Greedy? Or fully entitled to more?

[FreshlySingleMummaOf2]

I separated from the husband nearly 3 months ago, after standing my ground against his controlling abusive behaviour. By finally telling someone about his disgusting actions he agreed to leave to get help. He still hasn't!! But thats not my point today 🙄🙄 anyway, I have been a stay at home Mum for the last few years whilst he progressed and focused on his career. He has agreed to pay mortgage, gas/elec/water and the finance on the car. Which due to our high mortgage is about 1400 a month. I know he has been promoted and I know he is earning more than double that a month. He says if he's paying the bills he won't pay maintenance. Therefore living with his parents, paying no rent to them so having a large amount of disposable money to enjoy so much more with the kids. Is that fair?? Am I entitled to more??? I currently receive universal credit, an i was impressed with the amount. But after paying child care, council tax, phone bill, petrol and food I'm left with about £30 to spend on myself and the kids each week. Its making me so down, I went to a job fair today, was basically told my many companies because I'm not flexible enough I'm not employable!!

Im feeling so disheartened that I can't afford the life he will now throw at my children. I know it isn't about money, but with the run up to my 1st Xmas alone im feeling so deflated. Am I entitled to more help? Or just being greedy? My mental health is suffering, thought I had my shit together but not sure I do.

Thanks all for your comments. I know I'm lucky to be getting what I do but I have people in my ear telling me he should pay more. So i appreciate your criticisms and advice. I put my daughter into childcare two mornings a week so I could work, but the job fell through! She loves it so much I don't want to take her out so I have to suffer the consequences of paying it for her. I won't stop that. My daughters are 5 and 3. One in school and the 2nd starting next year so im looking forward to being able to go full time then. Its just hard to work and juggle childcare. I have no family around me, i used to rely on his for help. Im desperate to work!! But I'm too scared to up the hours at nursery if no one will employ me.

The house is not worth selling yet, he racked up a lot of debt and we put it on the mortgage to lower the finances so we don't have enough equity to put it towards any other properties. Plus he wont allow me to move the kids somewhere else, he says this is their home. I know he is being so generous to keep a certain control on my life too. I don't want to rely on him. I was hoping to get out there and prove I didn't need him! So I hate that I'm so jealous of all he has now. I gave up my career to let him move forward in his! I didn't realise then that he would end up abusive and controlling 4 years later! I'm no longer tolerating it and booted his arse out. It will take me much longer to rebuild my life. I know it won't take forever though. One day I will give them the life my Mum managed to give me.

Also, his Dad is in the process of buying him and his brother a flat to share. So his outgoings will not be as much as this house that he stuck all his debt on. An I want to take as many bills away from him! Believe me.

I think my main problem is the guilt on the girls. Their life when we were together was full of activities and fun family stuff. Now its all one sided. But!! They are happier that mummy is happier. So that's all that matters right?????

OP you aren't just being greedy, you're being entitled! He's handing you half his wages, in effect. You are given money on top of that and you spend a proportion of it on childcare when you have no job? 🥴 I honestly don't understand? If I were you I'd be frantically looking for a job because he possible isn't going to pay this amount long term. The minute he sees a solicitor he will be told he is paying way over the odds if he doesn't already know that. Get a job-any job! And only pay people to have your children if it's because you're at work.

I don't know about greedy, but you might be a bit silly if CSA is a lot lower than that. Because at any point he can turn around and say I'm not paying shit, then you'll go through all the faff of getting CSA to take the money from him which will be less than now,and you will have all the extra bills you pay.

I get why you left him and good on you for doing that, but at the same time you can't expect getting most of his wages.

You need to look either into cutting costs so you get some savings,or start looking for a job. Because nothing is set in stone and it's very likely this arrangement will end eventually (possibly with no warning) ,especially if he gets up living with parents or gets a new partner. You need to either have a buffer or be financially secure yourself by then.

On universal credit you will have a higher allowance before they start taking money off for example I rent so my allowance is 287 a month if I earn more than that they take 63p off me for every pound over I am as you have a mortgage yours should be around the 500 mark because you get no housing benefit are you claiming your council tax benefits and are you entitled to two year/three year funding?

