends away and shows but that's been our choice not to have lots of children so why shouldn't we enjoy our time together also??
I get on really well with all 3 kids and its lovely when they are here just hard when we get nasty texts or more money demands as she is under the impression I earn a fortune (I earn decent money but not a fortune!) So we should do more and I said that I treat the kids and buy gifts etc and treats for shopping but in no way will I be contributing to their household with cash.
Just so hard and now we have our little boy nothing has changed with the others but atmosphere has got worse!

I'll add we do buy clothes also and he attends every school function although hes not welcome. The kids as they are older are always free to ask to come over whenever really. I at this stage put it down to perhaps jealously, I have no ill will towards her and would love a better relationship but I think its good too far between them.

@Songbird232018 it sounds like you do a lot more than some of the exes on this board- just take a look at the current thread on maintenance for example. Your DH's ex sounds ungrateful- I would be grateful for a fraction of that support. The CMS amount is low as they always are but you are contributing loads more both financially and practically. If you can, I would ignore the criticism. Well done- I genuinely wish more people did as much as you.

@DuchessMinnieDuchess thank you that's nice to hear, friends have said this to me before that things should be amicable more than it is.
I know us going abroad together (before we had baby) upset her but we had also took the kids away the year before. But once we heard she had had nasty things to the kids like they should of came with their dad because her and her new husband never get to go away. My partner texted and said ofcourse they can go away, we just need a month notice for shift sorting and we would have the kids any week. They have 4 other children between them so she said that's impossible which I understand but that not our fault!
Dont get be wrong my ex does indulge in arguments at times and occasionally we had said no to stuff ( one year I took his daughter out and bought her a new school bag and shoes) but they were taken back to the shop and exchanged as they didnt fit with the school policy) which I fine I didnt know that shoes were specific but rather than just tell me that it was huge kick off so the year after he refused to pay for any uniform and we just got other bits. its draining though always waiting for a row to raise its head. We had a huge row a few weeks ago as we drop the kids off on a sunday at 6pm but we got a message saying she wasnt in and could we make it later, that was fine but he asked for a time, she said she didnt know which made no sense so he said well we need to know, are they staying over night do we need uniform, should they shower here?
She ended up saying it's fine they can go straight to her mums at 6 as usual so we just did that and didnt ask anymore questions. We then found out the reason she wasnt home was that they had to rush their son to hosipal with a serious problem!
Why not just say that and we wouldn't of asked anything it would of just be fine but we now looks awful because we wouldn't keep the kids a few hours later when we just didnt know.
Impossible