50/50 Dad

[JamesBB]

Hi, I’ve posted this in here as dadsnet is rarely looked at so I hope that’s ok, I’m looking for all viewpoints on my situation and tbh mums will probably give me better advice ! Please be gentle

I am new to the forum and I am looking for some opinions from others, me and my ex split over 2 years ago we have a great 50 / 50 set up with my son ( I'm dad ) we never argue and we are both very flexible as he is the number one priority, he has now started school near to where my ex lives and my old town is around 50 minutes away so before he started school I sold my house and moved about 15 minutes away from his school I am currently renting the house it is all sorted and he is settled.

All my family are in my old home town, sisters nephews etc all within a year of my son they had just started to get a really good relationship, they fight as boys do but they also loved playing together, at the weekends we do visit and they have visited us but it just does not feel the same we used to do so much with them all.

So my question is did I do the right thing ?

I would do anything for my son and I want him to have the best life possible, I feel that the family and connections we had back home maybe more important, in the week after work by the time i get out and pick him up we get home for around 6:30pm so its near time for bed and back to school in the morning, I want him as settled as possible for school as with homework and school life its hard enough, I don’t just want 50/50 because, I want to be in his life so it’s impor to me that I’m doing what’s best for him not just because I want to see him, even though I miss him like mad when I’m not with him as does his mum.

Currently I do Sunday to Wednesday and every other Saturday - I am wondering now if changing this to weekends would work better so pick up from school on Friday as I finish early and have him until Monday morning dropping him at school if this was an option then I would move back to my old town. I have still to run this past his mum but I would like some views of anyone else on the issue, its quite hard to pick the right solution as not many people are in this situation, I really don’t want to be a weekend dad,

And lastly when he is not with me my friends are in the old town so it can be a little isolated, my commute has also gone from 50 minutes a day to 3 hours a day due to traffic in the location I can deal with this if he is going to be happier with me being closer.

thanks for all replies

I get your reasoning but my initial reaction is to say its unfair for u to get all weekend time and his mum have to do most of the donkey work. During the week it's not the same quality time because u have to be strict on bedtime so they have enough sleep. Be organised with pack lunches and uniforms. Weekends are the nice bits. Movie nights lazy mornings nice walks together. He needs all that with mum too she cant be the nagging put your shoes on we have to get to school and u get all the fun at the weekend iyswim. But I feel for u a 3 hour commute and feeling isolated isnt good either could u move back and move him to a school in the middle or what that be too much travel for him. Or move back and do less during the week time but u should only ask for half the weekends to keep the relationship good with his mum imo. Good luck u sound like lovely parents. He will thrive regardless of what u decide I am sure

Thank you what you said made sense, my ex would not move his school as it’s close to her so that wouldn’t be an option, and yes I meant to put it wouldn’t be every weekend and the times it was her weekend go and take him for tea maybe midweek I’m not sure on that but I totally understand your point on the hard day to day bits,

Children need happy parents. A crippling commute and loneliness doesn't sound like the way you'd achieve that!

Sit down with your ex and have a discussion about it, if you get on that well you'll come up with something that will suit all 3 of you.

So you want to go from 50/50 to every other weekend and maybe tea in the week? That is a big reduction and it will change your parenting. You will find that you won’t know the day to day stuff the way you do now.

The other thing to think about is that when he is a teenager then he probably won’t want to be an hour away from his friends / rugby club / girlfriend every other weekend so it may become 1 in three weeks and then 1 in 4 that he comes to you. (I realise teenage years seem forever away but they come quicker than expected.)

No it wouldn’t be just every other weekend, I’d pick him up on Friday and drop him back on Monday on my weekends then on my ex’s that’s when I’d go up in the week, when he’s older he can tell me what he wants it will be his choice, and he does have friends, cousins etc back where I would be, I do get your point though.

If you just do weekends and not midweek you leave all the hard work of parenting to your ex. Try building a life where you are now.

I agree with the last poster - dig deep and make a life where you can continue the 50/50 arrangement.

Why don't you move closer to where you used to live and where your son's school is now - rather than talk about greatly reducing contact on a permanent basis?

It is highly, highly unlikely that your ex (and the courts) would endorse you having every weekend with your son and her doing all the in-week slog. That just isn't going to happen.