There are plenty of low level flexible jobs out there

Plus when your in work dont forget to claim the childcare back from uc

You will be absolutely stuffed if he suddenly gets a house of his own and can't pay or just decides not to.

I appreciate it's a lifestyle change but you can juggle childcare and kids and work. Find a nice childminder and things will become doable. Stop relying on a man to fund your life.
And to you because change is never easy.

If your daughter in childcare is 3 why are you paying? You get 30 hours free from the term after their third birthday.

You need to get out and support yourself though, not expect your ex to handover his wages to you. Him paying half of his wage won't last and if he disputes or stops paying and you have to go through cms it will be nowhere near that much. Surely you could find a job and then increase the nursery hours when you've secured one.

You used to rely on his family for help with childcare, why can't that continue? He's still their father and the girls are still part of that family, have you spoken to them about carrying on or just assumed they won't?

You do sound quite defeatist and entitled. I'd recommend you find any job for 16 hours per week so that you can get 30 hours childcare. See it as a stepping stone to something better/ more suitable down the line.

I think the op Is getting a hard time.
Her ex was presumably happy for her to foresake her own career so that he could progress in his.
Would he be prepared to look after his kids and take a pay cut.
I think you need to get legal advice.
You might be better off selling your property, cutting your losses, and renting a cheaper property.
It doesn't matter what your ex thinks about Where You should live, he won't be paying for it.
It's all very well him paying the mortgage but you are not receiving child support.
You need to start building up an independent life op.
If your ex argues with you putting the kids in child are then he will have to look after them.
Personally I would not want to be this tied and dependant upon him.
Things will get better for you op.

I do think a few of you are not reading the posts i have put up correctly. I dont want to live like this, i dont want to rely on him, i dont get 30 hours childcare because i dont work. The only nursery close to me is a full time private one so still incurs costs. If you give me your email address i will fill your inbox with all my rejection letters from employers! I simply asked a question didn't need the harassment. Im not sat back on my arse expecting to be given on a plate. He knows hes damaged me, he knows for now he will have to support me and he is willing to do that which i appreciate but it will not be forever. Since finding out what he did his family have backed off. For fear they might have to talk to me about it i suppose.

All 3 and 4 year olds get funded childcare hours op, look into it as that could save you (even paying for meals is a lot cheaper than the full fee!)

If you're separated you cant just expect him to keep paying for you.

You need to look at how to get yourself back to work asap and get yourself some financial stability.

Of course,he should be paying you maintenance but you also need to take steps to pay for yourself.

You don’t get the 30 hours free but you do get 15 - that’s universal for all.

OP. Whoever is "in your ear" telling you that you should get more is really not doing you a favour.

Forget how wronged you feel. CMS or courts honestly don't care if he's an arse.

You are getting way more than he's legally obliged to give you. Way more. You need to spell that out to your Jiminy Crickets.

You don't work but shell out for childcare. All your bills except council tax is paid for by him. And your council tax will be a pittance because you don't work and have children.

Sorry OP, you and your advisors are in a dream world.

Yes I was going to say you are entitled to 15 hours.

You need to look at what you can cut , change energy suppliers, get rid of sky, turn heating down a bit , add jumpers before putting heating in. Brand down challenge , shop at Aldi add lentils to food reduce meat.
You may be eligible for warm home grant.

All things I had to do. Less baths . I used to have one hot drink a day then drink water.

I don’t know which apply but I do think asking for more than 50% of his wages is unreasonable . Regardless of your relationship you are no longer a couple.

I get £7 a week to put it into perspective.

Childminders can offer he 15 hours if nursery refuses to.

@emilybrontescorsett what do you mean she needs child support...that is child support! Child support is not just money for food and clothes, it’s for a roof over their head, heating, water, electric etc. He’s paying more than he should be...

OP needs to get out there and do what she can. Whoever is in her ear is just as greedy...she’s very very lucky she’s getting what she’s getting because it won’t last forever. When her ex eventually meets another woman, gets his own place etc trust me the money will go down and any woman he will be with will not be very happy half his salary is funding his ex because she’s not working.

OP just because you have a lot of rejection letters didn’t mean you won’t get anything...find something, be it working behind a till at a supermarket part time.

