Ex moving away

[putastrawunderbaby]

My dcs' dad is moving away, to somewhere 3 hours away on a good day, up to 5 or 6 depending on holiday traffic, weather, roadworks etc. He wants to still collect our 6 and 8 year olds on Friday after school and bring them back on Sunday for 6pm. He also wants to change Christmas arrangements to having them for a whole week, rather than one parent have Xmas Day and the other have Boxing Day. He currently has 3 weekends out of 4 and I've always been very cooperative, but I'm not happy with this as it's such a long journey. He says he has parental responsibility and noone can stop him from collecting the children from school and taking them. We only have an informal arrangement, which my solicitor outlined in a letter 2 years ago. No court order. Are his requests reasonable?

Suggest to him eow and half the school holidays. Alternate the holidays. So you do this half term, second week of Christmas holidays, first week of Easter holidays, May half term and second 3 weeks of summer holidays, first week of Christmas holidays, February half term, second week of Easter holidays, etc.

Say you feel the children will suffer with 3 long journeys in a month so it isn't in their best interests. However a long period in the holidays with both of you would be a good idea.

Unfortunately Christmas is fair as while you may not have them this year you have them for the whole of Christmas week next year.

Don't start a battle. It would cost you a lot of money and everyone lots of stress, plus you will probably end up with an arrangement like my suggestion anyway.

He already has half the school holidays so to cut back his weekends is going to antagonise him but I agree - and I'm glad others do too - that the journey is too much 3 times a month.

Honestly I think EOW is too much!

Definitely go for one weekend each half term. You could increase his school holiday nights so the number of nights stay the same? TBH if you are working see it as a childcare saving!!!

It means the school holidays with you will be proper holiday time.

Def offer less than you are prepared to give and then you have a compromise to offer

Ok so my partner lives far from his children (his ex moved away with them) and their trip to come to him is probably around 2.5/3 hours in the car each way. His ex meets him halfway with them, my OH takes the kids and has dinner with them where they meet, and then brings them back.

they can't go to friends' birthday parties or playdates or things they do with Beavers

My OH's kids still get to do all these things at the weekend as my OH puts himself out for it, and will go up and stay near them for the night so he can take them, or he will switch weekends so they can attend their plans.

There are ways that this can work without reducing the contact they have with their dad.

Honestly I think EOW is too much!

Definitely go for one weekend each half term. You could increase his school holiday nights so the number of nights stay the same? TBH if you are working see it as a childcare saving!!!

I don't think increasing school holiday nights so the number of nights is the same will work. My OH would be devastated if he had to go weeks without seeing his kids and the kids would really miss him, the extra nights in school holidays wouldn't make up for it at all.

All depends on how co/operative the ex is.

Plus this journey is a minimum of 3 hours

What is the train service like? Wondering if one weekend he could come up for the day?

One each half term seems an awful long time between visits . This term in particular is a long one.

You could also switch it round to 3 weekends with you or one weekend sees the kids but stays closer to kids home.

The thing is he moves and expects the world to jump to new situation.

A least 6 hours driving for the kids, 3 weekends a month? And 12 hours for the driver? That's a hard no.

I would also immediately file with family court for a child arrangements order. Someone with an idea as unreasonable as this (and who now has a Willing Woman to do the work...and save on child maintenance) is more likely than the average to decide the kids should live with him.

Which, of course, he has also explicitly threatened to do.

I would file prohibited steps to prevent removal of the children from their primary residence and their school. Include in the application your application for a child arrangements order asking for an order that the children live with you and spend time with their father (at a changed volume due to 3 hrs move away).

Include his threat to remove the children on the basis of his PR and ask for an urgent prohibited steps hearing, within 48 hours.

Ensure that the burden of travel is formally put on him in any child arrangements order - you don't want to find yourself informed one Sunday that you have to come 3-6 hours drive and collect the kids or they're staying there.

If you can afford a solicitor, hire a good one, if not, the courts are now quite used to litigants in person, you can do it.

Yes in a long half term perfectly reasonable to fit in two weekends. So not quite EOW.

I forgot that at DD1 school the half terms only ever had 6 weeks in! So every 3rd weekend as a minimum would fit in with their school holidays.

@Bibidy with respect it's a different situation - my dcs' father is the one who has chosen to move away. Meeting halfway and so on seems unreasonable under these circumstances. I've always been generous over his access to the dc, so there's no wish on my part to restrict it suddenly, just the disruption to their lives and how tired they're going to be. No more parties, playdates, Cubs activities if they fall at a weekend. Exdh wouldn't dream of staying nearby. It's his way or the highway.

@PicsInRed thank you I will take your advice.

@putastrawunderbaby with respect it's a different situation - my dcs' father is the one who has chosen to move away. Meeting halfway and so on seems unreasonable under these circumstances.

I completely understand that it's not ideal and also why you wouldn't want to do it, but it's not really different at all - my OH didn't choose to move either but he still co-operates with his ex and does half of the journey so that the children still have regular contact with both of their parents. He could have put his foot down and said he wouldn't help with the journey or he'd only do it once every X week or whatever, but that would only have resulted in him missing the kids and them missing out on regular time with their dad. The only real difference is that you're the parent who lives with the kids so you wouldn't be the one missing out or the parent who they're missing out on time with.

In my situation, the journey is broken up for the kids in the middle by dinner, so it doesn't feel as long for them. Plus they've invented loads of games and chat to him about school and their clubs on the way home....I know it sounds a lot of travel for children to do and I can see why you aren't in favour, but it might be worth giving it a trial run to see how the kids feel about it and make a decision from there.

I know my SCs would far rather sit in the car for a couple of hours than only see their dad once every few weeks. As I said, I completely get that it's not ideal but it really would be best for them if you and their dad could come up with a plan to make it work, rather than cut his contact with them.

That said, there's no reason why it should be three weekends out of four, even every other would be easier for everyone.