ExH just not turning up for contact

[MyMushroomsInATimeSlip]

ExH is supposed to see DS (8) every other weekend for half a day but misses at least of third of contacts with him. Sometimes he phones an hour before to give an excuse but other times doesn't phone and then just doesn't turn up. This has happened again today and DS has been upset and subdued most of the day. I've done my best to manage this but I'm so frustrated that ExH is doing this. I've recently sent a letter asking him to let us know if he's cancelling but he still can't seem to manage this. I tried phoning today (DS asked me to try to contact him) but got no answer and no option to leave a message.

To save drip feeding: history of domestic abuse but I never reported at the time. Divorced 6 years ago for "unreasonable behaviour", verbally abusive in phone calls and had harassed me by text (police involved), history of lying, being unreliable and generally being a pain in the arse. ExH is currently not paying child maintenance and this is being investigated (incredibly slowly) by cms.

DS does actually enjoy spending time with his dad though seems to be gradually realising how unreliable he is.

Anyone dealt with a similar situation or have any advice? I'm considering speaking to a solicitor but I'm not entirely sure what can be achieved

do you have a contact order?

if not, id be tempted to just stop contact and let him take you to court. By stopping i mean,dont arrange, dont build your childs hopes up etc

If your x wants to see him - fine but id tell your DS at the last minute that "dad might be popping in but not sure yet".

poor kid

My father did this the entire time we were supposed to see him growing up living with my mum. Eventually I told him I wasn't interested in attempting to have a relationship if he couldn't even be bothered to answer the phone.

It's tough because you need to make sure ds knows it isn't his fault but at the same time not bad mouth exh to ds because you're really all he's got. I agree with a pp that you should stop making any effort to make visits happen and stop telling ds when exh is supposed to be coming. I'm sorry you're in this situation

I'm reluctant to be the one to stop contact as I think DS would see me as the baddie in all this. Also ExH would be unlikely to bother with court. DS know when he's due to come and ExH also tells him then doesn't show!

KellyHall I think DS will make a similar decision when he's older but isnt ready to yet. The problem is all the promises to see him beforehand.
Thanks for all the replies. I'm struggling to think of a way through this and have been so angry with ExH for causing yet more problems and me having to deal with it all

Have you suggested to ex that he sees his son once every 3 weeks instead? I know he's not a reasonable person but the goal of this would be less missed contact days. Your poor Ds

@MyMushroomsInATimeSlip do you have a contact order? If not, then I’d stop contact. It’s just re-traumatizing your son every time. I know you said you’re worried your son may see you as the bad guy but I would take the approach of, “We haven’t heard if your dad is going to meet you yet this weekend. Let’s plan another activity to do just in case.” You’re not blaming anyone but you’re still keeping your son occupied while adjusting/lowering his expectations.

No contact order. Just a written agreement from mediation after divorce.

ExH has been odd about phone contact with DS for a while (I have a previous thread but no idea how to link). DS is reluctant to speak to him on the phone and I've had conversations with him many times that once a week is enough for DS. (I still have to encourage DS a lot to speak to him on the phone even once a week). ExH often phones more than once a week and leaves messages saying that DS "has to phone him". ExH even got DS's school involved who talked to DS to check that I'm not preventing phone contact.

ExH seems to think we're home all the time and also likes to phone when DS is out at clubs even though he's been told when these are. He then leaves more messages about how DS has to phone him. A few weeks ago ExH changed the contact day then didn't turn up after he'd said he would. He left a message saying it was because DS hadn't spoken to him the day before. To try and stop this happening I provided a list of dates for contact for the rest of 2019. I wrote on it that there it's not necessary to speak to DS to confirm to try and stop him messing about like this. I'm sure ExH is doing this to stay in "control" of us (He was controlling when we were together)

I try to have a back up plan but DS won't discuss before ExH doesn't arrive. It's all just horrible.

I've thought about every three/four weeks instead. I might have to revisit this.

Thank you for your responses. It's helping me know I'm not the unreasonable one!