I can't move closer to where I used to live and his school as his school is 50 minutes from where I used to live this is why I moved closer. I’m definitely not just1 trying to do the weekends, on my week it would be pick up on Friday night and drop off at school on Monday morning, then when it’s his mums weekend I’d have him Sunday drop him off to school on Monday visit in the week and take him out and then I’d pick him up on Friday, I know it sounds confusing but we’ve been doing this for the last 2 years, I’m definitely not saying I just want him every other weekend. I have him every Sunday now it’s only the Saturdays that we alternate, Sunday to Wednesday then alternate Saturdays is what I do now.

Maybe the answer is like the other posters just deal with it, it’s not about digging deep really it’s trying to keep the connections we do have back home, you know what it’s like you plan to visit all the time and then it dwindles off due to being to busy, thanks for all your replies some really useful information.

I'd stay close, as cousins, friends from home town get older they'll all be off doing their own thing more and more so even if you were there you won't necessarily be seeing them. Also your son will likely want to hang out with his local friends and do stuff in his school town more and more. You're far more likely to get quality time with relatives if it's pre arranged. Having said that my brother has a similar 50/50 arrangement to you and he moved around 40 mins away (far more in heavy traffic) and so far it's been fine but he works in the city where his ex wife lives and dc go to school so probably makes it easier to collect, also his dc aren't really ones to be hanging out with friends after school.

Thanks

Ok in mn world 50:50 is always the ultimate . I think things change when children start school.

Within your plan mum never gets a complete weekend with mum.
Eow can be Friday to Monday.

But you need to factor in tiredness , when they start , when it gets to end of term , lots of class parties first couple of years.

How far away is work ? Is there a better solution say 30 minutes away?

Can mum continue to work if you drop 50/50?

There isn’t a simple answer but I do believe weekends should be shared and you both should have a complete weekend

Work is about an hour and 20 traffic depending, I leave at 7am and normal get back home around 18:30 - 19:00, since we split she has never had a full weekend, I have him every Sunday she prefers this setup at the minute obviously things.

Your idea of eow and Sunday on the off weekend plus visit in the week seems reasonable to me. If it means you then also get a better commute and a social life I don't see why not.
I came from a split family and eow plus weds worked for us.
I agree with you that 50/50 living almost an hour away won't work as when he's older he will want to go see friends etc. I found having one residential home and a visiting home fine.
Try not to become Disney dad though, my dad didn't enforce the same rules and spoiled us as well as paying no maintenance my entire childhood which was gross unfair on my mum. At the time dad was my favourite but once I realised what happened it has damaged my relationship with him and I do not respect him as much

I would see if you could move jobs a bit closer if possible to cut down the commute, also if your work does any flexible working so you work longer hours on days when you don't have your son. An hour and 20 mins at rush hour might reduce to an hour not at rush hour.

There will be lots of parties (probably) in the first few years, usually on a Saturday so actually having Sundays free for your family would probably work well. Your son's life will probably revolve around where he lives so it is up to you shown much you want to invest in that. You should though prioritise his friends birthday parties as they are important to develop friendships.

@Surfskatefamily I am defiantly very aware of not being just the fun parent, we do talk a lot and try to keep things exactly the same in terms of how we parent I understand that this is very important.

@TheBrockmans I have had my current job for over 5 years and it is a very good job, if i hadn't been in it so long it would of been an option but currently it is very stable, I am trying to get some flexibility with the hours, he was in nursery part of the time with me where I used to live and I was very conscious on making sure he goes to party's and meets with friends etc nothing would change with that as again I know its important for early years for making good friends.

Just an update - me and my ex have now spoken and we are doing a little bit more of a 60 / 40 this will be in the best interests of my son in terms of his schooling and less back and fourth, I will be picking him up on Friday and dropping him off on Monday morning, and when it is my ex's weekend I will visit in the week and we will go for some food, cinema etc, in the week when I can I will pick him up from school, I will be moving back to my old town eventually, its not ideal with it being an hour away but it does mean that when we are together he will see all the family nannas, granddads etc which I think is very important, thanks for all the information it defiantly helped in the talks, one of the keys to all this is communication and flexibility and one day im sure it will change again when he gets older, thanks again for all the help.