Maintenance same old same old

[ihavehobbies]

I'll try and keep this brief, agreed in mediation, maintenance of a fixed lower amount as xh was in between jobs when we divorced. Lump sum until DD started school. I agreed to this as it could have been more (if/when he got a job) but we could have been left with nothing and no contribution to nursery fees etc...Fine so far.

DD has just started school and maintenance under the court order is due to start being paid as normal. Calculated on the calculator online and he says it's too much, can he pay £50 a month less as he can't afford it.

I work and work around school, parents days, teddy bear picnic mornings, you know what it's like. He doesn't do any of that stuff and never has he is a total EOW Disney dad with the crazy amount of presents given to her EOW to boot. I am just getting by, normal stuff fine but no holidays or nice clothes etc. He on the other hand has just come back from holiday abroad (with OW) and has a flash car, you get the picture.

My question is do I accept the lower amount to keep things civil or do I put my foot down and ask for the whole lot and threatened (and indeed go to) the CSA?

Funnily enough now he wants more time with her e.g Friday and Saturday instead of his usual 24 hours. All of a sudden - how convenient when that would reduce his payments. That pissed me off but I know he won't follow through as it will eat into his social life and he will have to take time off work, but still a really shitty thing to do, so he doesn't have to pay a bit extra for his kid

Ladies, wise advice please, push it or leave it go? TIA x

Hm it's so tough cos in my experience the CMS don't deal with it and challenging him might end up meaning he stops paying anytning. DDs dad hasn't paid a penny in six years and the CMS have been awful 😔

It depends on relationship you have with ex but If you're able I'd say that it's not acceptable to pay less for stuff DD needs so he can buy her presents- give examples- like a bouncy castle won't keeo her warm in the winter kinda thing? Explain what you're paying- in my experience exes don't understand the cost of well fitting shoes, a warm coat, childcare etc! It obv depends on how decent he is tho. My ex doesn't care either way. I have to comfort myself that DD gets fun days out with him and try to make days at the park/ library fun for her when she's with me

Thank you for the reply. That's what I ended up saying today. I put down roughly what everything costs but said that as long as we get paid and don't have to chase then it's fine.

Heard such horror stories about shitty ex's and control over payments etc., that I just want an easy life, albeit a cheap one

We are happy and that's all the matters in the long run

It depends on how much of a dickhead he is.

Massive dickhead: probably leave it how it is. it’s not uncommon for exes stop stop paying while CMS sort it out or start playing games once it goes through “out of spite”

Slight dickhead who does care at least to some extent: CMS

@Cleopatrai has said what I wanted to more eloquently. A regular payment and good relationship more beneficial to your child. But it makes me sick typing it as he knows he's manipulating you, short changing kid and doesn't care 😢 but I suppose something is better than nothing. I'm sorry though- know it's so unfair

Could you look into collect and pay? You lose a little and it will cost him more, but it takes out the bollocking around men tend to do with money and control.

I had this exact situation with dd’s Dad. Thankfully he’s grown up a bit now and we get on ok. But I didn’t give him an inch in the beginning because it’s a slippery slope.

I've already sent the email today and split the difference as I didn't want to give it anymore head space.

He has been alright so far but as soon as money gets involved he is turning into a bit of a dick. Time will tell how dickheadish he will get but I just don't want him messing DD around as we (I) finally feel like I've got this mum thing down and can finally relax a bit

Hi everyone, I emailed on Tuesday but have had no response will I chase?

He just messaged about picking up DD tomorrow but no mention of email. We normally do serious stuff by email and friendly stuff by text, not sure why but seems to work.

I just want to know where I am, ExH will probably speak about it tomorrow but I like stuff like this on email so I have a record.

Not sure what to do for the best as I know it's a delicate subject and I want to get it right.