Not coping at all, so fed up

[ValerieFlowers]

Hi, I'm a single mum to a 4 yr old DD. I work full time and have no support network. I'm struggling immensely but feel completely and utterly trapped. I hate my job, it's an hour's drive away and a horrid stop, start journey. There's often delays caused by one thing or another. Today it was road works and it took me an hour and a half to get home. My DD started school last week and will go to a before and after school club. Before last week, she was in nursery full time - dropped off around 8am and picked up around 6.10pm. Always a massive rush when we got home to get her to bed at a decent time, so no quality time spent together. It'll be the same now she's at school - dropped off at 8am and collected around 6.10pm. Its such a long day for her and she often is tired. I feel so guilty about all this. I hate the fact her days are so long. I hate the fact i hardly ever see her (she spends every other weekend at her dad's) and I'm missing such precious moments with her. Her dad lives about 4 hours away and we meet half way, so that's 8 hours driving on the weekends that she sees her dad which wipes me out and is tiring for her. I so desparately want things to change. I've asked if i can work part time but was told absolutely not possible. Jobs around here are really hard to get (I live in east yorkshire) as it's quite rural. I am so completely and utterly fed up and don't know what to do. I suffer from depression too but this is getting worse. I can't concentrate and flit from one thought to another. My workplace isn't flexible and boss is unsympathetic (she knows i am struggling). I've had issues with lateness recently (I am meant to start at 9am but sometimes am 10 -15 mins late) and been spoken to about it. I can't carry on this way. It's affecting my mental health and it's affecting my daughter. I can't really see any way out though. Can anyone offer some advice please? Thank you.

Would relocating so you are living nearer your workplace (maybe a different workplace) be an option long term. Changing schools is hard but this lifestyle also sounds hard on your DD.

Any chance of finding a job that is easier to get to?

Have you thought about moving closer to work?
Yes your daughter would have to change schools but it would solve a lot of your problems

Hi OP,
Have a look for a thread (and feel free to join) in Lone Parents called Professional Single Parents - we are all in the same boat as you.

I feel for you. This was my life when my DD was 4 almost exactly. My employer allowed me to work from home one day a week. This allowed me to drop DD off in school in the morning and pick up from after school club much earlier than normal. It made a big difference to me to feel I was more present at the school for my DD and helped her to know she'd have a shorter day every so often. Would your employer allow this? Otherwise I'd def try and move closer to work to make your life easier. This single parent thing is so hard xxx

If you have no support network where you are, then you have no ties. As others have said, could you move closer to work? Or closer to her dad? I'm sure he won't be a support but it might cut down on the 8 hrs driving every other weekend? And if you move closer to a city or town then there will hopefully be more choice of work, including part time work?

Dear all, thank you so much for taking the time to reply and give me your advice, it's very much appreciated. I don't think I can really move closer to work as the future of my company is very uncertain. Also I'm not happy in my job and there are issues with me not agreeing to the ethics of the business so I really don't want to be there in the long-term. I think moving closer to my DD's dad is something i need to consider. It's just that for now it all feels unbearably hard. The worst thing is that it is so hard on my DD. No parent wants their child to suffer and I feel she is. It's such long days for her. What is also so hard is my workplace is totally not open to any idea of working flexibly. There is no possibility of working part time or reduced hours. I know that i have to look for another job and also most likely will need to move and relocate but these all take time and in the meantime this horrible situation has to continue.

I also live in East Yorkshire- it's hard when there's no support Op.

I feel for you OP. Just wanted to come on and show some support.

Is there any kind of homeworking you can do? Could you leave work and retrain/maybe access some financial support/benefits? Get a job at the school maybe? Can your DD's dad contribute more so you can just take time out. Sorry, they're probably crap suggestions.

It all sounds hard. I think you need a long term plan and to maybe try and break it down into smaller steps as it must seem an impossible task right now. Would seeking some impartial careers advice be a good start?

Are you in a position to hire an au pair who could take your child to and from school, make the evening meal... you daughter would be more rested and you could leave for work and be home earlier?

Hi Valerie I know you said your current workplace won't entertain any flexible working but by law they have to consider your request.

Before I became a lone parent I was already agonising over my DD's long days, but was aware of the impact going part time might have on my career so I asked if I could reduce my hours by finishing at 3pm two days a week.

After I became a lone parent an opportunity arose to work much closer to home, poorer pension and holidays but I negotiated the two early finish days as part of the contract (I take a 30 minute lunch break on full days and none on my early finish days - not much of a sacrifice since I rarely took one anyway).

So I'm still in work five days a week but those two early finishes really make life bearable for both of us. One of them is on a Friday and the office is like the Marie Celeste anyway.

Change jobs. Even if it means taking something less well paid. Look at tax credits and calculate what you would get on a lower salary. Honestly life is far too short to be so miserable and miss so much time with your kids.

I have 3 children age 10, 8 and 5. I've been back working full time since I got divorced 4 years ago. It's been really tough. I've managed get jobs in my local area but it's not simple to find well paying positions locally. My current job, I pro rata'd my hours down so that I can at least pick the kids up one day a week from school. It's cost me a lot financially but I would not swap that afternoon for anything. Seeing my 5 year olds face when she sees me waiting on the playground is priceless. Even if it's just for one day. Money wise it's tough at the moment so I'm trying to pick up freelance work in the evenings when they are in bed. I just keep thinking it won't be like this forever, and in the meantime I don't want to miss seeing them grow up.

I hope you manage to find a batter balance x

Also consider talking to your GP about depression - I didnt' want to take antidepressants (didn't feel I was bad enough) but they've honestly helped so much. Make me feel more capable and make it easier to cope. Might be enough to help you reach out to some recruitment agencies etc, or make a plan to move? x