When my ex left I had to pay my mortgage, bills and children on my own. It took me a year for him to even pay any support and what he does pay equates to £2.15 per day per child! I was working part time as well a universal credit and it helped. I couldn’t afford luxuries but I could survive. Now I’m able to work full time pay for after school clubs. If you apply yourself it will happen.

OP no one is harassing you, you asked the question be prepared to hear some things you don’t like, like I said whoever is in your ear telling you you should be getting more is so very wrong

You need to get a job. Both parents have a responsibility to financially support their children. Even you.

Can you seek some legal advice OP and start divorce proceedings and organise his financial contributions from there? They can advise you of his responsibilities but also your rights (e.g. if you want to move to a cheaper area). Good luck with the job hunting. You should be able to increase childcare hours (including free ones) if you're offered a job

My daughters are 5 and 3. One in school and the 2nd starting next year so im looking forward to being able to go full time then

Your three year old is entitled to a minimum of 15 hours of free education. When you start work, you'll then get 30 hours free.

Op you are getting a bit of a hard time but I'm also worried about your future.

He's paying 50% of his salary, that's just not sustainable. He won't live with his parents forever, presumably he'll move out?

Go onto the CMS calculator and work out what he legally owes based upon earnings, number of nights he has the girls etc.

You then need to work out how you will love on that plus any benefits plus a job.

It's rare that one half of the family can carry on living in the marital home, just too expensive - whether he wants you to or not. Surely he can't make you?

This is why women shouldn't give up work when they have children. I had lots of sneery stay at home types tell me how awful I was going back to work when DS was 7 months and what a shame it was that I didn't have a man that would support me. It's all ok till that man fucks off with his secretary and you find yourself unable to support yourself or your children.

I know that's not helpful - but I'm gobsmacked he's paying £1400 and you don't think it's enough- he has no obligation to support you - only his children. I think you need to seek some advice pretty quick as there are probably people talking in his ear telling him he's mad to give you half his wages.

Accept what he is giving you and dont query it. Other posters are right you are only entitled to about 20% of pay if you go via CMS. My husband pays me just under £1000 per month. He is left with £4000 to spend on himself and ow.

For the 3 year old you can apply now and get funding for the next term (which is October). You should get about 15 hours, and you can use a childminder as well as a nursery, so maybe check childminders in your local area. You mentioned your child loves the nursery, but maybe try a childminder it could just be the interaction with other kids. Once your working you should get the 30 hours.

Your getting a huge amount in maintenance and I doubt many people on this site will get the same. If your house is in positive equity regardless of how small this is (or even if you break even) maybe sell the house now and get somewhere which will be affordable in the long run, get rid of the debt and work out what he is legally required to give you. Once he gets his own place I cant imagine he will continue with £1400 a month when he has his own mortgage, bills etc. Equally (as bad as it sounds) if he meets someone else I bet they would be nagging in his ear to lower the amount.

Also cover the basics, reduce the expenses where you can, save on the food bill, the cars on finance can you trade it for a cheaper model? Insurance, again update it to reflect you as the only driver etc.

Whoever is chirping in your ear about additional money needs to pipe down.

Hi OP

First of all - be kind to yourself. It's only 3 months so early days for your new normal.

If you think he earns 100k+ you might get more than the current £1400 via CMS, but you might be entitled to less.
Also if you are married you could look at spousal maintenance as part of divorce although unlikely these days supposedly.

In terms of childcare/nursery. Depending on when your daughter turned 3 you should be entitled to the 15 hours funding, which should cover your 2 mornings a week. Speak to the nursery. Alternatively see if your school nursery has any spaces?

Unless you are in negative equity, it might still be best to sell the house, just for a clean break.

Try to keep a clear head and not respond emotionally. Realistically without a second income the childen's lives will change because 1 income can't support 2 households at the same level as one and as he is the one earning by default it will be yours that changes. It might feel unfair, but it's life.
Good luck.

Ignore the voices twittering in your ear that he should give you all his money. He's handing over half his salary to you a month. CSA won't give you more and its keeping a secure roof over your head.

I'd check if you're getting all the benefits you're entitled to and apply for 15 hours childcare somewhere. Does your offer child's school not have a 3 year provision? That will save some money.

Ultimately it doesn't matter what cash he throws at them, it isn't a competition.